How on earth do you cope with stress?

[Oh2bFree]

I have posted before re an ongoing scenario where myself and my husband are trapped on an interest only mortgage with his mum and have been for many years.

We recently got an order for sale from the court. She did not defend then popped up as soon as a sale had been agreed, with her partner claiming she has dementia, which was not stated during the case and which the judge ruled against anyhow in our favour, saying that the risk posed to the property was much greater if she DID have dementia (a medical report has been alluded to but never produced). Just as the sale was about to complete, her solicitor stated she was appealing it.

The stress for my husband and myself has now become too much. For me it has gone to new heights to the point where I can barely get washed or dressed, am having daily bouts of crying, panic attacks, palpitations, breathing problems, feeling trapped and having suicidal thoughts. Doctor has prescribed anti-depressants and beta-blockers but they are only helping marginally. It has just been YEARS (approx 11) of bullying from her and her partner through legal letters from her, then blanking, aggressive behaviour, and now as soon as we thought we were getting free, trying to block us from doing that.

How on EARTH does anyone cope with with stress when it hits this point? My body seems to have a mind of it's own now and am getting bouts of inner shaking and burning sensations across chest and arms (apparently another type of panic attack).

We are not defending the appeal due the stress and costs and my husband has disengaged from the process in order to protect me as he is so worried. I hate that I cannot cope better. Is this a breakdown?

Are there any instant fixes except for really strong medication or alcohol? Or is it just something I will have to work through, if that is even possible?

What are anyone else's experiences of this level of stress where it seems the body and mind cannot function?

First up, alcohol is not a fix let alone an instant fix. So don't go there.

I'm not entirely clear what the "end game" is here? So have you disengaged and walked away? How is this being left?

I think this is fairly critical in terms of working out coping strategies. How you manage stress usually involves reducing stressors as well as your own response to the ones that remain.

Have you self-referred to IAPT for CBT to help you with coping strategies and self-soothing to calm your nervous system?

As well as potentially addressing your mindset as this can have a huge effect on how you behave and feel, even if you can't see it at the moment (this is not saying it's "your fault" you feel this way, it's saying that it's within your power to modify how you feel).

Some of it is practical in terms of how the cause is to be addressed and working on a plan towards that. Some of it is learning how to care for your mind and body.

What do you do now to care for yourself? How do you respond to panic attacks? How do you care for yourself after one?

Oh and self compassion.

If somebody else beating you up hurts, then beating yourself up will also hurt. So stop. You don't deserve to be beaten up by yourself or anyone else.

I hate that I cannot cope better.

This is unfair and unhelpful (and one of the things you could address with CBT).

You put anyone or anything under extreme pressure and they will suffer. It's a natural reaction - your mind and body are telling you things need to change. Coming out the other side of this means listening to and acting upon that message.

Start by putting down the stick you're currently using to beat yourself with.

There are free and fairly easily digested resources here that may be useful to you:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

They are based on CBT and often used by NHS services when delivering CBT.

Being practical, I'd probably start by taking a look at the Panic resources. Gaining some information on panic and how to manage it seems like it could be a great first step given how you describe feeling and the panic attacks you're struggling with.

Thank you ftw 163532. That link is very helpful and am reading it now.

Yes, we have walked away and will let the court decide re. their appeal, it's simply not worth the damage to health or our lives that it has caused to date and would continue to cause. As you say, we have put down the stick and removed ourselves from the fight. This is self protection as the stress is becoming very serious, especially for me and my husband is trying to protect me from this as well as his own mental health.

These people will fight to the death. The worry is that I realise it could be mine if I don't address how to cope with this.

The important thing as you mention is to put down the stick that I am beating myself with. I have applied for counselling and am on a waiting list.

I hope I can rebuild myself and hope that our marriage will survive this too as sometimes I just want to escape as whilst absolutely not his fault, if I was not with him, there would be some peace at least. But then a marriage would have also been ruined by his mother and her partner.

I read somewhere that the best revenge is to live your life well and in peace despite adversity caused by others. I do not want revenge, I do want peace and health though. 'Health is wealth'.

Thank you for your kind advice.

I am glad you found the link helpful and it sounds like you have taken some really positive steps forward.

I feel similarly to you about the "best revenge..." expression. My view is to focus on building a happy, healthy life for yourself because it's what you recognise you deserve, not with anybody else in mind. "Health is wealth" sounds a better mantra for you to carry.

I hope the path you're on now leads you to that happier, healthier place.