To ask how to separate my own low self esteem from DD's difficulties

[oohlalabonbons]

DD is in Year 7 and struggling with friendships. She is a lovely girl, but feels she is being left out and alone by the peers she was at primary with.

I'm not really sure why, but she sometimes forgets to show interest in others, and I think she might be seen as immature and a bit nerdy by the group that she wants to be friends with.

We have encouraged her to join clubs etc and generally put herself out there. She is quite bright and gained the most 'achievement points' in Y7 for the first half term, which also gained her some unpleasant comments from her peers.

I am finding this really hard as I feel that it is my fault. She is very like me personality-wise, and it breaks my heart that I have done this to her.

I have very few friends as an adult, and had an awful time at secondary school with being excluded by those I thought were friends and being bullied for working hard and achieving.

I am really struggling to support her as I get irrationally cross at the way she is like me and disappointed that she can't be different. This is massively unfair on her and although I try not to show it, I am feeling so low and I think she senses this disappointment.

I am feeling so low about all this and keep dissolving into tears, so please, please be kind and help me try to separate my own issues and help DD.

@Spoonio we have been doing this recently, after we realised that she wouldn't be hearing a lot of it unless with her cousins - it can tend to be DH and I asking her questions!

Was she doing better in primary school? Does she have friends from previous years?

I never had issues in making friends, but I struggled a bit in Y7 and Y8, could be just a "temporary" thing. If she has a good group of friends from previous years I would not be very concerned.

Hugs to you both

@marykitty

Was she doing better in primary school? Does she have friends from previous years?

I never had issues in making friends, but I struggled a bit in Y7 and Y8, could be just a "temporary" thing. If she has a good group of friends from previous years I would not be very concerned.

Hugs to you both

Yes, although this is part of the problem - most have made new friends whereas she has not.

Thanks for the hugs!

[quote oohlalabonbons]@Ozanj I do think that this would help. We are close to my sister and her family - DSis is the biggest extrovert out there and provides a good contrast to my introversion!

I will make more of an effort to model friendships for her - thank you. [/quote]
I know it’s a lot but maybe try to role model active listening as a way of giving her a tool to ‘show interest’. I remember reading once that the people who have the most meaningful friendships tend to spend more time listening in an affirmative or active way - ie say hmm-hmm or yes as friends talk & then asking open ended questions about what they just said to open up the conversation.

Another great way of showing interest is by following up hello with how was your evening / weekend instead of how are you, as it opens up the conversation. Then a positive affirmation like ‘great’ plus asking question will really open the conversation.

Then once she knows what someone likes / their interests are she needs to remember and bring it up in a nice way in future conversations. I have dyslexia so my memory is shit so my gran encouraged me to write things down about my day as soon as I came home. She focussed on social stuff because she wanted to know what my friends liked / disliked for when they came to play. I still do this & I can’t tell you how much it helps me keep track of things.

Sometimes school is a lottery of personality types and they may just be incompatible with your DD's. I changed secondary schools in year 8 as the girls were mean and the kids ridiculed anyone remotely studious.

I changed to a different school that streamed better by ability. I slotted in with a lovely crowd and never had a single issue with bullying.

@Ozanj Good idea re active listening techniques, thanks. Ironically I run training on this for trainee teachers 😏

I had huge problems socially as a child and was bullied very badly. It broke my heart when I saw it happening to my son too (he was later diagnosed with ASC - not saying this applies to you or your daughter but just giving context). Although it was difficult what my experience of bullying and social exclusion and the corresponding MH fallout for me, gave me loads of great experience and strategies to pass on to my son. Also meant I was quick to step in and recognise when he was struggling and both help him and advocate for him.

As an adult he is now doing so much better than me. He doesn't have the MH conditions I struggle with and he has lots of friends and a girlfriend. He is doing so well and he says himself it's because of a lot of the things I taught him and did for him. I wouldn't have been able to do those things without the experience I had had. So take your wealth of experience and pass that on to your daughter!

And hugs too as it's so hard to watch your them going through this when you know how painful it is.

Thank you @RavingAnnie 😊

@Mistressofnone

Sometimes school is a lottery of personality types and they may just be incompatible with your DD's. I changed secondary schools in year 8 as the girls were mean and the kids ridiculed anyone remotely studious.

I changed to a different school that streamed better by ability. I slotted in with a lovely crowd and never had a single issue with bullying.

I'm glad that worked out for you - last resort would be to move her, but good to hear positives 😊