Dd growing up not seeing affection between us

[Greynesseverywhere]

Been with Dp for many years, been through a lot together. Dd is 3 and a year or so after she was born, we seem to have been drifting apart. Dd is quite a full on child, so we never really get much time alone together, we also have no family nearby to help out.
For me I think I hold a lot of resentment for the early months after dd being born. I felt like I did so much and struggled a lot and he wasn’t there for me as I needed, Dd had colic and rarely slept, it was a difficult time.
Most of the time we get along ok, we try not to argue, although there’s often tension between us, that we try not to show in front of Dd. Most of the time I’m able to avoid him and feel happier that way.
I really don’t know what to do.
Have been feeling really upset recently at the thought of dd not witnessing a loving, affectionate relationship and the affect that may have on her. We both adore her so much and she’s given an over abundance of love from both of us.
Feeling so low about it, are we messing up our child?

I think it's important for parents to model a good relationship and what it looks like to children. You've already noted that yours isn't.

You can either have counselling with him or leave. I would not be staying in a relationship as you describe. Avoiding him because you're happier that way sounds pretty bad.

My grandparents were married for nearly 60 years before my grandpa died last year. They basically raised me (lived there in childhood) but I cannot re-call one time where I seen them kiss or cuddle but they were very committed otherwise. Rarely argued and when they did they'd get over it quickly.

I don't think your Dd will be affected - she would be more affected by arguing etc. My mum and stepdad had a very affectionate but also very firey relationship. I witnessed so many arguments and fights, that affected me more than anything.

3 is a very challenging age and kids can put a strain on relationships. When Dd was a bay up until maybe 3-4 (I also have older Ds from previous relationship) me andDp really struggled. We were getting no time to ourselves, tired from work, life and parenting. It was a hard time. But things are a lot better now our children are a little older!

I think it sounds like things are coming to a head with you both, Time now is good I think to sit down round the table just the two of you and be honest about what you really want and where you see yourselves, Until you do this you are stuck,avoiding him and your situation.If you want your relationship to work then there is no reason why it can;t but you have to be honest and face things to get any resolution and get the resentments out,Your little one will be fine,its all your child knows, Sounds like there is a lot of love from you both as parents towards your little one but I do think it would be best to decide if this continues together as a family or seperately, Bite the bullet put the kettle on talk together and listen to each other see if you can work something out, Good Luck Op its hard I know.

There wasn’t a lot of affection in my relationship with my exH and although I don’t really think the dc noticed when they were little, after we split when they were 11 & 14ish and then a couple of years into my new relationship (now getting married next year) both kids have said they love seeing me so happy and the affection between me & my fiancée. They also told me there is not much affection between their dad and his new partner and that makes them sad, one actually said dad will never learn will he? Sadly I don’t think he will even though it was a huge issue with us caused by him.

I definitely think you need some counselling.

In terms of your DD, my personal perspective is that my parents pretty much hated each other growing up and I lived in an atmosphere of tension. It has created a lot of anxiety in me but in terms of affection, it made me want to have a marriage that is full of affection. So I sought out a DH that was loving, honest, warm and affectionate and we have a great marriage. My DC are also covered in love and affection. So I've kind of deliberately gone the other way from the childhood I had. It does make me sad though that I grew up in an atmosphere without love and affection. I feel jealous of the childhood my DC have!

I feel a bit like this but my kids are 3 and 5. When you hardly have any time to yourself and there’s a perceived imbalance between who’s doing what, I think it’s absolutely normal that you’d want to preserve a bit of personal space and perhaps feel some resentment that spills out into daily life. Not saying I have any answers but I do get it. I’m just biding my time for a bit until they’re a bit older and hope that the pressure lifts. In the meantime I’m just monitoring to make sure things don’t get any worse and try to cuddle him when I’ve got the time and energy! I think what you’re feeling is normal, and especially for women who do generally bear the brunt. This being Mumsnet, I sure someone will be along to tell us we should’ve picked better partners but I don’t have time for such unhelpful and simplistic judgements so I’m just going to say, please be selective about what advice you take to heart and I hope things get better for you one way or the other! X

I grew up with my mum as a single parent. She never had a relationship duringmy childhood. Therefore the only relationship I witnessed was between my mum and dad and I don't remember it as I was very young when they split. I still know what a healthy and affection relationship looks like. It hasn't negatively impacted my relationships not ever seeing one.
Me and my dh are affectionate and we make an effort to model good reasoning and conflict resolution skills to our dc. I think if you get on fine but are more like friends who don't kiss and cuddle then this is ok. If its tension and arguments then this is more likely to affect dc negatively.

I just want to show her a healthy, loving relationship and don’t know if I can

Speak to him. If you're both unhappy, where do you go from here?