Putting someone down as a reference without asking?

[Mangosmoothiesprinkles]

I got a message today from a friend to tell that her DS has put me as a referee on his application form and I should be hearing from them any day.

I have a few issues with this and don’t know if I am BU or not. First issue is that I was not asked in advance, simply told. This isn’t a friend I see often these days (did a lot when DC were little) but we’ve drifted apart and now only see eachother once or twice a year.

My second issue is that I don’t know her DS anymore. I haven’t seen him for about 3/4 years and even before that only saw him sporadically once he his his teens as DC drifted apart too. I don’t see how I can read only write any sort of useful reference when I haven’t known him properly for years. Had they asked me in advance I would have told them this.

I still care about her as a friend and want to support her DS. Can anyone give me any useful sentences of anything I could say to fulfill my duty but not actually lie about his capabilities as I haven’t got a clue!

Am I being unreasonable to not feel comfortable with this? Maybe it was a reasonable request and I am overthinking it.

I looked after my friend's dc one afternoon.. She came back from the solicitor and told me she had named me as their guardian should she die!
We had never even discussed it!!
Did a great goldfish impression and smiled sweetly!!

Totally wimped out there!!

Bit rude of them.

It's just a personal reference, you don't need to comment on what you think he'd be like in a workplace, as you don't know.

I have known Joe in a personal capacity for 7 years. Then think of a couple of nice, true things to say about him. Worked hard at his studies, polite, good communicator, helpful, active in sports team/youth group/ keen musician, kind, thoughtful, mature attitude. You must be able to come up with a couple of complimentary sentences.

Rude not to ask, I even asked my professional refs as I thought it would be rude otherwise.

I'd actually go back to your friend and say what you've said here i.e. that you don't feel comfortable since you haven't had any contact with him in recent years and you wish they had discussed it with you first. Maybe say you'll go along with it this one time since it's now a bit late but you'd prefer they don't do this again without asking you first.

It's just rude. I've always asked the person before if they'd be happy you be my reference.

I have had this professionally and have contacted the person who named me as referee to say that a) I was surprised not to be forewarned, and b) my reference would be based on what I knew and would be honest, so would say I knew them professionally in 2006-8 and had not worked with them since. I suggested they might be better in future asking someone with more recent knowledge of their career.

Its very rude- esp considering you aren't so close now and don't know this child/teen! Ridiculous actually.

Didn't you ask your 'friend' why HE didnt ask her beforehand to be a referee? What did you say to her on the phone?

An option:

Answer the form in what little you know, pointing out that you haven't seen this person since 201x when they were 14yrs old or whatever, cannot comment about their work, not idea about their experience etc etc.

I got a request from an old work acquaintance (worker together 3yrs prior)- she didn't ask me beforehand . I had to be honest on the form. I couldn't comment on her current work or suitability for the new role, nor comment on various other questions asked.

You need to be honest if you complete the paperwork, stating the truth. It sounds like you are acquaintances at best with this persons mum. They should have at least asked beforehand, and even if they had, you need to be trusthful.

I would take issue with this.
1 - because you weren't asked in advance
2 - because her ds hasn't even asked (or even told!) you himself.

I would make that known to her.
If I was then asked for a reference, I would be honest with them. I would say that you I feel unable to provide a reference as you have not seen him for 3 or 4 years and only knew him as the child of a friend. I would write in my response that I certainly wasn't intending it to be a bad / negative reference and that I hoped he wasn't penalised for being badly advised, and I wished him well, but that I couldn't, in all honesty say I knew him well enough to give him a reference.

I would then contact the ds if you have contact details, or the mother if not and say that you can't provide a reference for someone you haven't even seen for 3 or 4 years and then only knew as the ds of a friend, not in any sort of work or education capacity PLUS to let him know for future that you should ALWAYS ask a person before putting them down as a referee.

I would state absolute facts ‘I knew him in x capacity for x years during 2015-2018 and he was trustworthy and polite.’

No more than that. Then tell your friend not to put you down as a reference for a person you don’t know at all well, even if it is her son, because you have nothing to put in it. It’s really cheeky!

Yeah, it's manners to ask people if you can use them as a referee. I also send my referees the job advert, if it gets to the stage of contacting referees, so they know the context in advance and know to expect a call.

I have been put as a reference for someone I hadn't seen for years. I had to be honest and say I struggled to recall the work as it was so long ago, but I did remember the person being good at the role they were doing at the time. Unfortunately I didn't know what they were applying for now, so couldn't comment on suitability.

I would text the friend back and say "i'm surprised to hear that. I can't say much as I last saw them 2017. They'd be far better giving their last tutor (at college/school) name for a personal reference"

@Whereismumhiding3

I would text the friend back and say "i'm surprised to hear that. I can't say much as I last saw them 2017. They'd be far better giving their last tutor (at college/school) name for a personal reference"

This!