Is it taking advantage if one person is drunk TW SEXUAL ASSAULT

[Fakefakefake]

Hi. Would really appreciate some thoughts on a situation that has made me feel a bit weird.

I got extremely drunk last night and (stupidly) was messaging my ex. He caught on very quickly that I was very drunk and tried to get me to send nudes / videos. Luckily I didn't. I've woken up this morning feeling really upset and a bit triggered.

There were a few times throughout our relationship where i went out with my friends and got way too drunk, and then when I came home he would have sex with me. I never remembered the sex because I was that drunk, and he was always sober. This always made me feel bad but when I tried to approach it once he said that I wanted it and that was that.

It is probably also relevant that about ten years ago I was sexually assaulted as a teen whilst passed out drunk at a party. So I am probably very sensitive about this

What are people's thoughts on having sex with someone who is extremely drunk / unable to remember whilst the other person is completely sober? Just trying to gauge if I'm overreacting

You are not overreacting. Too drunk to remember equals too drunk to consent. Too drunk to consent with completely sober partner is even more abusive. I am so sorry you have gone through this

I think in this case the turning point is that when sober you clearly communicated to him it made you uncomfy therefore he knew it wasn’t what you wanted

You cannot consent if you are that drunk you can't remember what happened the next day.

That's no judgement on you. It's judgement on your ex.

I think you need to stop drinking so much

@longcoffeebreak thank you for being the worst 👍

Thank you everyone else for your comments. It's nice to have some reassurance that how I'm feeling is valid

I think you need to delete your exes number off your phone so you can’t call him when your too drunk to remember.

@longcoffeebreak

I think you need to stop drinking so much

But isn’t that victim blaming?

No decent human would try to have sex with someone who was obviously in no fit state to consent.

@longcoffeebreak

I think you need to stop drinking so much

I agree.

Block your ex and delete the contact, he sounds awful and contact with him is only making you feel bad.

It's not right to have sex with someone extremely drunk when you're stone cold sober. Intimate relationships are full of nuance and there's so much possible grey area as to what is "right or wrong" (as well as crap that society has taught us that's difficult to unlearn), which is probably why you're doubting yourself. But ultimately, I don't think a good, honourable person would do that.

It's not victim blaming, it's taking personal responsibility. If something is making someone drink to the point of memory loss, it might be worth investigating.
I don't think you were able to give consent in these situations based on what you have said so it is totally out of order.

It's not victim blaming to suggest she take steps to keep herself away from bad people and bad situations. No one has said those people are not at fault, they are, but there are clearly drink issues at play.

So about the drinking, I don't actually drink that often.
So first time when the SA happened, I was a teenager, didn't know my limits and was stupid. Hold my hands up

I think there were about 3 incidents of getting extremely drunk whilst with my ex, it was a six year relationship. Yeah definitely got way too drunk on those occasions but it wasn't a regular thing. Like I said, only happened 3 or 4 times over 6 years

Last night I was just having a terrible night and drank too much to try and make myself feel better (obviously didn't work) again, not a good choice but also the first time I've drank in months.

Women should be able to drink as much as they want to go back to their house safely to sleep it off, not fear being had sex with.

Ignore the booze police, OP, don’t let them derail your thread.

You’re not overreacting and your ex is an abusive wanker.

You are not overreacting. Your ex sounds very slimey. Hope you are ok.

[quote Fakefakefake]@longcoffeebreak thank you for being the worst 👍[/quote]
Not saying what happened is acceptable but I'm kinda stating the obvious

Your Ex was definitely out of order doing this when you were clearly not in any state to consent OP, but I am a bit worried that you might be drinking to this degree while away from home, as obviously for many reasons it's not safe. However, if you were drinking at home then it's clearly up to you how much you have, but get rid of his number, and that of anyone else who you might take advantage if you contact them when you're out of control drunk, as nothing good ever comes from drunken phone calls. Don't ask me how I know!