To not want to travel to them again

[Krystalcastles]

It’s a group of old schoolfriends, we always seem to have to meet up where it’s convenient for one of them in particular.

The most she has to travel is a ten minute drive, I don’t drive and it’s over an hour each way once everything is factored in.

It’s her and 2 other friends. I saw her in May and we met at a place convenient for her. In September we met literally on her doorstep.

Now there’s talk of meeting next Sunday, and lo and behold it’ll be in a place that’s very convenient for the 2 others, yet another hour plus each way for me.

I wouldn’t mind if they had been here once or twice but they haven’t. I even said as a friendly suggestion that it’d be great to do something over here as I live in a big city with plenty going on, but nobody replied to that funnily.

I’m sick of it always having to be at their convenience, aibu to say I’m not going ?

Just to be clear I wouldn’t be doing that volume of travelling for friends that ignored my invitations!

@Krystalcastles

It’s not petty, it’s also not an hour’s drive as I don’t drive, it’s different buses and trains to get there. It’s very easy to say when you aren’t the person having to travel every single time and it’s 5 minutes away for them

How long would it take if you did drive though?

When you say it's five minutes, do you mean it is 5-10 minutes for the other three and an hour for you because you live further away and do not drive, or it is five minutes for one person and an hour for you and the other two?

@Krystalcastles

I think me saying that it would be great to do something in my area for once would be enough of a hint but they still ignored it and went ahead.

Stop hinting and just organise something. Or tell them - if they don’t live in your area and don’t do the journey they probably have no idea it takes you so long.

Even driving would take around an hour depending on traffic , I am 20 miles away and they are 5 or under.
Anyway I have written them a clear message in which I say that I have been to those areas the last several times, and so it would be great if they could come closer to me as it can take up to 1h30 each way.
No replies as of yet, if I don’t get any then I’ll have my answer

Do they know your area? People can be really odd about this. I mentioned the possibility of moving to a village about 20 minutes drive away and my SIL was genuinely amazed at my boldness.

If they all live nearer their preferred location I’m doubtful you’ll get them travelling to you unless it’s a one off ‘expedition’.

I’d just dip in and out in your situation,it’s a bit crap but it’s unlikely to change.

Yeah I live near a very large city, they know they could park at mine, I genuinely think they just can’t be bothered.

I’m just looking to make new friends really

Even if they don’t want to drive here they could get the train, wouldn’t kill them for once

So if they drove to you how long would it take them?

The same time, but the point is that it’s always me putting myself out there and doing the longer journey and not them

There is an imbalance in the friendship group, and at your expense.
I’d be making new friends regardless as I believe equitable and balanced relationships are the way to go, and doesn’t erode away at self esteem and value.

I haven’t got many close friendships sadly, it’s likely my own doing. I’d love to make some more, I always think if I didn’t have my partner and my parents then I’d be alone

I would be blunt & tell them 'no, I'm not coming. It's too far for me to travel everytime' See what they do.

Whilst you are investing time into your old friendships you could be at a book club/quiz night or invite nice neighbours over for dinner. What I mean is the easiest way of making new friends is to stop investing time in the old ones that do not value your time or effort. You don’t need to end the friendships, just quietly without a word leave them on the back burner and make a plan for new friends. You can keep the old ones, but stop travelling there for a bit and see if they make an effort?
I suspect they know you rely on them, so are in a position of power to do things their terms.
A change is needed to shrug off the insecurity, you only need a few local friends to transform your social life and to have some confidence to put both arrows on your time/travelling/investment

**Boundaries on time/travelling/investment

I agree it’s an imbalance but I can see it from their POV too. If it’s an hour travelling to you (and an hour back) then it’s majority convenience rules. I think it’ll be quite a hard sell to get three people to do that journey for a meal.

Is there no where midway that you could try and arrange to meet them? If not I agree that you need to invest more energy in building a social circle where you are and cut down on the amount of invitations you accept with this particular group. I appreciate it can be hard building a new social circle as an adult though, does your workplace provide much opportunity for meeting people?

I agree if all three come from the same area I doubt they will come to you.

@Krystalcastles

I’ve just told them in an honest but polite way. Will it be well received or make any difference? Who knows

Well done for saying something direct. People aren’t mind readers and they may just be really shit at picking up hints.

How did you word it?