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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was this rude?

26 replies

Dogknowsbest · 30/10/2021 23:57

Just got back from a party. It was a big one - a 50th. I'm single and went by myself. All evening, not a single person came up to say hi or introduce themselves. I made an effort and spoke to a couple of people and my friend and her husband said chatted a bit. I'm used to being single but this is the first time ever I've had to start so many conversations and been ignored so much. Aibu for feeling a bit pissed off?

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 30/10/2021 23:58

I find the art of making conversation to be a dying art nowadays, sadly.

Strangevipers · 31/10/2021 00:00

Are people out of practice cause of Covid ?

Weary of going near people ?

Random I know but just a thought

HouseOfFire · 31/10/2021 00:00

Why should people come and introduce themselves to you? I don't see why this is rude

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 31/10/2021 00:13

HouseOffire - because it was obvious I was on my own and I was making an effort all evening with strangers. I don't expect people to bend over backwards or have a deep and meaningful conversation. Just to make a bit of an effort - say hi / it's a good party / how do you know so and so. I'm quite confident but this felt excruciating at points.

OP posts:
SpookyS · 31/10/2021 00:17

Was it a party where you didn't really know anyone op? That's very difficult.

Did the host introduce you to anyone?

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 31/10/2021 00:18

Maybe they are wary because of covid or out of practice. I didn't think about that side of it.

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 31/10/2021 00:19

Ooooh, you're braver than me. I would never have gone to a party where I knew no-one else but the host. Sorry you went through this. Flowers

TurnUpTurnip · 31/10/2021 00:21

I’ve been to parties and never gone up to anyone to introduce myself, sorry didn’t really think this was a thing? Certainly not something I would do

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 31/10/2021 00:23

There was one other couple I knew but they didn't want to spend all evening chatting to me which I kind of think was fair enough. The friend is baser quite a way from me so our friendship circle doesn't really mix anymore. My friend basically left me to it. Chatted briefly to the guy I was sitting next to over dinner but his wife started shooting me daggers after 5 minutes

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 31/10/2021 00:30

That's just a bit crap. I'll never make this mistake of thinking that most people are friendly if you give them a chance because this thread is already showing me that most people just aren't.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 31/10/2021 00:36

Now you've said you were sitting at dinner (I had been imagining a hall with a bar in it), then I think it is odd that all the people on your table didn't mingle and chat to one another. I don't understand how it could be you only spoke to one chap.
If I were the host / your friend though, I would have ensured I put anyone who was coming on their own with other people who would be friendly and welcoming..
In a big hall / room / disco -party type situation I wouldn't cruise the hall looking for people who seemed to be on their own to chat to though.

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 31/10/2021 00:49

I think that's a fair comment kite. I was basically the only single person on my table which is always difficult. When people are with their partners or families that's who they'll spend their time with.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 31/10/2021 00:52

Ah that makes sense I was imagining like pp a party type thing with music dancing etc, sitting down at a meal Is a bit off no one spoke to you

PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 00:53

Most people are generally becoming more & more cliquey. You'll find groups of friends going to parties and only talking to each other. A party used to mean you could mingle and meet people!

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 00:55

When people are with their partners or families that's who they'll spend their time with.

Not my experience. I mean, I can chat to dh any old time - the nice thing about going out is meeting lots of new people Smile
I am envisioning this as being a bit like a wedding with 8 or 10 folk round a table? Everyone there to celebrate with the person whose birthday it is. So it would be set up for conversation around the table. Even if it were a rectangular table, you'd still speak to the 5 or so closest people, and I would always include people who weren't there with a partner.

NigellaSeedofChucky · 31/10/2021 00:56

Well done you for putting in the effort and going!

PanicStationsAhh · 31/10/2021 00:58

Hmm, tricky OP. I do understand it was not great for you and I'm sorry you had a crap time, but I don't think it's other guests responsibility to make sure you're included? If I went to a party where there were friends I'd not seen in a while I'd be making a beeline for them and catching up, I don't think I would even notice guests I didn't know? Maybe when I was much younger, but I don't see parties as for meeting new people now but for catching up with old friends.

I don't think anyone is in the wrong here really.

PanicStationsAhh · 31/10/2021 01:01

Most people are generally becoming more & more cliquey. You'll find groups of friends going to parties and only talking to each other. A party used to mean you could mingle and meet people!

It's a bit unfair to say people are being cliquey.... you might enjoy meeting new people but others might not. I'm happy with the friends I have Smile If I happen to meet new people that's nice but I don't go looking for new friends, and at a party where I already knew people I'd want to catch up with them not make chit chat with strangers.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 01:09

I'm happy to talk to anyone, and I enjoy chatting to new people, but after a while I do seek out those who I know or know better than the rest because it's more comfortable and fun for me.
After all I see a party as an opportunity to enjoy myself and it would never occur to me that I should act as if I was in some sort of adult buddy programme to bond with people I don't know and keep them company just to be polite.
I think your expectation that people should do that for an extended period of time is unreasonable.

sorry you had a crap time.

FliesAreMad · 31/10/2021 01:16

If it was a big party there might have been lots of people who knew a handful of others, and no one realised you didn’t know anyone. Could have also been other guests were interested in catching up with friends or acquaintances they hadn’t seen for ages. It’s a bit shit the host didn’t spend more time with you or introduce you around as they must have realised you didn’t know their other friends, but maybe they were also busy trying to make sure they talked to everyone who attended. So just one those things. However you were brave to attend a big social gathering knowing no one else, I wouldn’t.

Ticksallboxes · 31/10/2021 01:43

OP gosh I feel for you! You are braver than me!

Back in December 2019 we were invited to a Christmas drinks thing that started in the afternoon, kids welcome. My DH had too much work on so I went along with my DD12.

I'd only known the host for six months but, because it was the afternoon, I expected it to be a cosy, family type get together and I'd probably end up chatting to a grandma while perched on the edge of a sofa eating something nice.

Well, the house was enormous and within 30 minutes it filled up with about 100 very sophisticated people (mainly couples) who all seemed to know each other really well. I suddenly got gripped with 'the fear' and had to make some silly excuse that I had to make an important phone call and left, and then had to come back shortly afterwards to pick up my (rather bewildered) DD who'd been happily playing with other teens.

Me and my DH can laugh about it now but at the time it felt awful. I don't think I've ever so misjudged a situation and felt so out of my depth!

EngelbertPumpkindink · 31/10/2021 07:42

I agreed with @Haggisfish3 's comment;
and then @HouseOfFire just confirmed it.

Civilization will need to learn to become civilized again.
However, it won't likely happen during this generation

HouseOfFire · 31/10/2021 08:55

You were sat at a table, did you speak to the people near you? What kind of occasion was it?

Personally I talk to anyone near me, I dont go and look for people alone though

Leavisite · 31/10/2021 09:02

Well, I am married with a child, but they both have a long-arranged weekend away for a sporting event at the time of one of my oldest friend’s 50th birthday party, so I’m going alone. The only person I will know there will be her, and I knew her (awful) parents slightly in my teens.

I’m not anticipating barrels of fun, but I’ll do my best.

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 31/10/2021 16:05

HouseofFire - I spoke to the people either side of me. I had one lovely chat with a woman and the minute I started speaking to the guy on the other side his wife started really staring at me and giving me weird looks. After dinner the music started and when people started mingling I just felt a bit awkward. I chatted to a couple of people for a few minutes here and there but you know when you get the feeling someone just isn't interested? I basically ended up dancing on my own. In the scheme of things it probably wasn't that bad but last night it felt worse and I'm thinking I can take a lot away from this experience and learn something from it.

OP posts:
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