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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking ILs have got it WRONG - "it's easier if we just give you this (admittedly big) cheque and you buy what you want"

47 replies

TutterrysChocolateOrange · 12/12/2007 12:52

i'd rather them buy something

small, even

and wrap it, and give it

it's the same when we ask if there's anything they'd like from us

e.g.

FIL wants cash to buy something for himself for christmas

we always give cash to dh's nephews. i hate it. he says "but that's what they want"

[grump]

OP posts:
Whooosh · 12/12/2007 12:59

Well having been the recipient of two very expensive Xmas presents at the weekend from my Father and Stepmother-for which I have no use and really didn't want-I would have far rather had the cash.

I know they are lazy,selfish so and so's who will never actually THINK about what they are giving-I really would have rather had the money.

I know it is wrong but I now have £100's worth of stuff I don't want-can give one of them away but the other is "security engraved" with my name.

I do understand what you mean but at least you can get something you really do want if they give you cash...

binklebells · 12/12/2007 13:00

Always get cash off in-laws. They are lazy and uninventive and I always spend the cash they give me well before christmas in anticipation on nice things like going out clothes and shoes so works for me!

5GoldenFIMBOs · 12/12/2007 13:10

My pil are lovely people, but every single year we get a £20 gift voucher from M & S. I don't shop there that much and have often used it to buy food instead . Dh still has his from last year iirc. The dc's get cheques.

jojosmaman · 12/12/2007 13:13

Its a difficult one, on one hand I agree, I like to think Xmas is about thoughtfullness, surprises and kindness and it seems quite vulgar to just write out a huge cheque but on the other hand, if they bought you something of the same value that was crap then you would wish you had the money instead!

With my DP, he hates shopping so always asks what I want but I don't like just giving him a list so I say vaguely a few things I would like, say a bag or a purse and let him choose them so its still a surprise and bless him, up to now he has done a good job! Maybe you could suggest this? Say something you need as a family or a few ideas of smaller things you would like and let them choose?

tribpot · 12/12/2007 13:17

I think people are divided into two distinct camps here; I'm in the "I would rather not give something they didn't want / didn't need" school of thought (or 'lazy and selfish' as has been described here ) whereas clearly it is equally valid to be in the "I would like to feel they had put a little time and effort into choosing something specially for me" camp. Ideally entire families would have all members in one or other camp and we would only marry amongst ourselves

For me the problem is dealing with the clutter and waste in disposing of unwanted gifts. I have enough to do and enough existing clutter to shift as well (dh is a hoarder).

ImBarryScott · 12/12/2007 13:18

He he....ILs can't win, can they?
I moan about mine, who will spend £50-100 on tat things DD and we don't want. I'd rather have the cash .
Well actually, I'd rather be asked for guidance, and receive a thoughtfully chosen, tasteful gift or two. But that's never going to happen.

jojosmaman · 12/12/2007 13:21

ooh just had a thought, how long do you think it will be before stores start doing Christmas lists (like they do with wedding lists) and you basically put on everything you want and people buy it safe in the knowldedge that it was something you wanted and they hadnt had to even think about it!

Bagsy having mine at Selfridges

vitomum · 12/12/2007 13:25

the weird bit is that they have given you money but FIL wants money back off you for his own christmas pressie. eh? what's the point in that.

in my family my parents often give us money for christmas but we are pretty skint and they are rich, so that makes sense and is appreciated. i always buy them a present, not an expensive one.

so i suppose my rule is that inter generational giving of money only makes sense when one generation is better off than the other. The poorer generation should try and give 'thoughtful' presents instead

edam · 12/12/2007 13:25

Facebook tried that one, didn't go down very well.

I'd rather have cash from my ILs, tbh, esp. if you are talking about a big cheque. They are lovely but don't seem to have sufficient insight into the workings of my mind to choose exactly the right gift. And it would save them wasting money on stuff I really don't want.

Anna8888 · 12/12/2007 13:28

My OLs are terrible present-buyers. They are prepared to spend loads of money in expensive shops and always end up buying things we don't want and usually actively dislike.

