How do you 'find yourself' again?!

[ffiot]

I'm aware this isn't the best topic for this thread but it generates a lot of traffic and I need some advice!

2 years ago I left the father of my kids, took both very very small kids with me, one was still a baby. We eventually got our very own place and it's just perfect. They love it, I love it, it's what I've always dreamed of, a safe haven. So why the shit am I so depressed!

Why do I pine after a man who abused me in front of our children?! Why do I feel my heart break every single day for him and what we could have had.

I struggle financially, he helps a lot but it's not enough. I have lost my career that I had pre children. I'm fucking jobless. I can't work for another 2 years when they'll both be in full time school because he's too unreliable in regards to childcare. I can't ever treat myself and honestly that's fine, my children and so happy and healthy and I genuinely have everything I've wanted for ages.

I am also overweight which I'm aware is a massive contributor to how shit i'm feeling. I just can't get my head together. During the day I am happy and we have fun and there's so much love in this house - exactly what they deserve. But at night I can cry for hours and it genuinely feels like my heart hurts so much I could probably die. Im obviously ok though, i'm just sad and after some top tips on how to fix the fuck up and stop being such a slobbering mess please!

Ps sorry for the life story

Also I'd like to hear some stories of how people found love after being in a shitty relationship, and how they navigated through it with having children from a previous relationship. Where do you find the time to date? What do you even say to men? Im not ready to date, need to sort myself out first, I often think about that though and it's overwhelming

I've felt the same after dumping a man I was deeply in love with but who abused that love.

I don't think you can force these things. It's natural to grieve. Try to put on a brave face for the kids but when alone just let yourself cry. It WILL stop eventually.

And don't think about a new relationship whilst you are at this stage. Clearly you are not yet over him, and you don't want to get with someone on the rebound.

Best of luck.

@Maskless

I've felt the same after dumping a man I was deeply in love with but who abused that love.

I don't think you can force these things. It's natural to grieve. Try to put on a brave face for the kids but when alone just let yourself cry. It WILL stop eventually.

And don't think about a new relationship whilst you are at this stage. Clearly you are not yet over him, and you don't want to get with someone on the rebound.

Best of luck.

Thank you for your response. It's comforting albeit sad to hear I'm not alone. It just feels like I'll be this sad forever

You are grieving for what you think “might have been” which is understandable but he was abusive so in reality that what “might have been” was never actually possible.

It sounds like you’ve achieved amazing things. You should be very proud of yourself.

Own that and then figure out the next step

@LittleBearPad

You are grieving for what you think “might have been” which is understandable but he was abusive so in reality that what “might have been” was never actually possible.

It sounds like you’ve achieved amazing things. You should be very proud of yourself.

Own that and then figure out the next step

Thank you for saying that, you sound like such a lovely person and that's what I think I needed to hear

I suffer from spiralling anxiety at night and developed a routine to try and deal with it… I work hard to make sure I sleep quickly-ish e.g. no tv for an hour before bed. I listen to audio books or podcasts which tidying my room and getting ready, I do meditation/ mindfulness when in bed and then listen to a ‘sleep story’ or very unemotional science podcast.

Sometimes you just need to bypass the sadness for a while.

When you’re spiralling, instead of thinking about all the things you can’t control, think about the things you can control. Like tomorrow, could you have a walk in the sun for 10 minutes or hot bath. Do a 5 minute yoga video or write down some goals for this coming week.

What would you like to achieve this week? Do you want to de clutter the hallway, or book a hair appointment? Call a friend for a catch up or eat an extra portion of veg? Draw a picture or listen to songs that make you dance?

It won’t fix your heart break but while your heart heals you can be taking teeny tiny steps to moving on.

You might also consider a gratitude diary? Just three things to be grateful for each day, it’s a great way to end the day.

You might also need to do something to help you say goodbye to your past - a letter, a picture, burying something, just writing down what you are leaving behind.

All just some thoughts.

@pennysays

I suffer from spiralling anxiety at night and developed a routine to try and deal with it… I work hard to make sure I sleep quickly-ish e.g. no tv for an hour before bed. I listen to audio books or podcasts which tidying my room and getting ready, I do meditation/ mindfulness when in bed and then listen to a ‘sleep story’ or very unemotional science podcast.

Sometimes you just need to bypass the sadness for a while.

When you’re spiralling, instead of thinking about all the things you can’t control, think about the things you can control. Like tomorrow, could you have a walk in the sun for 10 minutes or hot bath. Do a 5 minute yoga video or write down some goals for this coming week.

What would you like to achieve this week? Do you want to de clutter the hallway, or book a hair appointment? Call a friend for a catch up or eat an extra portion of veg? Draw a picture or listen to songs that make you dance?

It won’t fix your heart break but while your heart heals you can be taking teeny tiny steps to moving on.

You might also consider a gratitude diary? Just three things to be grateful for each day, it’s a great way to end the day.

You might also need to do something to help you say goodbye to your past - a letter, a picture, burying something, just writing down what you are leaving behind.

All just some thoughts.

I love those thoughts. That's such a good point about obsessing over things you can't control. I begin to feel sad and before I know it I'm crying about how shit I think I am and that I wasn't enough but that's pointless and unproductive. I'm going to try to focus on what I can control like you say. I started doing a quick 10 minute yoga video on YouTube with my children last week and they enjoyed it so I'll try to do that more too and I love the idea of a gratitude diary. I often forget how lucky I am. I'm glad to read you've figure out how to deal with your anxiety, how did you do that? Through therapy, google or experimenting until something worked?

It was a combination of all of the above. A lot of ready about it and then following those recommendations. Daily mindfulness which has helped give me some tools to coping with anxiety and then after a few years some therapy.

Therapy has helped me be compassionate to myself and to with my emotions rather than against them. So if I’m feeling bleak - to ask myself “what does it look like to feel this way and carry on with my day. What do I need to do to allow myself to feel like this”.

I’ve also worked my therapist to learn ways to soothe the body - so if my heart is racing, what do I need? If everything feels heavy, what do my limbs need? Taking the focus away from my mind and thinking about how it manifests in the body.

So, @ffiot what things can you have control over this week?

Well done you for getting out of that situation and giving your kids a great life. You should really be so proud Op, you are very strong!
Parenting small kids, especially in your circumstances, is so all consuming. I'm wondering what things you could fit in for you. Have you good supportive friends? You sound lonely and maybe making some new friends would help fill some of the empty space right now. Toddler groups might be a place to start. Just trying to think of some positive things that can bring happiness to you, you deserve it!