To prefer to share my thoughts with people who aren't my mum

[needtoread]

I am 22, living at home (with my mum and 21 year old sibling) as I am doing a master's and working part time. My relationship with my mum is generally good, we get on well and I know she loves me. However growing up I never really had much contact with wider family such as aunts or uncles or cousins, I did see my mum's parents but we weren't super close. My mum is very introverted and although I remember her sporadically having a friend or two over the years, she always lost contact with them and mostly kept to herself.
This has meant that I've grown up not having much of a support system of adults beyond my mum. She has experienced some difficult things during her childhood and adult life, and even though I know she has always, and will always, wanted to do her absolute best for me, she's maybe not the most emotionally healthy person. In the last three or four years I've been trying to become more confident in myself and grow emotionally to be an individual separate from her. In particular, I have been lucky enough to get to know a couple of older mentors who have been instrumental in my journey to achieve what I have done so far. There is one person specifically that I really trust and can open up to because I feel that she "gets" me.
However, recently there has been some friction between me and my mum because she worries that I'm talking about her to my mentor. She says that if I have a problem with her, I should come to her directly, not talk about it to someone else. I find this hurtful because I feel that my mum should know that I'm not the sort of person who would talk negatively about anyone, let alone my mum, behind their back. I think my mum feels that I don't really open up to her and she says that sometimes it's like coming up against a brick wall with me.
When I talk to my mentor, I'm not talking about my mum behind her back. We talk about many things, and sometimes my mum does come up in the conversation. But I'm not slagging her off, just being honest with my mentor about how despite the many great things that my mum did for me, there are of course some things that have affected me negatively too because no parent is perfect. I don't particularly want to open up to my mum and tell her really deep things (not just about her - about my feelings, personal thoughts etc), because I'm nearly 23 and I feel like there are some things that I need some space from my mum in. But sometimes she makes me feel like I'm wrong to want to talk to someone else and not to her about it. I don't want to hurt my mum, but I also feel I need to have my own life as an adult and build relationships with wise older people apart from her. It's making me second guess myself with regard to opening up to anyone (and tbh for me opening up is an achievement in itself). AIBU to prioritise sharing honestly with people other than my mum?

Sounds like you need to work towards moving out.
You need to grow and explore outside of your home.

I'm not sure what context 'mentor' is in here - do you mean a work mentor (in which case it's strange to talk about your mum) or a life coach, therapist or something else? Regardless, I'd stop telling your mum you're talking to a mentor at all tbh. As an adult it's up to you how much information you share with your mum (within reason given that you live in her house, i.e. telling her when you'll be in/out, stuff to do with board etc).

If you are seeking out other people a generation or more older than you for friendship it probably does appear to your DM that you are trying to replace her in that role.
It's easy for me to say that with loads of aunties though. I understand the value of a good relationship with older and wiser heads, and more casual relationships are easier.
I don't know if you perceive your DM as not able for the pressure you relying on her would bring or if you think anything you say about yourself will be turned around and viewed through a how does it affect her lens.
But either way she doesn't own you and you can make friends with whoever you want.
PP is right though, it's probably time for you to move out. It's much easier to maintain a good adult relationship from your own space.

Financially moving out isn't an option right now - though obviously long term that's what I'd be working towards. Just not sure whether I'm justified in feeling guilty about choosing to talk to to someone else before my mum. By 'mentor' I mean that I volunteer in a community group and I happened to click really well with another older volunteer, and we became friends. I look up to her because she's a good bit older than me so she's played a sort of 'giving advice' role for me too.

Why are you telling your mother that you’re talking to someone else? I absolutely agree with pps who say you need to prioritise moving out.

Ultimately, your mother is doing you a favour by letting you live at home and presumably subsidising your living costs to allow you to study. I think you need to bear that in mind.

But you are talking about your Mum.
I'm sorry but somehow from your post I get the impression you think you're too good for your mum and you're succeeding in life despite your family/upbringing and all that.
Sounds like you're using Mum until you can move on up to better things.

Imagine your mum started talking to my daughter (24) and started telling her how talented, hard working and attractive she was and how you were lacking in some areas.
How would that make you feel? Would you be happy your mum was chatting to my daughter and had recognised her good points?
Or would you feel a tiny bit upset like you weren’t good enough?

I don't think it's appropriate to be sharing private information about your mum with someone if she's indicated she's uncomfortable with it.

It sounds like your relationship with your Mum is similar to the one I have with mine OP so I understand what you're saying and how you are feeling. I think there is nothing wrong with you having another 'mentor' your life, it sounds as if the relationship is akin to if you had an auntie or grandmother you were particularly close to which can only be positive, you are allowed to ask for and take advice from people other than your DM. However, I personally would be careful about talking about your Mum in that way with this person as it seems they are a similar age/and role in your life as your Mum so that would feel quite disloyal to me.

