AIBU to put controls and restrictions on my teenagers phone

[Verny76]

I don't think AIBU but I know many kids who have free access to their mobile phone without restrictions day and night and parents expect them to regulate themselves which I don't think is realistic. I feel kids these days have access to far too much information which they are not necessarily matured enough to process/understand.

What sort of controls do other parents have on their child mobile's phone? do they do it through the iPhone or use an app?

DC is responsible with school work and in general respectful to parents and sibling; but not great with house work and it is a constant battle to put the mobile away, it is like part of their body. I feel it is a constant distraction and sometimes I feel like removing it completely, but won't go that far.

What do other people think and do?

Thank you

We need to know if your teenager is just thirteen or nearly eighteen.

My daughter is 15 and I have control over her phone via Google family link. I can restrict how much time she's on it and it also has a locator. She has to ask if she needs extra time.

Teenager is 14

Also, do they iPhone restrictions work? I tried to set it up but it not sure the family link is setup or how I do it. I need a course.

Thank you

Google family link is for android phones and it's easy to set up and put restrictions on

The set up on it for restrictions are for 13 and under (U.K.) or ones that your over 13 year old agrees to

support.google.com/families/answer/7106787?hl=en#zippy=%2Cset-up-supervision-for-children-over-or-the-applicable-age-in-your-country

If my now 13+ year old tried to remove parental supervision, it would lock her out of her phone and I would then be able to negotiate

She doesn't demand I remove it as we regularly negotiate changes to bedtime shut off etc (it's pretty much between 10.30-midnight depending on school night weekends or holidays and how tired she is).

She agrees because I will remove limits entirely (it's a tab on tab off button) for holidays a week at a time or for sleepovers or if she's ill; says herself she falls asleep before it shuts off; or that some nights she's overdo it and stay awake all night playing in phone & get too tired - and it stops me taking her phone off of her at bedtime as I go to bed far earlier!

Reality is that as parents everything with teenagers is about negotiating and being prepared to give them more control as they get older step by step

I can't find anything that will let you restrict time useage (eg bedtime) on an iPhone but you can set up iphone parental restrictions on app purchases and nsfw websites if you get her phone and set it up with a parental pin she is never told

www.imore.com/restrictions

You may not think it realistic, but it was my reality with my teen DC. Zero restrictions. Zero snooping/monitoring. They all self-regulated after a few weeks of binging on SM, Pinterest, Insta, YouTube, etc. When you can access it anytime, it quickly loses its appeal and gets boring.

My kids iPhones are locked between 8pm - 8am with screen time. You can allow certain apps to be exempt from this, mine have WhatsApp access at all times so they can still contact friends during this period, but can't play games, watch TikTok etc. It is all controlled by my iPhone, they can send a request for more time and depending on the day I may allow it, but really prefer them to have it off an hour before bed. They also have to request permission to download games or make purchases. They also have to leave all devices downstairs on charge at night so won't be up messaging their friends at stupid o clock. This will be in place until they have finished their gcses (eldest is in year 10). They don't argue against it, because I was very clear on the rules when they originally got phones, and they know I can block their phones completely in about 10 seconds if they moan about it

For teenagers I wonder how effective parental controls are. Teenagers are generally more tech savvy than their parents, and if they want to hide something or access something that they don't want their parents to see they will find a way around that (be that using a private browsing mode, using a friend's phone which doesn't have parental controls, buying a secret phone to access things which are blocked on their other phone etc.). Their level of online restrictions is in line with their least protected friend. You can check their phones, but they can delete things they don't want you to see.

I think having a dialogue with teenagers about why online safety is important, what the risks are, why spending hours on phones at night isn't wise, using your own phone less when you are around your children, and being a person that they can come to and don't fear a negative response from if they do get into trouble online will be far more effective in the long term than controls (which may well be overcome trivially). Saying this, I don't haven teenagers but I was a teenager 10-15 years ago and back then online controls (both at school and set by parents) were very much an obstacle to bypass rather than any kind deterrent and I can't see that that would have changed.

