Will the Uni mention my DD's weight loss

[loveyoutothedayidie]

My DD who is at uni has very sadly lost a close friend of hers which has caused my DD to lose her appetite due to grief and my DD has lost around 20 pounds in a space of a month. DD is worried that her uni lecturer's will talk to her about her weight as she does look gaunt and very thin at the moment. DD knows she needs to put weight on and she's underweight at the moment.

20lb in one month is a huge amount, is she eating anything at all? It's very difficult for someone already slim to lose anything like so much so I would expect people will notice.

Ps I would imagine any mention from lecturer etc would be more a general conversation to ask how she is doing and create an opportunity to signpost her to appropriate support services within the university structure - mental health and the like.

Is she eating now ? How long ago did she lose her friend?

She lost her friend a month ago, she isn't eating much now as she has no appetite

Honestly that would be the last of my worries. Are you getting her counselling etc sorted? She could probably do with a break from uni and time to grieve and get over this at home.

She needs to put on weight or Uni “mentioning it” will be the least of your worries. Has this been a coping mechanism for her before?

Forget about uni for a minute, it sounds like your daughter is seriously struggling with the grief of losing her friend.

What support can you offer/arrange for her? Could she speak to a counsellor or her GP?

Op I think you're kidding yourself a bit here. This isn't grief causing loss of appetite. This is anorexia. That's why she doesn't want uni to mention it.
Can you get her to the gp?
I would also seek some support from national organisations, there are resources for parents.

I've been in similar situations in the past. In my experience if they do ask it won't be anything that can't be deflected with a polite, "Yes, but I'm fine thank you".

If they seem like they might be persistent, a short email explaining and thanking them for their is all that's needed.

I'm so sorry for your daughter. She will come through this. In the meantime, if she can stomach high calorie foods then she should focus on those for the moment.

DD is seeing a counsellor and is trying her best now to gain weight.

Doubt it very much. From my own personal experience.

Hope your daughter gets the help she needs.

Hi. I was anorexic. I feel this is not about her lecturers noticing. I very much suspect this concern is a convoluted cry for help to you. It is a really hard thing to say to your loved ones. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s a step in the right direction. 💐x

My tutor did when I was at uni. She said they watch for it as it's one of the signs of students struggling. I lost the weight because of depression so I guess the theory worked, and would for your daughter too as it is a sign of struggling.

Admittedly my tutor didn't know what to do after asking and just suggested I got some M&S veg packs because I looked pale with it. Because all students are known for shopping at M&S.

Your poor daughter, it's an awful thing to lose a friend.

If she knows she needs to put weight on, perhaps the best thing would be for her to proactively contact whatever the university has in the way of health/well-being support. Even if it isn't getting into eating disorder territory, having someone she can check in with every week or so would be very valuable, and they can probably help with grief-counselling too. If she engages with the support services, then her lecturers won't need to get involved.

You say she is seeing a councillor, but has she seen a GP and been signposted to eating disorder support? I agree with a previous poster that she’s ash for you to help. She is saying “I am so thin now people would look at me and think I am ill”. She’s NOT coping and she needs you.

I know it’s terrifying, many of us have experienced similar. I don’t feel qualified to help but I don’t think lecturers noticing weight loss is the problem.

From my own experience of uni, nobody will mention it

Could you speak with your DD about making joint contact with the wellbeing service at her uni? If she gives them permission to share with you it might be a helpful way of checking in

No they will not approach her to check in, I don't think uni works like that.

Can you get some of those high calorie shake things in her? Might help to get some weight back on her without her needing to physically eat something?

Sounds really rough for you both, hope things look up soon

@CCC1

Hi. I was anorexic. I feel this is not about her lecturers noticing. I very much suspect this concern is a convoluted cry for help to you. It is a really hard thing to say to your loved ones. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s a step in the right direction. 💐x

My daughter was anorexic for 8 years (now recovered) including her time at univeristy and I agree with what CC1 says here

I’m a lecturer, and if she was in one of my tutor groups (as opposed to a big class) I would instigate a general chat about how she was doing. Depending on how that went I would either signpost her to support services if she opened up, or log a note on her record that I was concerned but she said all was well.

We are well set up to support students, but the student needs to “disclose” before we can refer them on to the relevant department. (Who tend to be excellent.)

I have a friend who has a friend with a daughter who went to Uni. She was always an overweight child and at the beginning of Uni she seemed to put more weight on. As time went along she started dieting for the graduation photos and then later it all got out of hand and she looked terrible.
My friend would tell me how bad she looked. You could see the curve of her spine and she appeared to stoop.
She is bulimic now and also developed a chronic health condition which she has to live with forever. The bulimia has been brushed under the carpet but it still exists.
The mother said and did nothing. I don't know if interfering helps or makes it worse, but certainly addressing the problem will bring it out into the open OP?

Speaking as a lecturer, I think it's highly unlikely any staff member would mention her weight to her directly: that would be really inappropriate. If anyone noticed and was concerned, they might possibly ask her personal tutor (or whatever equivalent her uni has) if there's anything they need to know, and this might prompt the personal tutor to check in with her gently. From personal experience, unless I have a lot of one-on-one or small-group interactions with a particular student, I'd be unlikely to notice a weight change, and if I did, I would think it was none of my business unless the student chose to inform me about it, or the student collapsed in my class (which has happened). Generally, though, it would be poor attendance or missed assessments that would trigger the uni checking in with a student.

No way she has lost that much weight as a slim person anyway JUST by not eating much due to grief.

She is asking for your help and support I totally agree.

If this were my dd I would not be messing about, I'd be going to see her ASAP and either bringing her home or or leaving until I was TOTALLY Confident the genuine cause was being properly addressed by professionals as well as dd and that she was getting full support from uni too.

It could be an Ed, which I think is the most likely explanation, I don't think grief would necessarily have triggered it I suspect it was already an issue and the grief worsened it.

But it could also be a sign of a physical illness that's going missed cos everyone around her is assuming it's due to the grief. That needs to be ruled out as that is a very significant weight loss in a short period of time. Such conditions are thankfully rare but they can happen.

She needs a thorough assessment and to be referred to the appropriate professionals depending on the identified cause

How was the counsellor found? Because also that's not a protected tote in the Uk, literally anyone can call themselves a counsellor and "treat" people - but if they haven't the knowledge or experience to deal with an Ed they could well do more harm than good.

Eds are among the more dangerous mental illnesses and it really is better to get them identified and treated ASAP.

I've known a few people with them (thankfully escaped myself so far - I have ocd with some food based thoughts which could tip that way if I weren't careful) and I've seen the harm even a qualified mh professional without real experience of Eds can do it's an incredibly tricky condition to deal with.

Do not take a "wait and see" approach with this, your daughter needs you go be with her and support her to get whatever help it is she needs.