3 yr old not listening and hitting

[MaryxxA]

My DS is fast asleep and now I feel all the guilt and cried my eyes out! Today has not been a good day! I had an appointment and did not plan on taking him with me. He seen me getting ready so I asked him if he wanted to go to his nans or his great nans, he wanted to go to his great nans which is further away from me, but I had time then and could take him. So I told him to tidy his toys and get his coat on, but he was busy playing. So i told him again and he acknowledged me but still didnt move. So i told him again if he didnt I would not be takinh him, so i left towards the front door and he started crying and coming to front door too and getting his shoes on. I told him he cant come because he hasnt picked the toys up, so he threw the shoes of the shoe shelf. I removed him from the porch and told him if he wanted to go to pick his toys up. But he refused. So i got down to his level and very firmly told him that if he wanted to go he has to pick his toys up. So he did.
So i was now going to be late for my appointment if I was to drop him at his great nans. So i told him I cant drop him there now but he can go to his nans. So he cried and screamed about that.
I had to pick him up and drag him to the door. I even told him that his nan would drop him off.
So he went in there and was just screaming go away.
When I picked him up he was fine.
Later on his uncle came round and was showing a horror video to his grandad, and he went to see but his uncle told him he couldnt watch it as it was scary. So he got upset with him and started crying and hitting his uncle and screaming go away at him.
I just removed him from there and took him to a quiet spot to calm down.
Like alot of the times he doesnt know how to react like he will get upset/sad but start hitting aswell.
I feel guilt like should I be more patient with him?
How do I help him understand?
How do I stop the hitting?

Keep talking to him how you are but warn him once, then follow through.
Dont keep asking him over and over again.

I counted 5 times there where you told him if he wanted to go, to pick up the toys.

For the hitting, lots of 2 and 3 year olds go through this. He is expressing frustration.

You were right to remove him from the situation to calm down, I would also have him apologise to his uncle/you/anyone he hits,every time.

I worked in a pre school for a time and had one little boy who would always bite if anything/anyone annoyed him.
His poor mum was beside herself trying to get him to stop, she kept trying different methods when one didn't work the first or second time.

I remember her one day crying,asking me if she was just a bad mum my heart broke for her. He was a lovely boy in every other way,he'd just gotten into a bad habit.

He grew out of it when he'd had enough of the time outs,exclusion from activities and all the apologising he was forced to do.

The key was consistency, both mum and school staff would give one or two warnings and then he had a time out or missed the next activity or the first few minutes of it. Every time.
Also, a fuss was made over the child/adult he had bitten whilst he got minimal attention during those moments.

You could also try star charts for good behaviour.

Have a chat with him about how hitting makes people feel.

Reward him for the days he does do as he is told.

Give him more attention for doing things well and less attention when acting up.

There are also lots of story books on emotions and being kind which you could read to him.

Good luck op, you sound like a lovely mum!

Hello, my son is like this (nearly 3). The thing is, he can understand a little bit, but isnt experienced enough to think through all the consequences of things he does. He also obviously thinks he is the centre of the universe and why shouldn't everything be organised for his particular pleasure? Do he screams and hits me when things don't go his way. They simply get overwhelmed by the "big" feelings, like disappointment when something goes wrong, or anger when they don't get their way, and cannot cope.

I think you are doing things fine - calmly warn, explain, remove him from the situation.

The only thing I would do is add is a few extras - firstly, give him a countdown to when a change is coming so for example, "you're playing nicely there, that is good. In 5 minutes we are going to stop playing and tidy up, then put our shoes on to go out and see Great gran" Then when he kicks off, acknowledge the problem, "oh dear, I can see you are sad because you want to carry on playing, come and have a quick cuddle and you will feel happy again ". Then say, "oh now we are in a hurry! Quick quick let's tidy up! Shall I help you? Let's race! " I have silly songs for when we tidy up and I make it funny - eg put a toy on my head, in my pocket, upside down on the shelf, or heap them up in a mess and say "all done, tidy!" and wait for my son to disagree, then I dent it and say it's lovely and tidy and that makes him giggle. Making it a giggle helps. Then when everything is tidy, lots of praise for him helping nicely. Then "oh dear we are still in a rush! Quick, run and get shoes on!," And same again make it fun.

If something still goes wrong and he melts down (eg gets stuck putting his coat on and hits me in frustration), Then I warn him, "no hitting, it isnt kind, it hurts mummy" and I move away. Usually he is screaming/crying at this point so I say, "I know you are cross about X, but we need to get moving. Please can you stop crying, because now i feel sad and it's mg turn to cry." So far ALWAYS he has shut up almost instantly to watch me "cry". I have a good old fake wail. If my daughter or husband is around, I tell them each it is their turn and they have a fake cry each too. Then I turn back to my son and say, "right your turn again. Do you want to cry now?" And EVERY SINGLE TIME he has said no, and the tantrum is over.

It is amazing, a trick I got off a shared parenting video from some guy in the US. Do try it, it is unbelievable but it works for us every time!

Keep the message clear. It’s natural and normal to feel angry sometimes, but it’s not ok to hurt people.

When he’s calm repeat. You could also start talking about some things he can do when he’s angry that will not hurt anyone (deep breaths, move to somewhere safe to calm down etc)

He got a lot of attention for not doing something immediately. Could you physically help him start the tidy up 15 minutes earlier so that iota less pressurised and he can have a choice choice. Alternatively don’t provide a choice at all if it’s too last minute and too pressurised.

It’s important to discipline with warmth. You can always redirect (I’ve got a much better film for you to watch on my phone) or count how long it can be till he’s allowed to do something (explain the rules state he can watch it when he’s 18, then count from 3 to 18). Although he’s still very young.

Use humour before things heighten.

You could always label his feelings ‘you’re frustrated because you want to play and see great gran’

To be fair to your 3 year old it sounds like you surprised him with the fact he was going somewhere, choosing to go to his great nans and then started to rush him? Hitting is never acceptable but I think a little bit of preparation might have helped in this situation.

He’s not a bad kid and you aren’t a bad mum, it was just a bad day! I’m so sorry, we all have those some times.

I completely agree about consistency and also giving ample warning about what’s going to happen. I find the more I do this the easier my kids are. I also think big choices can be hard for kids, so ‘blue cup or green cup?’ Is fine but ‘Nan or Great Nan’s?’ Is too difficult. When we have to rush to do something, I sometimes sing a made up song about getting coats and shoes on or tidying up toys.

As an aside have you had his ears checked? DS hit me and his sisters lots and had glue ear and moderately impaired hearing. Once the glue ear cleared up the hitting stopped - but it still comes back a bit when he has an ear infection.