To not want a baby shower

[Kentuckyrain]

First thread so I hope this is okay,
I've just been told by my friend, that there will be a surprise baby shower held for me in a few weeks by my SIL. She is a fantastic person and truly has a heart of gold and although this might seem alright to most the point being is its being held the day after my mums death anniversary. My mum passed away when I was 21 2 years ago, and my SIL thought it would cheer me up to do it the day after. I can see how most people won't see a problem it's just so hard for me to celebrate things without my mum with me especially having her first grand child💔 I have to celebrate every Christmas, birthday without her she won't be there on my wedding day. I know it's come from good place I just wish it was for a different date. My friend told me as I rang her earlier crying about my birthday that's coming up that I'm dreading because it's close to the anniversary and it's just a hard time for me at the moment.

AIBU for being upset?

No, you are definitely not being unreasonable! I can't imagine how difficult it is for you around that anniversary, especially since you're having your first child. I think your SIL although was coming from a good place should have been a bit more sensitive. If you're not feeling up to it tell them.
I really don't like baby showers anyway so when people started talking about having one for me I told them I didn't want one. Covid was a good excuse anyway.

YANBU.
My condolences for the loss of your mum. My mum passed away when I was 25 so I know what it’s like to not have her to share pregnancies and grandchildren with. And I completely understand why having the shower so close to the anniversary is something you don’t want.

Can your friend speak to SIL and try to get her to move it to a different date? She doesn’t need to say that you know, but she could say how upset you were about your birthday and that she doesn’t think you’d like the shower so close to the anniversary?

Big hugs, OP.

Thank you very much for your responses I don't want to seem ungrateful I'm just still grieving and my SIL is lucky enough to still have her mum. I know it's come from a good place but I'm not okay with it so I'll have to ask my friend to mention that or I will myself

@AFS1 I'm so sorry for your loss too🌸

It would be fine not to want one for any reason. I’m not against them and have organised several for friends who wanted one but I’d have hated it and said so forcefully to anyone who asked. They completely respected it.

YADNBU

I would be exactly the same.

I lost my mum in Feb and am pregnant (it’s my second so she did get to be a grandma for a little while) but I’ve also told my friends no big baby shower because I would just find it too emotional that my mum couldn’t be there.

I’m so sorry for your loss lovely xx

Oh bless you @Kentuckyrain, I'm so sorry that you lost your lovely DM. No of course YANBU. From what you say SIL isn't either but has just been a bit misguided in trying to arrange this.

I think it's likely you can easily sort this out with SIL, if you feel able to I think it would be good for you to speak to her rather than your friend if possible. Would you be happy to have the baby shower on another date or would you just prefer to not have one? Because that is absolutely fine too (for any reason I might add).

Yanbu. I wanted to organize a wedding shower for my future sister in law. My brother very nicely told me she didn’t want this at all, she didn’t want any fuss. I definitely honoured her request and was not offended. I think the hard part is finding the right balance between being assertive enough that she honours your wishes but nice enough that your gratitude comes through.

Since it is meant to surprise your friend needs to stress to your SIL that the date is not suitable. To be honest I am surprised none of your friends/ family has said this to your SIL.

I think it's best if you call your SIL and tell her that you know about the baby shower - no need to say how. Explain that, while it was a nice thought, you are just not up for it and to please cancel her plans.

Thanks everyone, I think people just assumed it was going to cheer me up I can sort of see why but its just bad timing. I don't really want a baby shower at all so I'll tell SIL myself.

Really appericiate everyone's kind responses 💕