Nope. My 7 teenagers (my 3 & DH 4) all had unfettered use and access to their phones. The ONLY stipulation was for tracking to be enabled so I could know where they were.
I also required PIN numbers to access the phone in an emergency but would never dream of routinely going through their phones. Massive invasion of privacy.

All in their 20s now. All have been or are currently at University. No issues at all.

Thank you. I do want to put some controls as I feel it interferes with family time and other activities, having to check your phone all the time. I won't keep them forever, maybe until they are 16.

I also wonder about how easy it is for teenager to remove the parental controls; hopefully they can't do it without the pin. We don't have an Android so can't use the google family app so the iphone controls are going to have to be.

@PlanDeRaccordement

You may not think it realistic, but it was my reality with my teen DC. Zero restrictions. Zero snooping/monitoring. They all self-regulated after a few weeks of binging on SM, Pinterest, Insta, YouTube, etc. When you can access it anytime, it quickly loses its appeal and gets boring.

You are very fortunate.

So far I have given full access to my child mobile's phone, apart from the evening as I don't like technology at night. I feel it is a constant battle to put it away.

As an adult I feel I need to check things all the time on mine too (mainly my emails and mumsnet as I don't play games or are into social media or twitter), I have to put it away so I can concentrate on other things.

It feels like these mobiles have something addictive which want you to be glued to them.

I am having trouble setting up the family sharing in my apple. It says family information is not available

I made it a condition of having a phone that all passwords were shared with me until age 16, and that I could check any time I wanted.

Also, I set the privacy passcode (iPhone) and enabled some restrictions behind that (safer search on Safari IIRC) and linked phone on 'find my'

DC were OK with this, because they understood why I'd put it in place and because they trusted me not to snoop gratuitously or excessively.

I use iPhone controls plus Qustudio. iPhone doesn’t have any function to filter websites, so that’s what the Qustudio is for (it filters out porn, gambling, violence). iPhone is set for timings (off at night), no ability to download apps without permission, and tracking.
support.apple.com/en-gb/HT201304

I think asking a young teen to self manage the whole internet, full of apps designed with algorithms to pull you in by providing more extreme content, and to keep you clicking for hours, is like asking a learner driver to navigate central London at rush hour. Too much, too soon.

My eldest is 19 so no restrictions, 16yo has router restrictions so age appropriate but no time restrictions, 14yo has router and time restrictions, and qustodio but this is because we've had to restrict apps like discord - that's a whole other story!

I have 12 and 14 year old DDs, who each got their own iPhone for their 11th birthdays. I have set them up so that any new apps or games etc. that they want to download, have to be approved by me first. We have a rule that I can ask to spot check their phones at any time - I don't read their messages, I just get a feel for who they're talking to and have a quick glance at their photo gallery to make sure no one is sending them anything dodgy (and that they're not taking inappropriate photos of themselves to send to anyone).

We did start off with the rule 'no phones in bedrooms overnight', but both girls use theirs as their morning alarms now, but we do ensure that the handset is stored on the other side of the room, so they're not on their phones at night when they should be sleeping.

My main, absolutely non-negotiable when it comes to phones is the tracking app. It must be switched on at all times and if it's ever switched off, the phone will be confiscated immediately. It's really handy - both DDs, me my DM (she lives alone in the same city as us) and DH are all on it (although DH mainly has his switched off as he doesn't feel the need to be stalked by his MIL!) It's particularly helpful when one of the girls needs a lift home from a friends house (for example), when I've not been there before, as I can look to see where they are on the tracker app then run the map app to plot the route. Now our eldest is more independent and has a busy social life, I feel that knowing I can pinpoint exactly where she is at any given moment allows me to give her a bit more freedom than I would if I didn't have this reassurance.

We've never restricted the times our DDs can use their phones. Luckily they are both pretty sensible and we haven't run into any issues with this... so far!