Return to work after mat leave. Have I lost it ?

[TulipVictory]

I'm due to return to work after 11 months of mat leave. I jus feel like I don't want to go back to work. My baby is so small and I feel awful leaving her. She still breast feeds quite a bit in the day and completely refuses bottles. I have tried to work out finances and we would only be able to cover all our bills on my husbands wage. I have said I really don't want to go back but realistically I know I have to. I just hate that we live in a world where we can't afford to stay at home to raise our babies.

I've returned to work before and although slightly worried about it I've never been this bad. I cried myself to sleep last night. I just really don't want to leave her it doesn't feel natural. I do 12.5 hour shifts so I'll be up when she's asleep and she will be in bed again before I get home 😢 it's just giving me that gut wrenching sad feeling in my chest.

It’s so hard, isn’t it?

I recently went back and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I think the anticipation is the worst bit - once you’re in the routine of it, it’s ok

I found the first week the hardest, but honestly once I was back in the routine it was fine.
I class work as my break now.

If you do 12.5 hour shifts does that mean you have 4 days off with her? That’s a good balance.

How many shifts will you be doing in a week OP? Can you do part time?

I went back full time when my son was 11 weeks old. I arrived with tear stains on my top.

But, it's not nearly as bad as you think it'll be. I promise.

My son is five now, and he tells me how much he loves me and that I'm his favourite person every day. He also told me today that he's never getting married because he just wants to stay with me I hope he changes his mind!

He also told me today that he's never getting married because he just wants to stay with me I hope he changes his mind!

😂😂
Love this

I know it's so much easier said than done, and I expect I'll be shouted down as I don't have kids, but I think that if it's feeling this wrong to you then you shouldn't go back to work, or at least not now, or for full time hours or that shift pattern. Imagining that for a minute, that the decision had been made and it was a no, what would that look like? How could you and your husband make that work? Is there any possible way for you not to go back right now? Of course you would temporarily be very poor but it doesn't sound like you would mind. Maybe start thinking of it from the perspective of "how would we make this work" and have an in depth conversation with your partner. There are sometimes ways round things once you really think it through x

If you can cover all the bills on husbands wage then you have a choice to go back or not. If you really don't want to, then don't. However I would try it for a while first as you might find it not as bad as you expect.

What does your DH thinking about you going back?

I could have written your post and I’ve no idea what to do. It’s breaking my heart.

My mat leave ends mid Feb. Are you due back in the next few days/ weeks?

The responses here are really helpful. I’m hoping, like people have said, the anticipation of the whole thing is worse than the actual thing.

I Will post again if I can think of anything helpful

I had to go back to work when my son was only 4 months old. It was still exclusively breastfed, I cried so much at evenings while cleaning the pump parts and bottles. I was exausted by work, breastfeed, pump at night, clean the parts...and my baby was so tiny.

I am so glad I managed to reduce from 42 hours week to 25 hours, It made a huge difference. I still work only 3days per week. I feel so so lucky to had the possibility to work reduced time.

Is this something you can consider?

If you can only just cover the bills on your husband's income then it doesn't seem feasible for you to stay at home. But have you talked to him about what other options you might have; maybe going part-time?