Accepting drinks from random men in bars.

[Lacroix11]

I go out for drinks once every couple of months with two friends. It’s a girls night out, we’re all in relationships and not looking to hook up with anyone. We’re mid 30s.

Quite often, we are approached by men (randomers we don’t know) who will chat with us, flirt, and usually at some point offer to buy us drinks.
My gut instinct is to decline drinks (even round-buying) because while it’s harmless to chat and be friendly, accepting drinks is sending the wrong message (rightly or wrongly) that we are ‘interested’ in them.

My two friends think I am uptight and paranoid and anti-feminist. They say that there is nothing wrong with accepting drinks and so long as the men are aware we have partners (my friends are married and wear wedding rings, and they do tell the men that we have other halves) and so long as we buy drinks back, then it’s all just being friendly and social.

My opinion though is that even though they may tell these men that we are in relationships, talking with them at length (sometimes for hours) and getting into drink-buying is flirty behaviour and not really on.

What do you think?

It’s not really the point of your thread but I’m very wary of accepting drinks from strangers anyway, because of spiking risk.

Well yes I don’t disagree with you there @Bettybantz. But it’s mainly the accusation of being uptight etc that’s bothering me tonight…

Dont really know who goes on a childfree night out and wastes it talking to a load of randoms instead of prioritising catching up and having fun with friends.

I think men who approach women in bars do so on the pull. If they then spend hours talking to them its because they still hope to pull them, regardless of their relationship status. I think your friends know this full well and enjoy the attention. Which is fine, but they should be honest that this is what it is, and not pretend to you its just socialising and that you're uptight.

When I go out with friends being given a compliment or offered a drink may be flattering but i would never spend one of my few evenings off chatting with randoms.

No I wouldn't accept a drink because I don't want to have a drink or 2 rounds with them. Also because I wouldn't want my partner to do this on a night out. And as you say it is leading them on to an extent. Yanbu.

Thank you @5128gap, I agree they absolutely do enjoy the attention. I think they are rationalising it with each other, and because I am in the minority I’m the one being made to feel unreasonable.
And agree @Sally872 and @RealBecca, I’m usually bored and want to move on but they are totally absorbed talking to then men and I can’t just wander off alone. So I end up putting up with it while feeling like a party pooper.
It doesn’t happen on every night out but pretty often, maybe 50% of the time.

@5128gap

I think men who approach women in bars do so on the pull. If they then spend hours talking to them its because they still hope to pull them, regardless of their relationship status. I think your friends know this full well and enjoy the attention. Which is fine, but they should be honest that this is what it is, and not pretend to you its just socialising and that you're uptight.

☝️This

Your friends are right. Bars are full of men who buy drinks for married and coupled up women. They’re just sociable guys just out to meet like minded people for a stimulating chat.

They are trying to shut you up because they know what you’re saying is true. If they admit it they’ll have to stop and they like it.
Can you choose venues where it’s less likely to happen?

I’m a bit confused about why they think refusing drinks from randoms in bars is anti feminist.

Just how many drinks had they accepted before telling you this?

There is only one reason men buy random strange women drinks. And it ain’t to be social.

How would the women feel if their husbands were buying random women drinks on a night out?
I’m what is called on here (unfavourably) a cool wife - I’ve got no problem with either of us having friends of the opposite sex who we spend time with alone. While I’m comfortable going out for a drink with a male friend I would feel very uncomfortable accepting drinks from a man I didn’t know. It would feel not quite cheating, but disloyal to my DH . I also have no interest in spending a rare night out with friends talking to random blokes

I’d be wary of random men buying me drinks as well, especially after all this publicity of date-rape drugs, unless I was at the bar when they are brought and they were handed straight to me.

(it’s sad the world has got like this)

@Arbitan

Your friends are right. Bars are full of men who buy drinks for married and coupled up women. They’re just sociable guys just out to meet like minded people for a stimulating chat.

I’m glad you put the emoticon in there because that is literally what they would have me believe!!

And @Sn0tnose they talk about how we don’t ‘owe’ them anything by accepting a drink and that the assumption that we do is an old fashioned way of thinking (not that I think about it as owing, I just think it’s giving the wrong signals).

Letting a man you don't know buy you a drink in a bar comes with strings.

And @Sn0tnose they talk about how we don’t ‘owe’ them anything by accepting a drink and that the assumption that we do is an old fashioned way of thinking (not that I think about it as owing, I just think it’s giving the wrong signals)

Wow, that’s some stretching they’re doing. They should take up yoga.

@RealBecca

Dont really know who goes on a childfree night out and wastes it talking to a load of randoms instead of prioritising catching up and having fun with friends.

The OP literally says that she is out with friends .....

I'm shocked at the number of antisocial people here! I like chatting to new people. So do my friends. No plans to hook up with any of them, male or female. Just having an enjoyable night out with good friends and fortunately all on the same wavelength. Wouldn't accept drinks though. We just say we're buying for each other.

Yeah don't take the drinks fgs.

I mean how often di men suddenly buy you a bottle of soda in a well lit supermarket in the day time?

Notice how it's pubs and clubs in poor lighting and open glasses with alcohol that these nice generous men suddenly offer to buy you a drink?

I'm shocked at the number of antisocial people here! I like chatting to new people. So do my friends. No plans to hook up with any of them, male or female. Just having an enjoyable night out with good friends and fortunately all on the same wavelength. Wouldn't accept drinks though. We just say we're buying for each other.

Why wouldn’t you accept drinks though? I mean, if we’re just all a load of antisocial old bags, and it’s all just completely innocent, friendly chat with no expectations or hopes on either side, why wouldn’t you accept a drink from a man you’ve never met before, who has approached you in a bar?

So this happens only 3 times a year?

I agree with you. People don't spend money for free.
But if you're on a night out why chat with randoms? That would just ruin the outing for me

@Sn0tnose Because it's easier not to - no worries about sending mixed messages, no need to return the favour, can leave conversation earlier if gets boring etc etc.

@oviraptor21

And that’s the point that all of the ‘antisocial’ people on here were making, in agreement with the OP. Accepting drinks from strange men in bars and/or spending time talking to strange men in bars has the potential to send mixed messages.

I wonder how many women on here would accept their husbands flirting with other women for free drinks...

I would be horrified if my DH approached random women he didn't know in a bar to buy them drinks. Can't see how anybody would think thst was ok. Picked up in a bar. Just no.

No, I wouldn't though probably would in my teens/20s (I'm in my 50s). Now id only accept drinks from men i know eg friends, fanily, colleagues.