Need perspective...

[LiJo2015]

I need perspective... Will keep brief as typing one handed as baby finally naps.

House full of covid so emotional reserve less.

I feel I do everything in the house, look after kids, house, husband, my own life, social calendar...

Husband - works full time, generally does no housework unless asked (very laid back and generally happy to do whatever I ask him to do). We have a 12 year old and 15 month old and I am very aware of the mental workload which is constant. I study part time and a SAHM.

So... Am I overthinking this? My head feels blurry but I am acutely aware how much I do for everyone else and now I feel awful, I feel a bit pissed off.

So aibu? I'm a SAHM so of course the rest is my job and my husband is easy going?

ANBU - some redelegation of tasks needs to happen

YANBU
Husband needs to know staying at home with a toddler is not the same as not working. He gets time off , you don't.
Also 12 year old can help.

@JSL52

I know I don't use my older son as much as I should. I need to rethink this one.

@JSL52

I also know my husband wouldn't disagree with this

Go back to full time work. i did when we had babies. I ended up earning 10x what the husband did and you can get you bottom dollar with that balance men do loads at home!

@Xenia I need to complete my training first. Just under 2 years left

Good luck with the training. Even when my mother stopped work and our father worked full time as a doctor he did a lot of domestic stuff at weekends, came home for lunch every day (all his life) and also did almost all the night feeds (bottle feeding once I stopped breastfeeding) so if he could do that in the 1960s I don't see why men today cannot be equal and fair at home. I think we were helped that my mother's mother was widowed aged 30 with a tiny baby so was independent all her life and her mother was widowed twice so we had all those women who did not stand for any nonsense from men and kept their families too.

I've been on both sides of this. Was a SAHM for a couple of years with 2 small children and started studying for my degree at that time. DH was main breadwinner. Now I work FT and earn more than DH.

I thought (and still think) that when I didn't work outside of the home, the 'housekeeping' was my job. Cleaning, washing, planning, shopping, wife work, mental load - all was mine. I think that's entirely fair.

However, when DH was home from work, the evening work was split 50:50 - after-dinner tidy-up, bathtime, bedtime routine etc.

Now that I work FT, we split most things 50:50. I do outsource some things, mind you, like ironing, cleaning, etc so there's less to split.

It's difficult being at home with toddlers and it's difficult being the only one working and having full responsibility for the family financially; they are difficult in different ways.

Yours sound fair to me based on your current circumstances

I agree with PP - being a SAHM is not ‘not working’. I felt a bit like this a while ago. It’s a 50/50 split with us as we both work part time but I ended up feeling exhausted. DH would talk about my ‘days off’ and I kept wondering why I was so tired when I did have ‘days off’ each week. I then realised my ‘days off’ were hard work. I didn’t stop. I also carried all the mental load. We have worked on it.

Think about the hours spent working and time spent relaxing. Who has the most time that is actually off. Who is holding on to the mental load. If you are having to ask him to do things, the chances are it’s you.

If your husband is perfectly happy to do stuff when asked, just doesn't think of doing things himself, then I'd suggest "assigning" him regular tasks. I'm thinking of things like - can he be responsible for bath/bedtime for the toddler? Can he take and pick up the 12 year old from evening clubs? Can he cook on Wednesdays?
Yes, you have the mental load of working out what he has to do to start with, but then you can entirely pass these jobs over to him so don't have to think about them any more.

Thank you to everyone who replied - some really good advice.