Feel desperate for some affection - so sad my marriage has come to this

[QuicklyNowThen]

Been together 15 years and have 2 beautiful dc under 10.
For the most part dh is a good man he's a good dad and we share financial responsibility for everything, hes funny and does make me laugh.
But....
He can be selfish and lazy. He also says little things here and there that chip away at me like tiny little papercuts.
The main thing is the lack of any physical affection - any. No kisses, cuddles nothing. In the last 3 years we've had sex 3 times. He is simply not interested.
For openness I've gained 3-4 stone due to pstsd and a trauma that happened four years ago so it could simply be he doesn't find me attractive anymore.
I just crave make attention so much I fantasise about men being attracted to me just want that butterflies in my tummy experience again.
Just sad that this is my life at 37 years old I living like this

Bump

He's not a good man if he makes you feel like this.
What would your advise be to your daughters if they were in this situation?

Have you spoken to him openly about ho you feel?

Are you having therapy for the PTSD?

Have you actually attempted to communicate with your husband how you feel?

You need to say all this to your husband. Sometimes these things need to be discussed openly. You may also need to go to couples counselling. If he loves you he should be open to this.

Thank you all. I've spoken to husband numerous times about the lack of affection and attention and then he does a half arsed attempt which usually fizzles out after a day or so.
I've had cbt for the ptsd sadly didn't help too much but currently having emdr which I'm hopeful is helping.

When you have spoken to him have you made it clear it's a deal breaker?

Sometimes men don't realise how serious things are until you say "on a scale of importance from one to ten, this is a ten. To be clear I am considering leaving you over this."

If you say this to him, very firm and direct and he doesn't change, leave.

These days people are entitled to decline physical contact for any and no reason. To threaten him with leaving (and the inevitable consequences for his relationship with his children) would be coercion, no?

I have considered this moon but equally depriving myself of something that is clearly important to my wellbeing is not OK for me

I would say its far more likely to be the way he is rather than anything to do with your appearance. People in long term relationships often find each other less attractive at various points but usually still have sex, from convenience if nothing else, particularly men. I think the problem is more likely around his sex drive. The lack of any type of physical affection could be that he doesn't want to start anything that could be expected to lead to sex. You need to have an honest chat with him though. This won't fix itself and I doubt you can fix it by changing your appearance. You don't want to end up living this way for the next 40 years.

My friend swears by date night. Once a week or a fortnight according to how you can manage the rest of you life.
(Both) Dress up nice and have a nice dinner just you two. Watch a film together. And if that's as much as you get, then try again next week.
Harder sometimes with kids.

You didn't jump into a sexual relationship with him, presumably like most people you dated him and things developed. You have to think that way perhaps, rather than straight to sex.
Perhaps the world has changed and if you went out and dated then you would just have sex with someone when you met them.

If his desire isn't there, then discuss why. Is he physically capable of having sex? Some serious discussions are needed for your sanity perhaps, but accepting if he does not want what you want, what options you have might be limited.
Polyamory or divorce?

@Moonmelodies

These days people are entitled to decline physical contact for any and no reason. To threaten him with leaving (and the inevitable consequences for his relationship with his children) would be coercion, no?

If it is then its justifiable, as the OP is not asking for anything unreasonable. If someone said if you don't stop sleeping with other people I will leave you, this is arguably coercion too, but few would consider it wrong.

@Moonmelodies

These days people are entitled to decline physical contact for any and no reason. To threaten him with leaving (and the inevitable consequences for his relationship with his children) would be coercion, no?

This.

People withhold or are unable to give physical affection for numerous reasons. You cannot demand it, coerce it, threaten or insist on it happening. You cannot force sexual desire or attraction, you cannot force affection when the other person, for whatever reason, finds it too hard or is simply indifferent. That is hell for the other person too.
At the end of the day you don't meet in the middle in the sexual part of your relationship so you have to make a decision on whether you can live like this or if you need to leave and find it with someone else but you cannot demand it as part of a prerequisite to stay. When someone doesn't want sex, the feelings attached to that can be just as valid and as real as the person who DOES want it. BOTH sides are unhappy, the one who is begging for it and the one who just can't give it. I think people forget about that sometimes, they always see it from the side of the person who is living in lack and blame the one who is withholding when that person is often is in as much pain.

@Moonmelodies

These days people are entitled to decline physical contact for any and no reason. To threaten him with leaving (and the inevitable consequences for his relationship with his children) would be coercion, no?

He is entitled to decline.

She is entitled to leave him as a consequence.

Actions have consequences.

Also saying "....,no?" At the end of a question is the most irritating thing on Mumsnet.

Why do you want affection from someone who criticises you?

However he can’t be blamed for not being attached to you or wanting sex. And 4 stone weight gain is significant

In the kindest possible way he may have changed in his behaviour but you have also changed in your appearance.
Most men get sexually aroused by physical stimuli.
I'm sorry for the trauma you have suffered but you also need to work at your issues.

Just to add my partner would not find me attractive after gaining 4 stone. He might still love me but I doubt he would want sex.

@Noavocado

Just to add my partner would not find me attractive after gaining 4 stone. He might still love me but I doubt he would want sex.

Same here if partners I have had

And I share same view. I would not necessarily be physically attracted to someone in the same way if they gained 4 stone

Yep

@Moonmelodies

These days people are entitled to decline physical contact for any and no reason. To threaten him with leaving (and the inevitable consequences for his relationship with his children) would be coercion, no?

People are absolutely entitled to decline physical contact. But the person on the receiving end is totally entitled to decide that they are not prepared to remain in a relationship where there is no physical affection.

Having children with someone doesn't oblige someone to remain in a loveless relationship. I wouldn't want to.

@Moonmelodies

These days people are entitled to decline physical contact for any and no reason. To threaten him with leaving (and the inevitable consequences for his relationship with his children) would be coercion, no?

Has anyone had said

“Threaten to leave and take the children if he doesn’t have sex with you”?

I'm not minimising his lack of affection or interest at all and I'd also be considering leaving if my DH left me feeling like this BUT could he be wary/leaving you alone because of the trauma you have been through? Have you talked to him about needing/wanting intimacy in your relationship?
That is just an option that occurred to me, but I also see that he says things that upset you so could be I'm wrong.
I disagree that you are using coercion as other PP have suggested. You are entitled to know what his feelings are and to make an informed decision about whether you want to live the rest of your life with no affection. It certainly wouldn't work for me.