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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he should have taken the baby out?

46 replies

Shatteredbauble · 31/10/2021 08:22

I may well be being unreasonable.

Had an absolutely awful night with DD (teeth) where I got no sleep at all. I took her in the spare room, told Dh I’d sort her but could he have her in the morning so I could sleep.

In the morning I gave her to him. She was screaming hysterically.

Rather than take her into the lounge and try to settle her he just kept her in the room next to mine so I couldn’t sleep anyway.

AIBU or not? I might be being really arsey and grumpy for no good reason.

OP posts:
Beamur · 31/10/2021 09:46

My DD is 14 (years, not months) now and my DH behaving like this still gives me the rage!
I hear you!
As long as you can hear your unsettled baby you just cannot sleep. I spelt this out to my DH yet he would still just take her downstairs (where I could still hear her) and I am still annoyed with him more than a decade later. It's deeply inconsiderate of your DH not to take the baby out of the house entirely for an hour or two so you can sleep.

StarfishDish · 31/10/2021 09:50

@Shatteredbauble Our little one is teething at the minute and chamomile granules from Holland and Barret are an absolute treat! They can have them every 15 minutes upto 12 times in 24 hours. Halloween Grin

Darkstar4855 · 31/10/2021 09:56

Mine used to do this, he meant well but I’d have to really spell it out. I used ear plugs and an eye mask to help me get as much sleep as possible but I did have to whatsapp him from the bedroom a few times to ask him to shut the door/go downstairs/take the baby out.

Hang in there OP, the sleepless bit feels like forever but it doesn’t last.

Chocolatewheatos · 31/10/2021 09:56

Ugh I almost divorced DH when, after an incredibly bad night of DS sleeping for 5 minutes then waking up and crying and flailing about like a beached fish. I asked DH to have DS so I could get some sleep. He fed him right beside me then because he'd drifted off left him with me and went downstairs. Obviously DS woke up 5 minutes later. I gave it half an hour and gave up, changed his nappy and went downstairs to DH watching TV with a bowl of cereal and a coffee. I don't think I've ever hated someone so much. It took so many conversations to explain that I need fucking sleep too and that he is also a parent.

He does a much better job now but I am so fucking sick of him complaining about aches and pains. He will hold DS who is huge for like 5 minutes then complain about his arms back and stomach killing. I carry DS about all day, my body is killing me, but I just keep going don't I so shut up and get on with it.

Sorry went off in a tangent. You need to tell him how shit he did.

hotmeatymilk · 31/10/2021 09:58

I’m not always brilliant at making myself clear when I’ve had two hours broken sleep. I must clearly try to be a bit better at this
Nah - have the conversation once, when you’re compos mentis: “When I thrust the baby at you like a mad woman I am DONE and cannot speak for severe sleep deprivation. Please take her AWAY because I can’t sleep with her near. Don’t make me explain it at the time.”

I’m like you – sleep dep ties my tongue so I can’t communicate, and the effort of trying or texting makes it impossible to sleep even if I’ve had none. I don’t sleep easily, never have. I’m very much Team Throw Baby at DP Why Must I Explain.

GenderAtheist · 31/10/2021 09:58

He’s doing it badly so you don’t ask him to do it again. He thinks it’s your job.

Thefaceofboe · 31/10/2021 10:07

meaning getting back to sleep is hard / impossible

If you’ve been up all night I can’t see getting back to sleep an issue really. You really do have to spell these things out to men, I’m sure he didn’t do it to intentionally keep you up.

stingofthebutterfly · 31/10/2021 10:16

He did take her away from you. If you wanted him to go further then just ask him.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to sleep if there was a screaming child in the house, wherever they were.

Maybe he hadn't slept either.

A bit unfair to have a go at him when he did what you asked.

SpringRainbow · 31/10/2021 10:17

@LoveGoldberg

When you handed the baby over, that would have been your opportunity to have told your partner that you would like them to take the baby downstairs or out of earshot.

I understand your point but why have we such low expectations that partners don’t do this automatically

It’s not just partners, it’s anyone.

No one is a mind reader so if you have expectations of anyone about anything you need to make yourself clear.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 31/10/2021 10:29

He did take her away from you. If you wanted him to go further then just ask him.

This, really. A lot of the responses are written as if he kept her in the room with you. I appreciate you wanted her further away, but they were in a different room…

This isn’t a blame game… you’re a team. Put this to one side and make a plan for tonight.

TirednWorried · 31/10/2021 10:32

Had an absolutely awful night with DD (teeth) where I got no sleep at all. I took her in the spare room,

To be fair, you expected him to be able to sleep with her screaming in the next room.

