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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I've been cheated on- phone sex lines

30 replies

JPWG2450 · 04/11/2021 22:54

Long time lurker but first time posting in AIBU.

I'll do my best not to drop feed so bear with me.

I've been with DH 3 years, married for one. We are late 20s and early 30s Generally we have a good relationship most of time, although we have had our issues.

Our sex life has never been wonderful, DH had no experience beyond porn when we met and initially tried to cover it up and make himself sound more experienced as he was embarrassed. This caused some issues but we got past it.

Sex is regular and enjoyable for both of us as far as I'm aware. Though I know things can skip when I'm stressed or in a low mood.

Recently not much has happened, so I've broached them subject and DH has always maintained that he hasn't thought about it and hasn't been in the mood.

Fast forward to last week, we are away for a week visiting family, and I notice his phone bill has come out of the joint account (I manage the finances) and it's double the amount it should be.

It's actually my contract, so I logged in abs saw around 10 premium rate calls over the space of three different days, at varying times e'g Monday at 1.30, 5.00 and 6.45

Wednesday 11.15, 12.00, 1.30, 5.34

Saturday 1.39, 1.35, 3.00

I googled the numbers and discovered they were for sec chat lines.
They had also most been called at times when I was home but in another room.

I'm fairly open sexually, we regularly chat to make sure we are both happy with things, as I have some medical issues that make some sexual acts difficult for me. In the past I asked DH if he'd like an open relationship so he could have those needs met but he said no as he didn't want me to be with anyone else.

I know he still watches porn and I'm ok with that, but this felt different. It felt like cheating as it was wanting to actively engage with another person, and of course, it had been hidden and I had to find out through the phone bill.

When I asked him why his bill was so much, he wouldn't answer and just told me he thought I already knew. All he will say is that he's sorry and that he thought it would just be an alternative to porn

When asked why he didn't come to me first, or why he needed an alternative in the first place, why he'd not told.me, how he thinks we can afford 70p a minute for him to do something he can do for free... he just says he doesn't know

AIBU to feel I've been cheated on.
I fully admit that I share responsibility for our sec life not being wonderful atm BUT there were a lot of ways we could've changed that, without him going to someone else.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 04/11/2021 23:10

I would not consider it cheating especially in the context you’ve given of offering an open relationship. I would think if my partner had said it was ok for me to have sex with other people IRL due to her physical limitations, then pretend sexy talk as background to wanking was definitely ok and all good.

The cost of it is a separate matter.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/11/2021 23:15

Technically it may stop short of cheating but its kind of irrelevant: why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who does this?

You clearly are not comfortable with it and nor would I be. Trust your instincts. You would be happier single.

Sillawithans · 04/11/2021 23:18

I'd go nuclear and I would consider this cheating

jelly79 · 05/11/2021 00:29

I think your boundaries a couple maybe blurred. Not thaT you have done anything wrong at all OP but I'm confused as to what should / shouldn't be acceptable

chayago · 05/11/2021 00:57

I consider it cheating

EverdeRose · 05/11/2021 02:52

If he's interacting with someone it's cheating. He's an active participant.

I'd be furious.

Whereismumhiding3 · 05/11/2021 03:03

You offered an open relationship irl , so I think what others think about DH using phone sex line is irrelevant here.

What's important is how you feel. You sound annoyed at the secrecy and the cost. You'll get over that. Hopefully you'll be able to talk it through

CelloYouveGotABass · 05/11/2021 04:10

Ergh so not only was he doing it with you in the house, but he’s essentially getting you to pay for it too?! Beyond cheeky.

I don’t agree with PP, he declined the open relationship so it’s off the table in my opinion.

Do you think he wanted to get caught?

I’d be furious at the level of disrespect.

Catflapkitkat · 05/11/2021 04:24

It's not good is it? He was in another room whilst you were there, he let you find out via the bill. It's humiliating.

And still in your 20s ..... It doesn't bode well for the future.

BunNcheese · 05/11/2021 04:35

At what point did you offer him an open relationship?

This seems to common on here and it seems women say it as a throw away comment and then when their DH acts on it, it becomes problematic at a later date.

velvetstar · 05/11/2021 05:06

I'm sorry op, no wonder you're upset you've just discovered your DH is using sex workers (whilst you're in the house!!). I would be surprised if this was the first time too. If he's in his 30's, you've been together for 3years and he hadn't had sex before meeting you I would think it highly possible that he's used in person sex workers during that time too. Hence the weirdness about his previous 'experience'.

I'd be worried about the timings too - 4 times a day seems like it's likely on his mind a lot. Do you think porn addiction is a possibility with him?

Sorry op, this isn't something you've agreed and is sex acts involving other people so I would also feel like he cheated. If you want to save your marriage I would tread carefully as the shame it sounds like he's feeling with this is a difficult emotion. I'd be speaking to an advisor at Relate or similar to help you figure what you want and how best to handle it. Good luck Thanks

timeisnotaline · 05/11/2021 06:02

I would consider it cheating. Offering the open relationship is irrelevant, he declined it then snuck out and took this for himself. Also, you are communicating with him about sex, you are asking him about this phone sex, you did offer this open relationship becasue you want him to be sexually satisfied- where do you see him putting this effort in for you? Are you taking on yourself what should be the joint responsibility for a satisfying sex life? Don’t you find that terribly unsexy, and dream of being with someone who takes responsibility for making you happy the same way you do them?

