to think that abusive people get contact with their children far too easily?

[Idessa]

I think we have such a low threshold for allowing abusive people, usually men but not always, to have access with their children. Family courts are a mess and scared to say 'no contact'. My ex is abusive, has abused both me and our son, sexual abuse, physical, racism, emotional abuse etc, and he's still being considered for contact. The courts think a 6 month that he can lie his way through will cure him of a lifetime of abusive behaviours. This happens so, so often. Why is it like this? Why are judges so weak to say no to contact? I don't know what to do anymore and I know of so many people who feel similar.

• a 6 month course

I feel like my life is being ruined and my son's being damaged in the process....

It's not about being scared to sat no but due to balancing how detrimental not having any contact at all is for the children. Neither situation is good so it's a balancing act, one they don't always get right. No contact should be a very last resort.

I should also add that there is a no contact order regarding my children and their father so I've been through it first hand.

It's difficult because generally there seem to be one of two scenarios, either the father isn't interested in seeing the child or he struggles to get the amount of access he wants. So it's hard for judges to rule that one can't have access at all if he wants it. It's also very easy for the mother to exaggerate abuse claims or fabricate them altogether, so courts tend to only take into account substantiated claims (eg convictions) rather than "he said/she said". Has he been convicted for the "sexual abuse, physical, racism, emotional abuse etc"? If so what sentence did he get - usually parents who sexually or physically abuse their children will be sent to prison if convicted. Harder to prove with racist or emotional abuse of course.

@Bingbong21

I should also add that there is a no contact order regarding my children and their father so I've been through it first hand.

I've been in court for over 2 years now and it's killing me. I've had to get another non molestation order (6 months ago) as he's still being abusive. He's abused his ex partners. The courts just don't care. I'm so tired and constantly fearing he will follow through on his threat to kill me.

@HarrietsChariot

It's difficult because generally there seem to be one of two scenarios, either the father isn't interested in seeing the child or he struggles to get the amount of access he wants. So it's hard for judges to rule that one can't have access at all if he wants it. It's also very easy for the mother to exaggerate abuse claims or fabricate them altogether, so courts tend to only take into account substantiated claims (eg convictions) rather than "he said/she said". Has he been convicted for the "sexual abuse, physical, racism, emotional abuse etc"? If so what sentence did he get - usually parents who sexually or physically abuse their children will be sent to prison if convicted. Harder to prove with racist or emotional abuse of course.

We had a fact finding hearing where he was found guilty of racial abuse, handling our tiny baby roughly, emotional abuse, coercive control, endangerment of our child through refusing medical treatment. Sexual abuse wasn't found but was accepted in findings that due to coercive control it is clear I may have been scared to say no. I know family courts are different to criminal but the findings are still there.

This is awful and I’m so sorry you’re doing through this. I have nothing useful to offer in terms of advice, but completely agree with you. This is court-sanctioned abuse!

@Greenmarmalade

This is awful and I’m so sorry you’re doing through this. I have nothing useful to offer in terms of advice, but completely agree with you. This is court-sanctioned abuse!

It's just horrible. I do equally agree that abuse can be exaggerated and it's extremely difficult when there is no proof or any findings of any kind.

OP the problem is that there are people who are completely and utterly abusive to their partners but will never touch their children.

I didn't know this until I lived next to one for years.

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

I’d one abusive parent who I stayed with and another abusive parent who disappeared from my life. Both the abuse and the abandonment fucked me up in different ways. And how the abuse and abandonment interacted in my worldview got very complicated.

If I’d be able to have supervised contact with the one who abandoned me it would probably have fucked me up a bit less. Especially if it has come with some psychological or emotional support for me. Possibly some education on parenting for both parents.

The courts and just society generally really don’t handle these types of situations well.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this OP

I don't understand it either. Personally I think it's better for a child to have an absent parent than an abusive one.

@RedMarauder

OP the problem is that there are people who are completely and utterly abusive to their partners but will never touch their children.

I didn't know this until I lived next to one for years.

I completely agree, but abuse of a parent in front of a child is abusive towards the child. Equally he has been found to be abusive towards us both.

The thing is though, that it IS abusive to children to see their mother being abused, or even to be aware that it happens. It will probably mess them up emotionally.

Courts /judges currently don't seem able to see this though.

My exh wore a suit and talked posh. He had the upper hand because I had cheated.. He convinced the dc I was a prostitute!! He spent so much time alienating the dc he neglected them. As in no food. No gas on.
They went nc with him.

Judge thought he was the fucking bees knees.

I feel like I have nowhere to turn.

I spent just short of 18 months going through family courts. The judge initially ordered EOW unsupervised, then it went to a supported contact centre and finally after much pushing from CAFCASS supervised. There was DV & alcoholism in the mix, he denied it, his partner denied it. CAFCASS saw through all the lies and were amazing. Came to a head last year when I had a call from social services telling me in no circumstances should I let her see him at all. Turned out his partner had got a non mol against him because of the DA. I made CAFCASS and my solicitor aware and it went no contact at the next hearing. 7 days after the hearing he died from alcohol related illnesses. The biggest relief ever, knowing he could never hurt me or my daughter again.

The judge was always "it's about what is fair to the child", it isn't fair if my child is constantly questioned about my every move or told off by him for talking about me.

Its because cafcass are completely overwhelmed and can't do their job properly and I totally agree it is unacceptable

Senior Cafcass officer (also's dc's legal guardian) admitted on the stand (final hearing after 4 years) that his ENTIRE report was based on facts he got from exh. Luckily my barrister was able to prove this..
Exh lost his case..
Meanwhile I was dealing with ptsd symptoms.
And had literally been a mess for 4 years...

It's horrific, it does seem that no matter what almost contact with the father is priority no matter what emotional damage it does to the child and mother. So many men use the courts to continue to abuse and control. A friend had pictures of bruises, burns and scratches on a child and the judge said it was wrong that she took photos.