Long term abuse from father & effect on DS

[rhubarbandcusted]

I'm not really sure why I'm posting here but it's almost 2.30AM and I'm awake and troubled by anxiety. DH, 18 month old DS and I are currently living with my parents whilst we wait for our property purchase to go through (having sold our last property a few months ago).

I have been having therapy for almost 2 years after suffering pre and post natal depression. The therapy has really centred around my relationship with my father who I now realise has always been an abusive bully. Physically and emotionally but also, at times, very subtle.

I have had challenges with him since living here for the past 3 months. When we moved in he made no efforts to help us with the lifting (as one might expect a normal person with no ailments to do) and instead proceeded to berate me in the street in front of my friend who was helping (I'm almost 30, a full time professional and have been married for 3 years).

He refused to attend his first grandchild's christening in September over two slices of bread. Threw a wobbler the day before and said he wasn't coming, then blamed it on a sickness bug the following day. Overall, he just makes me feel fucking repulsed. I watch him constantly verbally abuse my mother who to me, is a godsend and only deserves the best. Mum has wanted to leave him for years but has stayed due to finances.

It all kicked off again last night because he is forcing us to live without any central heating due to a faulty boiler despite having plenty of funds to replace the boiler. But what's stuck in my mind, is that he jovially suggested that DS (who has been climbing on the furniture a lot like a typical 18MO) should be "beat with a big stick" until he learns not to. I told him at the time how disgusting that was and he passed it off as a joke. But really, there is nothing fucking funny about it and here it is making me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

Am I over thinking it? How would you feel? And how the fuck do I handle getting this gobshite out of my life once and for all once I'm out of this house? No contact is not an option, my mum minds DS twice a week whilst I'm working.

I never leave my dc alone with my abusive father. I never had my mother babysit because I could not trust her to be as strict at protecting my dc as I would be, aka not leaving my child with father and leaving the house immediately if father shows any signs of misbehaving.
We never spend the night. I never want to be in a position of feeling like I can’t leave at a moment’s notice. We always stay in a hotel when we visit.

I have managed to have a relationship with my parents because my father did try to do better and because I set extremely firm boundaries. I vowed that my dc would never experience any hint of anything of what I experienced. We have made it to the teenage years without a single incident witnessed by a child. We did have some quick house exits early on, but my dad caught on quickly that I was very serious about my rules.

Hell no. I wouldn't let my mum look after my kid anymore considering HE will be there.
Your ds is going to get treated the same way you and your mum did /are being treated.

Why sign your ds up to be traumatised too????
Get this man out of your life.

How long until you leave? Could your mum move in with you?

Also, do not make the mistake of letting your mum off the hook. She allowed you, her child, to be abused due to ‘finances’. You need to do better for your own child.

Rent somewhere else, he wasn't going to magically change and he has proven that.

One of the things I had to come to terms with in therapy was blaming my mum a bit. Like you I have an emotionally and as a child physically abusive father. My mum has remained married to him. My dad and I are now NC. My mum visits us and sometimes we visit them but we live in different cities so it’s fairly easy to keep it clean. I love my mum but she is complicit in enabling, ignoring and definitely undermining the abuse and as my children get older I definitely don’t want that to be modelled to them. This is extremely hard to accept but in the long run I’ve found it easier

I'd leave and take mum with me. It sounds like the two of you could be a godsend for each other... you by supporting the household financially and she by supporting the household with the vital unpaid work.

Your dad can get to fuck and cheerfully freeze alone

I agree with those who say to leave with your mum. None of you can live like this. I wouldn't lay blame at your mum's door unless I knew the full story. If your dad is abusive to her too, perhaps he had her under control financially and emotionally.

I don't understand why you ( or your Mum) live with him. Mum stays " because of finances" , you stay for similar reasons . You'd be better off renting elsewhere.

You stated that you are staying there because of a gap between selling/buying your house, i.e due to 'finances', and yet you seem to be critical of your Mum because she stayed with him due to 'finances'
too ?

I'd maybe suggest you ask your Mum to move in with you for the days she's watching your DC ?

But if that wouldn't work for you all, then you need to get a nursery place for your DC instead, otherwise you're simply exposing your DC to abuse due to 'finances' too

How I feel is that I would have moved anywhere else other than back in with him. What is your husband's reaction to your father's behavior? I agree with PP's that you need to leave and take your mom with you.

