To want to distance myself from DM

[SarahJeffers341]

So for a very long time I’ve had issues with my Mum. She isn’t a bad person but she’s very negative. I have a 3yo DS and although she lives around the corner and only works two days a week she has never offered to look after him, she didn’t help out in the early days when I EBF and he NEVER slept and I basically really resent her for it. I ended up telling her to see if it would change things. Not only did I need some support but also I wanted her to be in DS life more and for him to be happy to spend time alone with her rather than my husband and I have no support if needed. I told her how I felt and she said didn’t realise but that she’s introverted and needs time to herself. She doesn’t have friends or hobbies and isn’t happy with her husband (my dad) but won’t leave him. She says she needs time to herself on her days off so could never commit to having DS (I never expected child care btw but just for her to want to spend time with him and us) she did then make the effort to see us more but still hasn’t wanted to see DS without us. Whilst I tried to forgive her lack of effort I still find it really hard to enjoy her company.

She is extremely negative. She is jealous of other women and as a girl growing up, both my sister and I ended up with self esteem and jealousy issues because of it. She blamed my dad but wouldn’t leave him. For example she wouldn’t watch certain tv programs if there was a semi naked woman on it as she would be too jealous if my dad was watching too. As a young girl I wondered why they always argued on beach holidays and it was because she thought he was perving on other women! I’ve got over these self esteem issues as I have a lovely caring DH who I adore and vice versa but I have found it hard .. she’s my mum and shouldn’t have made me feel like other women are a threat!

However the negativity continues and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I struggle with anxiety and depression myself and am really working on myself but I find her draining. For example.. I’ll get a text in the morning saying ‘oh look at the awful weather I bet you’re fed up?’.. mainly because she is. Or today it was ‘oh I’m so jealous of Clare (her niece).. she’s on a beach holiday… where did I go wrong in my life?’… Then the other day to my sister and I ‘you girls are beautiful, appreciate your looks as you’ll be fat and old like me one day and regret it’!!

I find this constant negative communication draining. I respond in an upbeat way ‘oh I’m taking my DS to the park we don’t care about the rain’ or ‘lucky Clare, you’ll have a nice holiday next year I'm sure’ but it literally pisses me off for the whole day! I just don’t know how to stop it bothering me! My DH told me to tell her but I just don’t know how!!

Sorry for the long message I just need some advice!!

I can totally understand why you want minimum contact. It doesn’t sound like you get much from the relationship. It’s hard though if she lives close by. I guess your options are;

Talk to her openly about it and try and weather the fall out to build a better relationship if you can. This is the nature and grown up thing to do but not everyone can handle this level of honesty and you may find it causes problems. But may be it would be no worse for you than it is now?

You could respond each time congruently: ‘that’s a very negative text mum. Please can you be mindful of what you write to me because I’m struggling to keep emotionally well’

You could just ignore any negative texts and only respond to normal texts.

You could respond with lots of empathy and see if that helps her to move past things.

You could limit contact to when you feel strongest.

It’s so hard not to get support from our parents. Try and build up support elsewhere in your life if you can.

I can relate to this OP. Sending you

Sorry you had a struggle in the early days. You seem to have a lot of built up resentment towards your mum. She has apologised, and you said she made an effort to see you and your son more - so she did try to change. It's hard when you see doting grandmothers around you but she explained that she needed time to herself - that makes her different to you it doesn't make her wrong. What about your Dad? Can he look after your son? Look into building a closer relationship between your son and his grandad. Rather than asking them to do full days, start slowly ask them to babysit for a couple of hours.

Her comments don't seem too bad - not from what you've posted here but perhaps it's had an accumulative effect over the years. Have you considered post natal depression? It seems a shame to miss out on your son's precious moments when a benign comment from your Mother makes you mad all day.

Good luck OP

In terms of my dad.. he doesn’t like children! He used to disappear into the shed when I was little to escape me! He always said I was a naughty child but my mum said he was like a child himself and didn’t know how to parent me.

I’m not so upset by the lack of effort any more as like you say, my mum has tried more. But it’s now the negativity constantly I struggle with. Those texts are the tip of the iceberg… she will text me specifically about a car accident she heard about, to tell me a strangers dog has died to tell me what an awful day she’s had because someone at works son (she doesn’t know) has broken his arm in a football accident. These are little examples… I guess it just all adds up and becomes really oppressive!

I am having therapy for my own issues (although very much related to my upbringing) I take medication and am doing things for me now but I guess I need to learn how to deal with someone else’s negativity without letting it take over my head!

@Suspiciousmind20

I can totally understand why you want minimum contact. It doesn’t sound like you get much from the relationship. It’s hard though if she lives close by. I guess your options are;

Talk to her openly about it and try and weather the fall out to build a better relationship if you can. This is the nature and grown up thing to do but not everyone can handle this level of honesty and you may find it causes problems. But may be it would be no worse for you than it is now?

You could respond each time congruently: ‘that’s a very negative text mum. Please can you be mindful of what you write to me because I’m struggling to keep emotionally well’

You could just ignore any negative texts and only respond to normal texts.

You could respond with lots of empathy and see if that helps her to move past things.

You could limit contact to when you feel strongest.

It’s so hard not to get support from our parents. Try and build up support elsewhere in your life if you can.

I can relate to this OP. Sending you

Thank you for your suggestions. I really appreciate it. I’ve suggested she has therapy many times but she seems to think it’s just how she is and very much brushed of mental health… she told me once not to go to the Dr as I don’t want ‘that’ on my records… like I should be ashamed!

I think telling her I find it very negative and damaging to my mental health might be the best way of dealing with it. I have hinted to her about a friend I have who moans a lot and she said ‘oh that’s why I don’t have friends’ which again is pretty abnormal!

I have started surrounded myself with positive people who want the best for me and who are uplifting and it has helped. Plus having me time and making my own life. I suppose I am just disappointed that she isn’t the mum I hoped she would be and needed!

The texts are negative so no wonder she puts you on a downer. You are right. What have you got to lose by telling her nicely of the effect her negativity is having on you? It sounds like she does listen and is trying but is struggling herself especially as she isn't supported by your father, she's probably tired out & resentful especially if he hid in his shed all the time when you was a child. No wonder she is resentful. He needs to step up. Good luck xxx

I think disappointment is understandable. It’s a loss. The loss of what could have been. Allow yourself that grief. It’s helped me to understand why as well. When I look at the parenting my parents had, they both have made improvements and what they managed to do for me was better than what they had. I don’t mean that we should be grateful, but just understanding why has helped it to feel less personal and hurtful. It’s still a loss though.

@Suspiciousmind20

I think disappointment is understandable. It’s a loss. The loss of what could have been. Allow yourself that grief. It’s helped me to understand why as well. When I look at the parenting my parents had, they both have made improvements and what they managed to do for me was better than what they had. I don’t mean that we should be grateful, but just understanding why has helped it to feel less personal and hurtful. It’s still a loss though.

Thanks for this. I must bare that in mind as they both had odd upbringings. I guess it’s made me even more aware of how I do not what to parent my son! I see times when I act like them and hate myself but quickly reign it in!! Thanks again x