Completing on a property today…

[Felsham]

and feeling utterly dreadful. I honestly feel like I’m losing it today.

I’m 3 months out of a relationship that I thought was forever. The last two years were utterly gruesome and it transpired that I’d spent lockdown being gaslit by someone who was a pill-popping coke addicted alcoholic in the throes of an affair. I was devastated and have done all the right things since, got a part-time job, set up some training next year, sat with tsunami of grief. I sold my house before we split as we were going to be starting anew in an area I’ve always wanted to live but he was just a mass of fakery and it was all lies. I’m too bruised and scared to go alone so I’ve bought a new place in the same town as my house. It’s lovely, I can’t complain, but I feel a failure. I cried when I transferred the money to my solicitor and am dreading the completion call because it’s the final break with my dream. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Does it get better? I feel like a disconnected alien on the wrong planet. Everything looks the same, but I’m so lost.

Aww lovely you're doing a brave thing and look at this as your brand new start. You're a million times better off without that cock. Today is the start of your new life and you've done so very well.

I think you grieve for what you thought you'd have but when those clouds part, my God, look at what you've achieved
You had the courage and strength to walk away and make a brand new fresh start
It may not be the town you want but what's to stop you moving again?
You go for it!

This is your stepping stone. Your place to ground and recollect youself and pull all those bits back together. In your situation I'd be grieving for the what could have been dream.

You are not a failure. You are not responsible for his actions. This is a wonderful new start for you. It doesn't have to be here for forever......but being here for right now to heal, to start afresh, to get your confidence back. Then....in the future if you still want to make the move you can do. Good luck in your new home.

Thank you all so much. I’m sitting here in tears. I feel so old and like time is running out (I’m 52). I was so looking forward to a new life, and instead I feel left behind. Everyone around me is saying “you must be so glad he’s gone!” and whilst logically I know he was ghastly at the end, I am just awash with grief at the waste of it all.

Felsham I can relate to how youre feeling. After my ex and I split after 20 years, as part of the settlement he paid the mortgage on a house for me and our teenage children. That house was way too big but he insisted on it. When the settlement period ended I bought a much smaller, more practical house, still with 4 bedrooms so kids had a base even though they're all young adults now, and the day I completed on that and it was all mine, my responsibility etc I was in floods. The only way I've reconciled it in my head is that whilst the original 'dream' has disappeared, I need to create a new dream that relies on only me for its validity!

good luck in your new home - remember - you don't have to answer to anyone else now about when to put the heating on, how warm to have the house, what lights to switch on or off, share the warm winter duvet etc. There are many benefits to being your own master.....................!!

We are the same age and I totally relate to feeling a failure! Just have to remind ourselves that stepping off from a prescribed path is bravery not failure and look at the plus points when we can.

You own a home. You're out of a bad relationship. You have the independence, money and security many women can only dream of.

Let the negativity go and consider how lucky you are. You own a home.

Try and reframe it as a fresh start rather than a failure. You’ve left a bad relationship, you have a new home – I know it’s overwhelming to start afresh but it’s also an opportunity to do things your way. Try think of it as potential and a new start rather than your previous life failing.

Yeah. I bought a house alone after my divorce. I chose it myself, organised all the finances, the move, was so proud of myself but that first day I got the keys I sat on the floor and sobbed. I didn't want to do it alone, didn't want to be raising two kids alone when I'd had the 'perfect' family. It's a natural dip and it's OK. It will pass and the freedom and independence you have will asset itself.

Thanks so much all 💚
@HugeAckmansWife I absolutely understand how you felt. I’m glad your world kinder now.

Moving is one of the most stressful things that you can do even when you are completely happy with everything in your life.

There's a common piece of pop-psychology that lists various traumatic events someone could face and assigns them points for how bad they are. Bereavement, relationship breakdown, marriage, moving home, changing job are all on there. The idea is if you score more than a certain number of points within a year, you are vulnerable to things like anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. It certainly sounds like you'd score high enough to put you in this group. The point of the exercise is to realise it's not your fault that you fell this way - there is good reason, there's nothing wrong with you, you've just been through a lot recently, more than the average person could cope with.

You'll get better. Try to think of this as a fresh start. You can't change the past and you can't change the person your ex is. But you can accept that actually you yourself are in a good place with a better future ahead.

There are no regrets, only new opportunities.

@HarrietsChariot thank you 💚

You have a home

You have your freedom

You have a new beginning

All positive things