Do you really not have enough money to rent? What is your Dhs view?

Move into an Airbnb until your new house is ready. Have your mum come to watch your DC at your home from then on. Never leave your DC at your parents unless you are there and watching 100% of the time. Your father WILL abuse your DC if given the chance.

It’s no surprise that you have experienced pre and post natal depression with your background of childhood abuse and ongoing abuse. Well done working with a therapist to uncover the cause.

But I am surprised that you have chosen to live with him. I am not surprised by his vile behaviour - that is who he is.

You really need to go NC or v v v LC because your recovery will be incomplete if he keeps opening up your vulnerable wounds. When you are emotionally injured it likely triggers you back into an emotional overwhelm of complex PTSD - and you flip into one of the trauma responses fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop. When this happens you become emotionally dysregulated and stuck.

This has a huge impact on your mind and body and in this state you are unable to be emotionally available to others eg your DS because you can’t be in two emotional places at once.

Your DS will also sense, absorb and internalise your change in mood / disconnection and feel confused and stressed.

You need to carry on with your therapy and get him out of your life.

I would not have your DM looking after your child - she has proven she is unable to protect children. She is unable to stand up for you now as an adult and her reasons are ultimately selfish.

She was and is complicit in your abuse.

I imagine that you continue to tolerate far to much shocking behavior from them both due to FOG (fear obligation guilt) but his words around beating your baby son has kicked you into revulsion. This is the correct feeling.

Don’t allow your DM to look after your DS.

Thanks everyone for your input.

It sounds daft but I'd lived away from home for 7 years and honestly thought when we moved in that things had changed in that time and it would be tolerable ... We've been here for 3 months now, thankfully we are due to complete by the end of the month so renting somewhere is not an option in the current property climate (and probably wouldn't have been in the first place as minimum tenancies are 6 months).

DS does go to nursery for 2 days a week already, mum looking after him at our house for the other 2 days is definitely an option. Mum coming to live with us is also an options.

DH stays out of it which I think he is correct to do. Father tends not to be so bold in front of DH.

@CaramelWaferAndTea our situation sounds very similar, on reflection I think I find it difficult to lay blame at mum's door because it is too painful to feel failed by both. Mum's explanation is you had a good childhood and didn't want for anything as if that makes up for the rest.

@DFOD

It’s no surprise that you have experienced pre and post natal depression with your background of childhood abuse and ongoing abuse. Well done working with a therapist to uncover the cause.

But I am surprised that you have chosen to live with him. I am not surprised by his vile behaviour - that is who he is.

You really need to go NC or v v v LC because your recovery will be incomplete if he keeps opening up your vulnerable wounds. When you are emotionally injured it likely triggers you back into an emotional overwhelm of complex PTSD - and you flip into one of the trauma responses fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop. When this happens you become emotionally dysregulated and stuck.

This has a huge impact on your mind and body and in this state you are unable to be emotionally available to others eg your DS because you can’t be in two emotional places at once.

Your DS will also sense, absorb and internalise your change in mood / disconnection and feel confused and stressed.

You need to carry on with your therapy and get him out of your life.

I would not have your DM looking after your child - she has proven she is unable to protect children. She is unable to stand up for you now as an adult and her reasons are ultimately selfish.

She was and is complicit in your abuse.

I imagine that you continue to tolerate far to much shocking behavior from them both due to FOG (fear obligation guilt) but his words around beating your baby son has kicked you into revulsion. This is the correct feeling.

Don’t allow your DM to look after your DS.

You have hit the nail on the head. It has been a steep learning curve for me and quite obviously my decision to come back was naive. I have totally stopped any routine or toolkit I had to look after myself (physically and mentally), I had put this down to the pressure of dealing with a property transaction amidst full time work and a 18MO but perhaps not ...

You didn’t have a good childhood - it was physically and emotionally violent. So much damage was done that you are left with serious MH issues which will now impact your DC. Pre and PND is hugely linked to insecure and abusive childhoods.

It’s not true that you didn’t want for anything - you needed the very basics of emotional warmth, certainty, safety and protection - in order for you to emotionally develop and thrive. You didn’t get that - don’t let her gaslight you and minimise what happened (and is still happening) - she is in denial because it’s self serving. The truth hurts as does the ongoing emotional violence.