Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex baby dad

38 replies

Catlo · 03/11/2021 23:10

My ex and I have been split for around 2 years, he abandoned me and baby and met another family he moved to a town around 20mins away, it's taken a huge amount of healing for me to become a very content and happy mum with a more positive outlook on life and I've worked seriously hard to do so as last year I had such a bad mental breakdown I attempted suicide. I am in such a better place (or I was) due to him being somewhat out of sight. My Ex doesn't see our child, he isn't interested and has seen her a handful of times in her life, I've given him chance after chance but he's not bothered. So I eventually gave up and focused solely on building a wonderful life for her and my other child.
Today, I found out, him and his new family have moved back to where I live, an extremely small town. I am devasted, I feel right back to where I was, I'm angry and hurt and I feel like the only choice I have is to uproot myself and my kids. He has no reason to move here, I feel so on edge now, I feel like my independent happy private life has been snatched away by him. This is somewhere my children are settled in school and nursery, it's where I grew up and it's somewhere I planned to be for a very long time. Am I crazy for being so mad? No one even told me I had to find our online. I felt betrayed significantly

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 03/11/2021 23:23

What do you mean you found out online? Do you still look him up? Maybe he’s moved closer for access which he’s entitled to, that’s all I can think the reason would be

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/11/2021 23:32

He has no reason that you know of. Why do you even know he has moved? Maybe his partner has a new job. Maybe it's a better school than wherever they were. None of that is any of your concern and unless he makes contact to arrange to see your DC then you need to pretend like he doesn't exist.

Keep focussing on your life and your DC. Can you access some counselling sessions just to have a space to talk through your feelings?

Original poster
Catlo · 03/11/2021 23:33

It was on an online group for my town I do not look him up. He is absolutely entitled and he chooses not to see her, he doesn't show up when it's his days, he doesn't pay, he missed all of her birthdays and Christmas'. He has a drink problem and only ever contacts me about seeing her at 3am when he's drunk, when I've responded I then get nothing back. It's been over two years and he's a broken record. The only contact I get now is him playing games saying he wants to see me, I've now had to be forced to block him.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 03/11/2021 23:35

If he’s not asking or wanting to see her then just get on with your life and stop Facebook stalking him

Original poster
Catlo · 03/11/2021 23:36

That may be the case but what about my daughter when I have to move her nursery and her life because I can't have him break her heart. He's stalked me and been both mentally and physically abusive in the past. These feelings I have haven't come from nowhere, it's just so disheartening to reach a place in my life where I'm so happy to then have this. I've had domestic abuse counselling, I'm on anti depressants. All because of him and the things he did to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Catlo · 03/11/2021 23:40

As I said I was not Facebook stalking him. I would have found out regardless because it's a small town, someone would have told me. I have been getting on with my life, changed it all and made myself so happy. Easier said than done to just get on with it when you've been left to raise a child alone

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 03/11/2021 23:44

You cant stay the victim forever. You said you have built yourself up to be happy and content.

Then you must stay strong..And not be rocked so easily. You say he doesn't really contact you now. So carry on living your life and hold your head high.

I presume your daughter has no idea who he really is if she is very young and doesn't see him much?

Unfortunately he can move wherever he wants. It's time you stopped letting him control your feelings.

PuttingOutFires · 03/11/2021 23:45

I think people are being unduly harsh to you OP. Rationally of course he is allowed to do it but I can see why you're pissed off. The only advantage is that if/ when he sees you, he will see how far you have come. Please don't let him ruin your home life- he's already taken enough.

Coyoacan · 03/11/2021 23:48

That is horrible, OP. Could you not just blank as if he were a stranger?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 03/11/2021 23:51

I can understand your hurt and frustration, but you need to rise above this. You are the better person and you need to hold your head high. He has no power over you - he’s a lost cause when it comes to parenting. It’s crap but that’s not going to change, and by the sounds of it you are better off without him.

Ignore him and live your best life. It’s the ultimate revenge.

Original poster
Catlo · 03/11/2021 23:58

I wish I could just stop letting him make me feel so upset and hurt and angry but it's very hard to switch the feelings off when I went through so much all whilst with a newborn baby.
Yes she's too young to know (she's 2 now) who he is but the type of person he is, he would tell her, he would shout, he would turn up at our house and obviously she's at an age now where she understands a bit more.
I wish so much that he didn't bring this side of me out but he does. Its not for lack of trying trust me.
I appreciate the understanding. I will blank him, it's what I feel when I go home is what I find hard to cope with. Yes he took my entire personality away from me, my happiness and my feeling of safety. Sad but true. I'll never trust anyone again

OP posts:
Original poster
Catlo · 04/11/2021 00:00

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

Thank you so much, you're so right. Even if it means taking myself out of the situation and moving, it doesn't matter as long as it makes us a happy family 😊

