To struggle with festivities and infertility.

[Hop27]

Halloween at the weekend had me in floods of tears, trying to be a good neighbour putting up decorations and have treats for the kids that came trick or treating. DH caught me sobbing into the pumpkin bucket as I refilled it with sweets and now I'm faced with the agony of Christmas - which I used to love. It's the same at Easter.....
DH and I have been unable to have kids, (he has DS) and have basically called time on us seeking any more after I tried to kill myself.
Do I now have to accept that big occasions will now always be tinted by sadness or will it get easier?

No words will make this easier. What lead you to try and kill yourself? Was it the infertility or an underlying mental health condition?

I hear you. The little faces make my heart shatter. So I went away overnight for Halloween and didn’t face it…at Easter we’ll do to the pub on the Sunday as we can because we have no kids and no work the next day. Christmas is just a day with a roast for me.

That sounds so hard OP. I'm sorry.

Are you having counselling to help you come to terms with it?

My understanding from friends and family who have gone through the same is that it does get better in time. I hope that's true for you.

I kind of pushed the emotions to one side for the first few years, after finding out I wouldn't be able to have children.

It became harder when my siblings had their children. Seeing my 'niblings' grow up together has been harder than I expected, because I can't help but imagine what it would be like if my own children were part of their little gang.

I still enjoy events like Christmas but yes, I think they'll always have a little tinge of 'what if...' about them.

How recently did you decide to call time on trying? If that’s still quite a new decision I expect things are feeling very raw and hard. Hopefully with some time and space to decide the direction your life is going to take instead, it will be easier and less painful

Oh op that is awful, and you are kind to decorate and buy sweets anyway but maybe that isn’t best for you?
In your position I wouldn’t be doing anything kiddy based unless it is for dss. Halloween should be a cool adult cocktail party. Christmas should be spent overseas if you can afford it, or again adult only dinner party when you haven’t got dss. It should be about romance and fun now, as you have to find a way to be happy again. You may always long for a child, but you do have one gift that is even more precious: your own life.

Put together a bucket list of things you have always wanted to do, and start building it into your life. Don’t feel obligated to go along with kids stuff protect yourself, make it a time for you and dh.
I am so sorry this hurts so much, but try and count your blessings and make the future something tk feel excited about.

You need to protect yourself OP - putting out pumpkins so that kids would call perhaps not such a good thing, but I do realise it is difficult if you have a DSS. I agree with a pp that Roman e and adult fun is the way to go. I am further down this road than you and I promise it gets easier. Take care of yourself and wishing you all the best.

I think that you should look into a seeing a counsellor or therapist to work through your feelings. I pushed it down for years, and it’s not good for you. I lost friends and distanced myself from family because I couldn’t be around their children.

After therapy I felt able to reclaim my life and because a mum at 40 through adoption.

I really feel for your OP. When we struggled with infertility I could not do Christmas at all. It was so painful seeing my nieces and nephews and friends' children enjoying it. I just withdrew completely from family stuff and as others have said, threw myself into adult-centric celebrations. I wanted to go on a luxury holiday over Christmas one year just to be away from everything and everyone.

I hope you find some peace

I tried to kill myself after my last round failed, at the same time DSS took a particular dislike to me and I wasn't welcome in my own home. We decided a few months ago, so yes it's still raw. Been in and out of therapy through out ivf journey and I've never found it overly helpful.
Generally we have a low key Christmas, but my friends all have kids and want to socialise or we travel home to the uk, where we spend the whole trip seeing everyone and their kids. I'm realising a lot of families are very selfish and not very sensitive. On the outside it looks like I picked my career over kids, so most feel happy to shove their kids in my face without caution. Yes agree the pumpkin was a bad idea, but didn't want to be the grinch of the street!

Aww love ...please try and find more therapy to help you through this. Keep talking.
Christmas, Easter etc aren't just about children..its about everyone you included. Don't neglect yourself and partners relationship plan couple stuff.

Oh OP I'm so sorry

How old are you? Infertility is hell on earth for a lot of people, you're definitely not alone. It's normal to feel sad and grieve so don't feel bad or silly about that. Please look after yourself and treat yourself. It sounds like you feel the joy in Halloween, Christmas etc but it's overshadowed at the moment which is completely understandable. You need to be kind to yourself especially and it's been a real rough few months and in time hopefully some more of the joy will start to shine through in these things again. If they're too hard for you at the moment then it's fine to take a step back. If you're already in therapy have you also been discussing things your GP? Medication might be something to consider if you're going through a particularly bad time and struggling to get out of it.

I'm just so sorry OP I know how devastating infertility can be