Is the older volunteer you are sharing a lot of person information with volunteering in the same community your mother lives in? It just strikes me that you seem to be giving her some quasi-official status by calling her your 'mentor' and stressing her age and wisdom (from your POV), but from your mother's it could well look as if you are just blabbing about her/family dynamics to gossipy Betty from number 50.

@Bathtoy

Ultimately, your mother is doing you a favour by letting you live at home and presumably subsidising your living costs to allow you to study. I think you need to bear that in mind.

That does not mean the OPs mum is entitled to expect to her sole confidant and know her every waking thought.

OP I am twice your age and although my mum is different from yours in that she was quite sociable when I was younger, she also has some fairly major issues from her childhood which have impacted our relationship and also my own choices when I was in my late teens and early twenties.

You are absolutely entitled to have your own friends and confide in them as you wish. Maybe don't mention it so much to your mum...you can still be reassuring to her and mindful of her feelings whilst maintaining independent friendships, which it sound like you are anyway.

My mum didn't want me to talk about what happened at home and with her. She had serious mental health problems and was abusive. I'm not saying this is the same situation with you, but being discouraged from talking about your experiences is a red flag to me. I'm the opposite with my DC - I want them to feel able to talk openly if they need/want to as there is nothing to hide and I want them to feel free to seek advice/support if they feel they need it.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum. I rarely go to her for any form of emotional conversation. She is OK with general chit chit and will happily throw money at a problem as her way of dealing with it. But if I want emotional support or someone to listen, she is absolutely no use whatsoever.

I talk to other people. What I don't do is tell my mum I'm talking to those other people. Because that does make it sound like I'm bitching about her behind her back.

I also wonder if your mum is quite introverted and you both spend a lot of time together, how healthy is your relationship with her? Are the boundaries a bit blurred? Does she think of you as friends and perhaps confide a bit too much in you? When I was in my early 20s and still living at home, I rarely spent much time with my mum. We were both out in the evenings after work and would probably sit down properly together once a week.

Oh my god so many PPs don't get it. You have no need to feel guilty OP, and it's lovely you've found someone you can confide in and seek advice from. It sounds like your mum is both massively insecure, and trying to make you into a friend as she doesn't have any of her own. Mine is similar, and I have to keep my boundaries. You're doing nothing wrong, keep your friend, and probably stop mentioning them to your mum, as she's shown she can't handle it

That does not mean the OPs mum is entitled to expect to her sole confidant and know her every waking thought

Absolutely not, but it's worth bearing in mind that while all the admiration in the OP's post is directed at her wise older 'mentor' who 'gets her', the OP's mother, regardless of whether she's emotionally healthy or not, is in fact the one helpiing her in a very substantial way by letting her live at home so she can do her master's degree.

I don't not sympathise, OP your mother doesn't sound unlike mine, (mine has no friends, is a chronic people-pleaser with the weirdest ideas about friendships, and I definitely needed to grow away from her in my later teens) but a bit of tact wouldn't go amiss, if it is absolutely not possible for you to move out. But this kind of growth away from your parents is exactly why moving away from home is needed.

Just to make it clear. I do love my mum. She has learning difficulties that make it difficult for her to empathise with people and she likes to control every situation. Which is why she is no good at emotional support.

Is your mums real issue that you're telling someone else things about her? You say your mums has her own challenges and it's understandable she wouldn't details shared with someone else.

It's odd you're calling this other person a mentor when it sounds like it's just someone you happen to know and want to talk to. A mentor is quite a complex role to take on, rather than just someone you've decided you like, it's useful to be aware of what you're sharing and set boundaries- how does this person feel about you offloading? Is it a two way friendship?

@Bathtoy

Why are you telling your mother that you’re talking to someone else? I absolutely agree with pps who say you need to prioritise moving out.

Yes why are you?

Tbh you sound like you're using a few people to get to your goal. You sound as if you think you're better than your mother, but don't want to seperate yourself from the parental teat just yet as an adult should. 'mentors' which make you sound pompous and they're in a box for you to tap into as a resource.

You can have as many friends as you want. Just be mindful of rubbing your mother's nose in it.

Friendships go both ways. You don't just use people to offload on and get advice from. It sounds as if you have a wee bit of growing up to do. Moving out will help with that.

Your opinion of your Mum, is none of her business. You're a grown adult, and if you need to talk about her then you should do so. As you said, you're not 'slagging her off' simply exploring yourself, your thoughts and feelings and this will obviously contain thoughts and feelings about your Mum.

In your shoes I'd not be telling your mum about the conversations you have with other people

a bit of tact wouldn't go amiss

This. Of course it's fine to have friends/mentors of whatever age and chat about anything you want. But your mum has said this bothers her a little so do her the favour of not mentioning it. No need to lie, just don't go on about how this amazing person has helped you so much, is so smart, etc. It's like a platonic version of mentionitis.