MRex · 31/10/2021 10:36

I'd be really concerned with a baby screaming that much. Talk to your pharmacist, GP or health visitor about giving calpol, ibuprofen or liquid anbesol. Buy chew toys as well. The baby doesn't need to be in that much pain constantly.

Once you're giving pain relief, then yes of course he should take the baby away from the bedroom so you aren't disturbed. Sometimes people don't think and you have to ask in order to get sleep, so ask next time.

StarfishDish · 31/10/2021 10:40

@GenderAtheist

He’s doing it badly so you don’t ask him to do it again. He thinks it’s your job.
Hmm
Fupoffyagrasshole · 31/10/2021 10:48

Send a text or phone him 🤣 that’s what I do

LindaEllen · 31/10/2021 10:53

@Shatteredbauble

I’m not being rude, I’m screaming in desperation!

WhT you don’t seem to be getting though is when you’re on the verge of sleep getting up and saying something to someone might take two seconds but it wakes you up meaning getting back to sleep is hard / impossible. And DD saw me and wanted me then. So bam chance to sleep gone. And if tonight is like last night it will be equally horrific!

But you weren't on the verge of sleep if baby was screaming in the next room, were you? And if you were, then what's the problem?
Gumboots29 · 31/10/2021 11:00

I totally get it. You are knackered and need sleep. You shouldn’t really have to think for your DH. He should be able to use his common sense to figure out that you won’t be able to sleep if the baby is screaming next door.

If anything I found it harder to get to sleep when I was sleep deprived. Headphones and white noise to block out everything.

YANBU

frazzledasarock · 31/10/2021 11:02

All these utterly stupid men who need to be told slowly and clearly using very short words how to allow give their partner some time and peace to sleep.
Because they’re so utterly stupid they don’t realise that loud noise will keep the person in the adjoining room awake.

Amazed such stupid people manage to function at all.

Tell your partner to take care of his child for the rest of the day away from your bedroom. Then have a hot bath, food and go nap.

Your partner will benefit from the hands on experience of caring for his child.

FinallyHere · 31/10/2021 11:40

You really do have to spell these things out to men

Just for the record, the people who need it spelling out have

either

not been through the sleepless nights that you have had

or

Think it's really your job.

Whichever it is, they need it spelling out at a time when everything is calm. When you have experienced something, you just know it in a way that doesn't happen if you haven't been through it.

Then you know whether you are dealing with conscious incompetence.

Hope he just needs to understand.

HeyFloof · 31/10/2021 12:56

You wouldn't have loud music, or hoover, or practise drumming in the room next to someone trying to sleep after a bad night. So having a grumpy, overtired, crying baby in the next room isn't OK either.

You take them downstairs, close all the doors between you and the sleeper and keep them entertained, get them fed and generally try and jolly along. Maybe take them in a walk in the buggy, fetch coffee and fresh bread and hope the cold air makes them fall asleep.

OPs DD may not have been screaming all night, but I remember the long nights of teething well. Baby wakes up crying, you soothe them, administer calpol, try and get them back to sleep, they nod off for 2 minutes and then are back up. You are conscious of not waking your partner up so put them in the spare room with you, where they toss, turn, grizzle, grab, climb, whinge, whine, are uncomfortable and unsettled, they just want to be cuddled on your lap all night. Every time you think they've nodded off and you turn over to get some sleep, they wake up again. It's hideous.

It's like strategic incompetence, so you don't ask him again. Because if you get annoyed and spell it out, then you're accused of nagging or being controlling. It's really selfish and thoughtless of him.

Shatteredbauble · 31/10/2021 13:09

@Shatteredbauble

She wasn’t screaming all night.

Moonshine because I wanted to fucking SLEEP, not get up and have a conversation. I wanted SLEEP.

Quoting this so the people who accused me of keeping the poor love up with a screaming baby can see Hmm
OP posts:
Bancha · 31/10/2021 13:26

OP I totally feel your pain. I find it even harder to sleep when I’m sleep deprived and anxious from being tortured woken repeatedly through the night. I have also had to explain to DH - if I can hear her crying, I cannot sleep. Only, it was probably delivered a little more aggressively than that Blush However, DH would wake if she cried but would be able to go back to sleep if I was seeing to her, so I can see why he found that hard to understand.

Can you get any noise cancelling headphones or earplugs? I use them when I’m having a nap (pregnant with number 2) so I can drown out general toddler noise, and I would recommend!

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