To not have seen in laws for months

[Mouscadoo]

So in a nut shell, ever since my daughter was born nearly 2 years ago (my first) my relationship with my in laws has drastically changed for the worse. I won't go into all the details from the beginning because it is actually quite difficult to look back on the first year and remember how horrible my MIL made me feel. She was uncomfortable with me breastfeeding, she would take baby away from me whenever we went over and would walk away with her, she called herself "mummy" to the baby, she put huge pressure on us to let my daughter have a sleepover (without us) from the moment she was born and just constantly to this day criticised me as a mother.

This was all happening within the first year and it was unbearable for me as a new mom. So anyway, my daughter had never stayed the night with them, I never saw the need really as they only live 20 minutes away and could visit anytime but they basically asked us to come to a party at their house during the summer. They asked about a month or more in advance so that we couldn't really say no. My partner wanted to go (he has been generally very supportive of me but can struggle with asserting himself). So I decided to take one for the team and said we would go and we could stay with night so my partner could drink (I don't drive). The whole night was a shit show because as expected my daughter didn't settle at all and I ended up having to spend the whole night from about 8 or 9pm in with her whilst everyone else was drinking and whatever but I just went with it. I knew this is what would happen anyway. I got my daughter up the next morning and ended up helping my in laws cleaning up the mess which I made none of. I had already agreed with my partner that we would leave before my daughters first nap and of course my MIL made me feel guilty for leaving so early. No consideration for the fact that I spent all night settling my daughter whilst they stayed up drinking all night. Whilst there she made comments about nappies; bedtime, food I was giving DD. At that point I had had enough so I made a decision I wasn't going to spend time with them anymore as she mainly makes me feel like shit. She has since asked my partner if I don't like her. I don't feel comfortable at all to address these things with her. I have tried standing up for myself but doesn't make a difference. My partner now takes DD over there for visits and I stay home. I am actually pregnant aswell so have been genuinely sick but mostly just haven't wanted to see them at all. Has anyone else done this? Am I unreasonable to cut contact with them?

If your going to cut contact you have at least got to tell them why

But tbh non of it sounds bad. Mil makes comments, just shrug them off.

Ex dp's family were like this and were the reason I developed pnd. So glad I didnt have to see them at all after we split 17 years of bliss and peace have followed.
Stand your ground, you are doing a great job and tell your dp to stand up for you.

Your do can take her to see them if he wants to, why do you have to facilitate?

She sounds like a pain but I think it’s fair for DH to tell her that you feel criticised whenever she sees you. It’s possible she’ll be genuinely surprised and think her nuggets of wisdom are just friendly advice.

My MIL knew a better way of doing almost anything you could think of. We ended up incredibly close. I did stand up to her sometimes. She really didn’t mean to be hurtful, she just didn’t have many filters.

Your may be very different of course but it may be worth at least trying to have a relationship.

Your husband can visit be with your children that way they can have a relationship and you won't have to put up with the constant digs

Why do you need to make a final decision such as cutting contact.

Such drama is (likely) unnecessary over an opinionated MIL.

You can perfectly reasonably stand back and pick and choose which things to take part in. You don’t have to enjoy her company.

However get DH to be clear on boundaries such as ‘two weeks together ina Tuscany villa’ he needs to head such nonsense off at the pass soon as
it arises as you will be the joy sponge who says no to such fabulous ideas otherwise.

My MIL was one of my least favourite people
For the first 2 years (unbeknownst to me she was super stressed and anxious every time we saw her as she was always exhausted over catering over cleaning etc wanting to make everything lovely and failing due to foot in mouth issues) quite opinionated and negatives. Eg I’m overweight? MIL a sporty slim PE teacher. Once DS was born her first comment in stage whisper to DH was ‘you won’t let him get obese will you’.

However we learned to love each other over the years. She had no intention of harm but spoke her mind freely and mostly it was loving and sometimes she f&&&&&& it up Spectacularly.

Yanbu at all. You don’t need to spend time with them if you don’t want to. Your husband can maintain the relationship.

To be honest nothing MAJOR has really happened. I don’t think you need to make any massive decisions now. As long as they are getting to see DD and your DP, you can pick and choose when you see them.

I would say that it is in everyone’s best interests that you resolve your issues though, if you can. It will be nicer for DD to grow up with her mother and her grandmother on talking terms!

Mountain out of molehills! Sounds very tiresome on both your parts and really overboard, by you.

You don’t get on, it doesn’t have to be so dramatic, DH takes baby to see his mum, job done.

I would however reflect on why you really believe your MIL is so bad. From the information you have given it just sounds like a clash of personalities and nothing more.

I don't think there's any reason to cut contact. She's a bit annoying but if your DP has a conversation with her about your feelings (especially as she's asked him outright) it's easily fixable.

This happens a lot. MIL trying to help by giving "good advice" and making suggestions, and possibly privately thinking she would do it better, and being stuck in the advice she was given in her generation (eg breastfeeding, weaning, etc). DIL as a new mum feeling sensitive to all advice being criticism / complaint and feeling judged, and of course sleep-deprived so not able to take things in her stride the way she normally would.

In the nicest possible way, while I agree you shouldn't be pressed into doing things you don't want to eg sleepovers, I think to cut contact would be very unfair. Maybe just minimise it for a bit?

YANBU.

If you’ve stood up for yourself and she still continues to criticise you then she should know she is being rude. If someone is telling you to stop criticising them, surely you would stop not continue to do so. I doubt if you criticised her at every interaction she would like it. That type of behaviour puts off most people. Who wants to be around someone who constantly criticises their parenting while expecting them to allow their young child to sleepover without them. The entitlement of some grandparents is ridiculous. If she is doing this within earshot of your husband, is he saying anything?