UnLunDun · 05/11/2021 06:17

My Mum was a chat-line operative for a couple of years after she retired, she was quite popular actually in her own way (formal and would correct their grammar 😂). Anyways, it may be with an actual person but it is all very definitely imaginary, she usually did the crossword at the same time! Can you work out why you feel more disturbed about audio porn that visual porn? Personally, I hate them both and would not stay with someone who spent our family money on it in any form. One of my friends husband was on chatlines the same afternoon as his Granny’s funeral, she couldn’t get past that and they split. You don’t have to be cool with it, maybe you need more communication though re open relationships as I think there is muddy waters there and he may have thought you were okay with this level of porn from your previous talks on the subject.

AchyFlower · 05/11/2021 06:22

You offered an open relationship so he should have spoken to you and said no I don't want that but can I use these chat lines instead.

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2021 06:23

I wouldn’t consider it cheating but I wouldn’t be impressed at him spending money from the joint account on it

Dyrne · 05/11/2021 06:46

I am boggling at all these people who wouldn’t consider it cheating - would you honestly not care that your DH has been interacting with another woman while getting off? The Open relationship offer is also a red herring as an open relationship involves clear discussions and boundary setting; not in this case the DH declining then turning round and doing something anyway.

Also 3-4 times a day? In the middle of the day? During the working week? Fuck that.

Ultimately OP, it doesn’t matter what other people consider cheating. It’s completely valid for that to be your line to cross. I won’t say LTB but I will say you need to set out your boundaries, say clearly what you consider this to be cheating, and that you do not want him interacting with phone sex operators (or cam girls, as I imagine he does that too).

girlmom21 · 05/11/2021 06:49

I think it's cheating. I also don't think a sexually inexperienced man turns to sex chat lines and nothing else.

I'd also be worried about the fact he can openly talk about his fantasies or whatever with these woman (presumably women!) but can't even answer you when you ask him a question about his phone bill.

Are there normally communication issues in your relationship?

Original poster
JPWG2450 · 05/11/2021 14:43

Thanks for all the replies.

I just want to clarify the part about an open relationship

It was offered to him over a year ago, he declined because he didn't want me to also be able to see other people. So he insisted we remained exclusive.

We had very clear boundaries in place, and had he chosen to go ahead with an open relationship then these calls wouldn't be an issue, though the cost would.

But he didn't want it. I made it clear that I was open to the discussion again if anything changes, but he didn't discuss it.

Audio porn is no different to regular porn, to me, these js a difference in watching/listening to a prerecorded video/audio

And speaking with an actual person. Having sexual contact with another person (which included texts/chat etc) was within the boundaries of our proposed open relationship, but was not within the boundaries of our exclusive relationship

I have again offered him an open relationship in which he would be free to engage with others, but I have made it clear that I would also be free to do so,

And again, he had declined.

OP posts:
MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 05/11/2021 14:53

@UnLunDun how did you feel about your mum working on one of these chat lines, especially as you say that you wouldn't stay with someone who used one?

Kneller92 · 05/11/2021 15:16

The secrecy and the way you found out would bother me more than the actual act to be honest. I'm not sure I would class it as cheating but it's definitely disloyal and dishonest the way he went about it, so I can see why you feel betrayed, especially as you seem reasonable and open so that he maybe could have told you about it first.

I don't think just because you had offered an open relationship previously that gives him the right to do things like that. He declined so then to me that is off the table until further discussion and doesn't mean he can do what he wants, when he wants. YANBU

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/11/2021 15:31

What is it you are not able to do with him? I think that makes a difference to how unreasonable he is being. I’m a bit torn because you did offer an open relationship but 4 times a day is madness

girlmom21 · 05/11/2021 15:35

I have again offered him an open relationship in which he would be free to engage with others, but I have made it clear that I would also be free to do so,

And again, he had declined.

So he's declining your offer and going ahead with it anyway.
This will escalate because he doesn't respect you.

girlmom21 · 05/11/2021 15:37

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

What is it you are not able to do with him? I think that makes a difference to how unreasonable he is being. I’m a bit torn because you did offer an open relationship but 4 times a day is madness
Well presumably she's able to have 'sex talk' with him. The only way this is justifiable in any way (and actually, it still wouldn't be) is if OP is mute.
Aorh · 05/11/2021 15:42

That’s a line crossed for me on several fronts.

Those bringing up the open relationship offer, it was declined, that was the end of it. It wasn’t an open ended offer to do what he wanted should he ever change his mind while she remained monogamous.

UnLunDun · 05/11/2021 15:48

@MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers we had a few polite discussions on the subject; my mother was an academic who loved to debate things in depth and who was a teen in the 1960s…her beliefs about many things are anathema to me. It was rather disturbing when I rang her occasionally and she was on-shift and answered sultrily. There were quite a few regular lonely men who would ring and actually spend much more time chatting than anything else, that made me feel sad.

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