To think I’ve really made a mess of my life

[Berightback23]

Don’t really know where to begin but just feel like I’ve made such a mess of everything...
At school I was an overachiever, got a place at ox bridge which I ended up not taking up. Still went to another top uni which didn’t enjoy and haven’t used my degree. I’ve flitted from idea to idea of what to do and now have ended up doing nothing except some part time work self employed. I married someone I shouldn’t have, rushed into it to escape an abusive father. My dh is controlling and emotionally unavailable most of the time. I feel so alone. Had a baby I wasn’t ready to have and now feel completely trapped. I feel like there’s no way out. I feel like my dh isn’t there for me at all. I. Feel like my life is going nowhere and I’d be better off not being here. It just feels like I’m never going to be ok.

Hi OP. You will be okay. You're smart and resilient HOWEVER if you're with someone who doesn't care for you and you feel trapped it will feel so much worse.

Are you married? Can you seek a divorce? Find a place to stay? Start brainstorming steps to change all the things that make you unhappy and then order them in priority.

We're here to be your cheerleaders. We're here if you just want to talk it through. You can do this.

Sorry saw that you're married. Do you both own a home?

How old is your baby? You sound depressed and I'm wondering if it's PND. The first thing I'd suggest is that you try to see your GP. Then counselling might help you to see that you do have options. Your child doesn't trap you. You can still do whatever you want. It will just take a bit more planning.
If your DH is abusive then you don't need to stay with him. Think about where you'd like to be in 5 years time and then you can work out a way to get there. As a PP said, we can help

I think most of us go through spells in our life where we feel like we've made a pig's ear of things OP, but it's what you do next that counts. I think the first thing you should do, is go and have a chat with your GP, as you obviously can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, which seems to indicate that you are depressed/suffering from PND. See what help/advice you are given, and if that doesn't help, then come back to MN, there is lots of support on here for women in your situation.

She’s just turning one. I own the house. Feel like I can’t go through with divorce. I referred myself for therapy but only got offered a group course online which I can’t do because of having to look after baby..
Thank you fir your support

Why do you feel like you can't go through with divorce? If your relationship is miserable, why do you feel you can't end it?

If you had a friend who owned a house and confided in you that she was unhappy in her marriage and her husband was controlling her, would you say “I know you feel terribly unhappy with your life but I don’t feel like you should divorce him, I think you should stay married and put up with it”? If not, then why do you feel you don’t deserve the same?

Can relate totally. Sometimes its like a curse or jinx in life. I dont wish to go into all my details but lets just say its a total shambles. Made a right pig's ear of everything.