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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt?

27 replies

Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 20:47

My sister and I haven't never been very close, but we do speak.

When I have the money and can afford to send birthday/Christmas cards and some money to my nieces and nephews I always do, and this includes my sisters beloved step daughter, who calls my sister mum (my DS has no biological children, and her DSDs biological mum isn't a part of her life anymore).

Last year I had a baby. All of my other siblings sent stuff to congratulate me and my DP. Yet, my sister sends nothing, I would only have wanted a card to say congratulations! Surely it's not hard to send your sister a card to congratulate her on the birth of her child? It really hurt me a lot and made me feel like I'm not important to her (maybe I'm not?), and I can't help feeling quite upset about it from time to time. My DSs first birthday just went by and she didn't even send a text to wish him a happy birthday.

How would you deal with this? Would you say something?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/11/2021 20:50

Is she unable to have children?

KILNAMATRA · 04/11/2021 20:53

Does she turn up at other times she’s needed? I’m rubbish at cards, but will be there if needed.. like baby sit etc..

Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 20:56

@KILNAMATRA

Does she turn up at other times she’s needed? I’m rubbish at cards, but will be there if needed.. like baby sit etc..
No, she doesn't. She makes as little effort as possible. I live in a different country to my DS and other siblings, and I'll be going over to visit my DB this weekend at his invitation, and I've been trying to get her to come down so that she can meet DS, but she isn't interested at all.
OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 20:56

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Is she unable to have children?
Unfortunately not, no.
OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 20:57

Sorry, I meant "Unfortunately she's unable to have children".

OP posts:
AnnaSW1 · 04/11/2021 20:59

Maybe she's finding it incredibly difficult if she can't have children. I'd try to have a bit more empathy.

greendress789 · 04/11/2021 21:00

@Charlene1971

Sorry, I meant "Unfortunately she's unable to have children".
This will be the reason I think. 😪
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/11/2021 21:00

Really bad of her and also v weird you haven’t said anything- both probably say a lot about your relationship.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/11/2021 21:01

@AnnaSW1

Maybe she's finding it incredibly difficult if she can't have children. I'd try to have a bit more empathy.
That’s not a reason to treat others badly. Sorry but it’s not the get out clause for shitty behaviour. That’s her nephew
Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 21:01

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Really bad of her and also v weird you haven’t said anything- both probably say a lot about your relationship.
What should I have said though?
OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/11/2021 21:02

If my sister didn’t send my child a happy bday I’d ask her the day of “did you forget your nieces bday”….I can speak to my sister very bluntly and vice versa

Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 21:02

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

This is what I was thinking too, but I was afraid to say it.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/11/2021 21:02

That is probably it then. Perhaps she's struggling to deal with it. It doesn't mean it's ok and of course you're going to be hurt but maybe she's not able to see past her own feelings. I'm not sure confronting her would help. Maybe if you were close and you did it supportively rather than accusingly but you say you aren't really that close so I would just accept that probably it's too hard for her and I'd focus on the rest of my family and just try to not take it personally.

Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 21:03

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

If my sister didn’t send my child a happy bday I’d ask her the day of “did you forget your nieces bday”….I can speak to my sister very bluntly and vice versa
What would you say if she didn't send a congratulations card when you had your DC? Would you have brought it up with her?
OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/11/2021 21:04

If my own sister couldn’t be bothered with my child then I’d cut her off- honestly you either value family or you don’t. How could I have a relationship when she doesn’t even acknowledge my child - it’s awful OP

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/11/2021 21:04

So you had a child and no visit, phone call, face time? You had a baby and she never mentioned it? Do you speak at all?

Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 21:07

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

That is probably it then. Perhaps she's struggling to deal with it. It doesn't mean it's ok and of course you're going to be hurt but maybe she's not able to see past her own feelings. I'm not sure confronting her would help. Maybe if you were close and you did it supportively rather than accusingly but you say you aren't really that close so I would just accept that probably it's too hard for her and I'd focus on the rest of my family and just try to not take it personally.
In fairness, it's definitely not personal as she makes very little effort with any of our siblings. Doesn't answer the phone and barely responds to texts. That's her business, and I know that.

However, she got engaged and asked me to be her bridesmaid when she gets married, which I can't understand when she makes 0 effort with me Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 21:08

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

So you had a child and no visit, phone call, face time? You had a baby and she never mentioned it? Do you speak at all?
We speak the odd time through the family WhatsApp chat, but she's SO bad at communication. She did text into the group chat to say congratulations when I had my DC, but that's it really.
OP posts:
Bonnealle · 04/11/2021 21:10

That’s so sad, for both of you. I think it’s very hard to understand the all consuming want for a child if you can’t. It makes you irrationally jealous and can turn you into a bitter person, even though you don’t want to be. I’m sorry your sister hasn’t congratulated you, it must be so tough. She’s probably hating herself for feeling like that too. Could you speak to her or meet for a chat, don’t talk about children at the beginning, just get a feel for how you both are doing.

Cryalot2 · 04/11/2021 21:12

Just accept not being able to have children is possibly very difficult for her.
Still keep in touch but leave it at that.
It is obviously affecting her deeply than she says.

steff13 · 04/11/2021 21:15

I guess she said congratulations a card is not necessary. Although I don't generally think a card is necessary.

steff13 · 04/11/2021 21:15

if

Dancingonmoonlight · 04/11/2021 21:17

I understand how you feel OP. My once very close sibling never congratulated me either and has never acknowledged my children's birthdays or even my children. My eldest is now 10!

No reason other than complete disinterest.
I ended up cutting my sibling off. I couldn't get over the hurt. I'm unsure if the sibling has even noticed we're no contact. I reached out at the beginning of covid but didn't get a response.

AnnaSW1 · 04/11/2021 21:49

@OnlyFoolsnMothers seems like you're missing the empathy chip too Grin

bananaboats · 04/11/2021 21:51

It doesn't sound like she's interested and as hard as that is to accept i think you have to. I certainly wouldn't agree to be her bridesmaid and wouldn't be sending any more money or gifts.