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 04/11/2021 00:07

@Catlo

I wish I could just stop letting him make me feel so upset and hurt and angry but it's very hard to switch the feelings off when I went through so much all whilst with a newborn baby. Yes she's too young to know (she's 2 now) who he is but the type of person he is, he would tell her, he would shout, he would turn up at our house and obviously she's at an age now where she understands a bit more. I wish so much that he didn't bring this side of me out but he does. Its not for lack of trying trust me. I appreciate the understanding. I will blank him, it's what I feel when I go home is what I find hard to cope with. Yes he took my entire personality away from me, my happiness and my feeling of safety. Sad but true. I'll never trust anyone again
I mean this kindly, but if he affects you this much after 2 years then it’s probably time to try to get some help to move on sweetly xx
Original poster
Catlo · 04/11/2021 00:11

@Rachie1973 I know, I don't know what else i can do. Just feel like this has taken me ten steps back.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 00:14

You might never end up seeing him , I live 5 mins drive from my sister I’m nc with and I never see her anywhere, I wouldn’t worry tbh if he only lived 20 mins drive away before then he wasn’t exactly a million miles away anyway

Original poster
Catlo · 04/11/2021 00:27

I hope you're right.

OP posts:
Squeezita · 04/11/2021 04:32

@Notimeforaname

You cant stay the victim forever. You said you have built yourself up to be happy and content.

Then you must stay strong..And not be rocked so easily. You say he doesn't really contact you now. So carry on living your life and hold your head high.

I presume your daughter has no idea who he really is if she is very young and doesn't see him much?

Unfortunately he can move wherever he wants. It's time you stopped letting him control your feelings.

This is a really unhelpful way to speak to a DV survivor.

This man has physically and mentally abused her, of course she is going is to be scared of the impact of him moving back to her extremely small town, both on her and on her child.

Squeezita · 04/11/2021 04:33

OP, I’m sorry he’s moved so close. He has no shame does he? Moving a stone’s throw from a child he abandoned and does not financially support.

Does he work? I would be getting on to the CMS for child support ASAP.

Marvellousmadness · 04/11/2021 05:56

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's not helpful. Not for you nor your kid.
Fuck that guy. Let him move wherever he wants. It's not your concern.
He is no longer ex baby daddy. He is just a man who you were once involved with. He is not your dc's dad. He is just a man that help create her

Brush yourself off and keep living. Don't run from him. You don't need to.

heiferr · 04/11/2021 06:42

Would it kill some of you to be a little bit kinder? You're speaking to someone who was so low that they contemplated suicide and now a significant stressor has moved closer to her. Can you people honestly not see how that might be challenging for someone that has worked hard to pull themselves out of a dark place? Chucking around words like "stalking" and "victim" in this way are incredibly unhelpful.

I get it OP Thanks

Etinoxaurus · 04/11/2021 06:48

@heiferr

Would it kill some of you to be a little bit kinder? You're speaking to someone who was so low that they contemplated suicide and now a significant stressor has moved closer to her. Can you people honestly not see how that might be challenging for someone that has worked hard to pull themselves out of a dark place? Chucking around words like "stalking" and "victim" in this way are incredibly unhelpful.

I get it OP Thanks

I’m amazed at the responses on this thread. Abusive ex partner doesn’t support his child and stalks mum, has now moved back and you’re sneering at her Confused Get cms involved, I suspect he’ll crawl back under his rock. Flowers you’re a great and strong mum @Catlo
RudestLittleMadam · 04/11/2021 06:51

There’s some really harsh replies on this thread to someone who has disclosed they have been abused by their now ex partner. No need for it.

OP, have you ever had therapy or counselling to help you come to terms with what happened? It’s not guaranteed to work but it might help to process everything and give you coping strategies if and when your paths cross with his. Hope things get easier for you soon.

Fleur405 · 04/11/2021 06:58

I’m sorry this has happened and I feel some people are being unduly harsh. I think the most important thing is not to panic. While this is far from ideal it has happened and you have options. From what you said you have gotten through worse so you can get through this too. If he harasses you in anyway you should contact a solicitor. Otherwise you might find it’s not actually so bad and you can easily avoid him. My friend lives a 5 minute walk from me but I rarely see her unless we arrange it what with us both always being so busy. I appreciate small time life might be a bit different though.

Ultimately you can move away. I understand all the reasons why you don’t want to and why that’s not really fair but if it allowed you to move on then it might be for the best? But again, I’d try not to make any snap decisions.

heiferr · 04/11/2021 06:59

OP maybe ask MNHQ to move this thread to relationships? Hopefully you'll have better responses there, you're not alone, there are plenty of women in this site that have experienced similar trauma to you.

My betting is that regardless of moving closer to you, he wont be pushing for regular contact. If your child was truly motivation for him moving back, he would have contacted you before moving or as soon as he arrived in order to set up some sort of arrangement. Do you have a support system around you at all? If so, it will be worth speaking to people you trust, sometimes words of reassurance are the step are enough to help you get back on track. If not, maybe see if there are any emotional support or DV support groups near by? You are far more in control of this than you feel right now I promise.

MondeoFan · 04/11/2021 07:05

I feel for you Op, I'd be the same. I know what you mean, you could be bumping into him regularly, even daily. All those feelings will be brought to the surface again.
I'm pretty sure most of the unhelpful comments on here are from posters who are happily married and have no understanding at all of your situation.

You've had to get into a certain headspace go get on with your life, now all that could be ruined.

Of course he's entitled to move to where he wants, but it was probably out of sight, out of mind a bit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread