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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be worried about my shy 3 year old?

22 replies

Lois345 · 31/10/2021 21:22

We recently went to a birthday party (nursery friend). We stayed for an hour and a bit. For the first hour, my three year old would not leave my side. Sitting on my lap for activities, holding my hand while walking from the activity area to get a piece of cake, not engaging or talking to his nursery friends. He knew c. half the kids from nursery. It was small-ish and low key. Very relaxed. We got there a little bit late, so everyone else was doing something as we arrived. It was only in the last ten min or so after getting a balloon that he started to warm a little and play with the others. He is fine at nursery. Has a group or friends as far as I know, says he is happy being there and usually says that he has had a good day. I have seen him timid or shy before at birthday parties or at the playground - everyone else will happily go down the slide, but he is scared to do so. I try to support him as much as I can, telling him that it is absolutely fine to feel shy/ not wanting to go on the slide. But I do worry about him. I want him to have a good and happy life feeling on the inside rather than the outside of friendship groups. Anyone with similar experiences? Advice? Happy endings? AIBU to be worried?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lois345 · 31/10/2021 21:24

Just to add, we moved to a new city just before lockdown. While we had good friends with kids where we were before, the move and lockdown meant that he has just been with us for long periods of time. He is used to adults and does not act shy with them. It seems to be his peers that are the issue.

OP posts:

nanbread · 31/10/2021 21:24

I think this is quite normal at this age.

I went to a 6th birthday party a few weeks ago and there were a handful of kids there who did the same.

Amammai · 31/10/2021 21:28

My DS was exactly like this. Confident at home and in childcare but then really shy and clingy at soft play, parties etc even with friends we knew. He’s gradually got more confident now to go off without me in these situations but it’s taken until he’s 4.

WisestIsShe · 31/10/2021 21:29

I think that's definitely normal in a new environment, particularly if it's a bit noisy and there's a lot going on.

TotallySuper · 31/10/2021 21:31

Nothing to worry about he'll warm up eventually, he's still so little and learning.

squeakyheart · 31/10/2021 21:32

Mine was the same and is at 7 still shy and slow to come round in new places/big groups. However she's recently started two clubs and has a group of friends that she is very outgoing and friendly with so I have no worries about her. It will get better especially once at school but I would advise trying to spend time with in a small group with any kids that he would be at school with. Mine didn't know anyone on her first day and that was really tough but she survived!

mynameiscalypso · 31/10/2021 21:34

My DS is slightly younger but has definitely started doing this in the last couple of months. It's worse if I'm there; he's actually much better if I leave him (but obviously that's not possible in some circumstances!). It's like he needs the reassurance that I'm there. Even when something does interest him for a moment, he's straight back to me or runs over to give me a hug and it's like he's checking I'm still there. I'm just going with it.

Maryjane3227 · 31/10/2021 21:54

Things like this make us as mums feel anxious. But once your son is older, you will realise that it's just normal. He might cry in reception sometimes when you drop him off too (as will other classmates of his), be shy at clubs or parties. My oldest was, he didnt like running into the middle of a dance floor, or playing football with big groups of kids.
Fast forward to age 13, he's thriving.

Some of us aren't extrovert, and it's all OK. I promise you it will not make him less able to survive.

Original poster

Lois345 · 31/10/2021 22:15

Thanks so much everyone for your reassurance. I really appreciate you comments. @Maryjane3227 your comment on how it is okay to be introvert really hit home - thank you

OP posts:

maresedotes · 01/11/2021 12:07

DD2 was the same and it took her a while to get used to others at a party. I used to make sure that we got to a party slightly early/on time because walking in when things were in full swing seemed to make her worse.

She's 14 now and very confident.

LuaDipa · 01/11/2021 12:40

My ds was like this, and I met one of my best friends as a result. Her little one was exactly the same and we spent years stranded at kids parties in the pass the parcel circle with our dc surgically attached to us! Those kids are 15/16 now and so busy with their mates that we don’t see them for dust. I almost miss the clingy days! They will grow out of it.

naughtyfurballs · 01/11/2021 12:55

DD was like that at 3. One thing that helped her was to arrive slightly early, so she could get used to the environment before it was full of people.

Another thing that still helps DD is a clear understanding of what's happening - where she's going, who else will be there, will it be a private event or will there be members of the public (e.g. at a soft play birthday party), what will she be expected to do, will strangers talk to her etc.

CandyflossKid · 01/11/2021 13:02

I work with under 5's - a lot of children seem to behave like that in front of their parents

Halloweencat · 01/11/2021 13:02

You could have written this about my grandson. He was just like this at 3. Same mates at a party as he had at the childminder, but he was so clingy at the party and would not join in until the last half hour. I too was secretly worried about him, but couldn't have been more wrong.
Fast forward to beginning of Sept 2021, when he started school at the age of 4 & half. He went into reception class on his first day & never even looked back or looked remotely sad/clingy.
He loves going to school & went mardy when he had to go back to the childminders for half term 🤣 And its a good sign that he eventually warms up at the party, I'm sure he will be fine as he gains more confidence in different situations

DailyRepeatGuarantee · 01/11/2021 13:09

I think the getting there later than everyone else doesn't help. I hated this as a kid. Everyone was already settled, or had clicked with others and I felt awkward halving to then join in... What if they say no.... Went through my head. Still does which is why I get to places early ish grab a seat at a table so people have to ask me instead

Original poster

Lois345 · 01/11/2021 21:50

These are also really helpful comments. Thanks again so much everyone. I am feeling much more at ease now and I will take your advice on board - get there early - talk him through what will happen etc

OP posts:

Amazingblossoms · 01/11/2021 21:54

One of my child's classmates was like this at parties until he was about 7/8 maybe even older. His mum was one of the only ones who stayed because he would cling to her.

He's head boy at the senior school now, and a very popular young man.

CoodleMoodle · 01/11/2021 21:58

DD was a bit like this, although she was happy to do activities without me/DH/DM, including with adults she didn't know, she was terrified of other children and would freeze, or cling to us if they tried to interact. She's 7 now and is very popular, has lots of friends, etc. Can still be a bit shy with new kids but generally will make a friend at soft play and so on.

DS is 3 and is going through this a bit. He's very clingy in general and would definitely stick to me at an activity. At soft play he'll go off either on his own or with DD, but he hids from other kids. He doesn't like children, positively hates them in fact! He moves away immediately if another kid comes near him at toddler group, and at preschool he refuses to interact at all (his keyworker told me!). He's been there since Jan and will talk to/play with the staff, however. That took a little while though, as did prising him off my leg when he got there... Loves it now!

Cofifeefee · 01/11/2021 22:10

I think it's very normal at that age to be shy at a party/playdate.

Sometimes if there is a lot of chat and excitement about the party, they can get a little overwhelmed when they actually get there.

My dc keeps his family and friends very separate. If I joke about going to nursery with him, he laughs hysterically and says "Mummys aren't allowed in school, just teachers and friends". If we meet one of his friends on the way into nursery, he will get really shy while holding my hand but the second I say goodbye, he rushes over to them. I am in one world, his friends are in another - never the two shall meet

PeachesPumpkin · 01/11/2021 22:14

Embrace who he is. Some people are introverts and that’s fabulous - they have great, long lasting relationships (they are kind and sensitive) and there are many jobs require the skills introverts have.

OldScrappyAndHungry · 01/11/2021 22:15

I’m not keen on telling children it’s ok to be shy. Not because I think it’s not ok, I’m just not sure it’s very helpful. I would perhaps change your vocabulary around the issue and distract him? Just a thought.

BlueSoul · 01/11/2021 22:27

My 4 year old was very similar at a party in early September. He was very reluctant to leave my side and clung on for dear life. He then attended another one a few weeks later and I reassured him that I wasn't going to leave him. I went through all the things that would happen at the party (games, dancing, food, cake etc) and explained that we would leave together. I barely saw him at that one, he was fine!

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