I wish they'd give us money (or ask us what we would really like).

tori32 · 12/12/2007 13:28

I do agree to an extent, however, if people don't see much of you (my parents and IL see us about 4 x per year) its difficult to get something you need and like.
I love books, cds, clothes etc. but rarely know what I actually want in the way of titles until I go shopping and see something. So from that pov I prefer to have money or vouchers for clothes etc.
It only irritates me when my parents give money for my dd 22mths for birthday or xmas as it isn't difficult to buy something she will like.

SpottyHamster · 12/12/2007 13:32

IKWYM, but in recent years most of our rellies have handed over cheques and asked us to get something. Its easier for us as DSs want particular games for consoles and MIL wouldn't have a clue in that type of shop. Also we won't be seeing them until after Christmas. DBs family hate getting money sent for their DCs tho' and suggest toys they would like. The trouble is they live 100s of miles away so the postage usually amounts to 1/3 of the total cost. It is nice to choose & buy people things, but often you don't know what they like/have got if they live away from you.I can see it both ways really.

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 13:35

Don't look a gift horse imho, much better than them wasting money on something you don't like, battling with hoardes shopping in the cold, to buy tat. If you don't think it's in the spirit of Christmas then I'd question the spirit of Christmas. You could say well look we'd normally spend about 20 quid so why don't you just knock that off the amount you give us

hellsbells76 · 12/12/2007 13:35

i'm with you - just received my xmas £50 cheque in the post from my parents. i also got a £50 cheque for my birthday. and christmas last year. and my birthday the year before that. am quite hurt that they can't seem to be bothered to think of anything i might like and just write out the same cheque every year. which i inevitably end up spending on a thoughtful present for them

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 13:36

But then I am disillusioned and have made presents this year. Much better to make something than by tat that no one wants and make retailers richer. I'm just not buying into the christmas madness.

edam · 12/12/2007 13:38

ooh, I'd love an 'admittedly big' cheque...

blueshoes · 12/12/2007 13:38

I am in the 'I'd rather get nothing than something I don't like' camp. So cash in lieu would be quite nice. Otherwise, a charitable donation would work equally well. Too much clutter as it is.

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 13:38

I would just bank the cheques and be grateful.

TheIceQueen · 12/12/2007 13:40

I prefer to get money or vouchers rather than end up with unwanted/duplicated gifts.

My parents left us a £10 argos voucher for each of the DS's yesterday - I shall go into town at the weekend and buy something, wrap it up and label it from Granny and Granddad.

When you consider how much money is spent on "unwanted" gifts I'd rather people gave us money and let us spend it how we see fit.

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 13:40

Yes I so very nearly bought my IL's a goat to give to an impoverished family in the developing world as they are so self indulgent - but they have nice home made sloe gin instead..

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 13:42

there's tons of stuff my dd would really like and genuinely need but grandfolks who see her once a yr will just turn up with plastic tat rather than ask or give money.

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 13:43

having said that my dd got the lawn mowed for her 3rd bday present from great grandma... it was the only cash in the house

ChristmasNo1Songbird · 12/12/2007 13:43

Ha, if we spend xmas with ILs (in Ireland), then we get pressies, if not we get money! I'm much happier if it's the latter . We're currently waiting for a cheque to arrive as a present to all three of us - not even dd gets a present! Lazy buggers, honestly.

My parents have also given us money this year as they wanted to buy us a dishwasher (mum's fed up with doing the dishes when they come to stay haha), but if and when they do this (there's usually something that needs to be paid for!), they send a few presents as well, mum likes the idea of us having something to unwrap on xmas morning, and I agree!

bigmyrrhstrikesagain · 12/12/2007 13:45

I have received a (generous) cheque from our in-laws for xmas and they have expressly asked to not have anything in return (we are getting them small thoughtful gifts. They are busy people not really 'into' Christmas themselves and have no wish to give unwanted gifts.

They will be with us on Christmas day and have contributed to the cost of dinner, I have been uncomfortable with their generosity in the past but am used to it now and I understand that their intentions are very good they only want to help and as they have little time (while they both still working ft)they gift money.

alexandre · 12/12/2007 13:46

I'd be very grateful for the cheque. Much better than being bought some rubbish. Spend it in the sales on stuff you really want. My family always ask each other what we want so that the money isn't wasted - that way we get something we need and not something we don't but there is still a gift to unwrap and a small element of surprise and the having to go to the trouble of shopping for it for those who like Christmas shopping. Armed with my various lists I did all my Christmas shopping online in an hour -very satisfying!

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