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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm going to be stood up aren't I?

48 replies

Jdjdhcchsbsjdi · 30/10/2021 19:02

Have been chatting with a guy online recently. Get on really well and arranged for him to come over this evening. He is due in 30 minutes.

I haven't heard from him since Thursday (normally message every day) I messaged earlier asking if were still on for today and no response.

He has my postcode but not full address so couldn't arrive without getting in touch. He isn't showing up is he?

OP posts:

JudgementalCactus · 30/10/2021 19:31

Have you never watched a crime documentary, OP?

Count your blessings. If he had come it would have put you in a very vulnerable situation.

Original poster

Jdjdhcchsbsjdi · 30/10/2021 19:34

Ok everyone is right, should not have invited him round first date. I have FaceTimed a few times so thought that was okay and kind of made up for not meeting in person first but you all are right. Was a silly decision. But he still hasn't said anything so I guess no harm done and I'll be more sensible in future

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 30/10/2021 19:35

@SnarkyBag

Not sure but inviting a random male off the internet to your home is a terrible idea!

I was thinking the same thing. Isn't a first date usually coffee in a public place? Seems safer.

SnarkyBag · 30/10/2021 19:39

@Jdjdhcchsbsjdi

If you do hear from him tonight please reschedule to meet another time in public.

Buttercup54321 · 30/10/2021 19:39

Why are you inviting a complete stranger to your house? He could be anyone!!!

Noavocado · 30/10/2021 19:45

The person that turns up at your door may not even be the person you face timed. Without scaring you too much you have openly advertised you are a female home alone...once open the door anyone could force themselves inside.

You need to wise up quickly OP.

SmellyOldOwls · 30/10/2021 19:47

Have a nice evening anyway OP

picklemewalnuts · 30/10/2021 19:51

Go put somewhere! Distract yourself, and be out on the off chance he finds you.

EngelbertPumpkindink · 30/10/2021 20:32

Maybe he's had second thoughts about his own safety. He might think it's odd that you invited him to yours so readily, and he's concerned that once he gets there, you and your boyfriend will roll him and steal his money, watch, phone, and demand his bank info.

BurntTheFuckOut · 30/10/2021 20:34

Always in public
Always somewhere busy
Preferably in day light

Original poster

Jdjdhcchsbsjdi · 30/10/2021 21:32

Yes yes I know stupid and reckless of me.
Honestly I just have been through a rough break up, a lot of emotional abuse and honestly was nice to have someone be nice to me. Very pathetic I know

OP posts:

OverweightPidgeon · 30/10/2021 21:38

Do t be hard in yourself Op , you’ll know for next time.

It’s a good thing really that he hasn’t contacted you for many reasons, obviously the safety aspect but I would also question a man that agrees to this on a first date .

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/10/2021 21:40

Not pathetic, OP. Quite a normal response. But your bullshit radar may well be off if you've been worn down by an abusive partner. Some people can pick up on this and target vulnerable women, continuing the cycle of shitty relationships.
You do need to learn to hold yourself back and keep yourself safe, consider this a lucky wake up call.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 30/10/2021 21:49

Sorry OP. He's ghosted. It happens to many people so don't take it to heart.

A first date doesn't have to be coffee - it can be anything (including coffee) but the important bit is that it should be in a public place for safety.

As an aside, I know people say this about someone they've met online (as it should be), yet have no problem inviting strangers over or going to their house for a one night stand. I find it interesting.

Anyway OP, just remember your safety is key. Make sure you feel comfortable and listen to any niggling feeling you may have. Better safe than sorry. Always use common sense too and don't worry if you'll drive someone away when trying to be sensible. If you do, you've lost nothing.

GenderAtheist · 30/10/2021 21:53

@Jdjdhcchsbsjdi

Yes yes I know stupid and reckless of me. Honestly I just have been through a rough break up, a lot of emotional abuse and honestly was nice to have someone be nice to me. Very pathetic I know

YY I get it. But the posters here are also being nice to you by advising yoi to be more careful in future.

First date must be a short one for coffee or drink.

Second one can be longer but must be in a public place, preferably doing something eg cinema , a walk rather than just dinner ( in case you struggle for conversation ).

NO dates going back to your house. NO dinner or anything else at yours.

That’s the rules 😬

Clymene · 30/10/2021 22:01

@Theimpossiblegirl

Not pathetic, OP. Quite a normal response. But your bullshit radar may well be off if you've been worn down by an abusive partner. Some people can pick up on this and target vulnerable women, continuing the cycle of shitty relationships. You do need to learn to hold yourself back and keep yourself safe, consider this a lucky wake up call.

Totally.

There's nothing wrong with being happy that you've been talking to someone who made you feel good.

But you need to take care of yourself

Lokdok · 30/10/2021 22:05

I’m not even going to say it because everyone else has prob already berated you about meeting this guy at your house, but please, please be careful now. He has your postcode which is all he needs to find you, watch you and stalk you. Has he replied to you since? At the FIRST sign of anything odd happening you need to call the police. I am not judging you, I speak from first hand experience unfortunately

Staryflight445 · 30/10/2021 22:14

‘ Yes yes I know stupid and reckless of me.
Honestly I just have been through a rough break up, a lot of emotional abuse and honestly was nice to have someone be nice to me. Very pathetic I know’

Not pathetic op, but don’t use this as a reason to put yourself in a position where you’re vulnerable to rape and god knows what else.
Take care!

RobertaFirmino · 30/10/2021 22:15

@Jdjdhcchsbsjdi

Yes yes I know stupid and reckless of me. Honestly I just have been through a rough break up, a lot of emotional abuse and honestly was nice to have someone be nice to me. Very pathetic I know

Never look to other people for your fix of 'nice'. Learn to be nice to yourself, to be happy in your own company. It's only by doing that and being happy in yourself that you are able to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Noavocado · 30/10/2021 22:16

You are not pathetic OP. A little vulnerable yes. Go out and meet guys in a public setting. It would be nice I'm sure to go out and get dressed up. Just be careful and take care.

VillageOf8 · 30/10/2021 22:19

OP, don't beat yourself up. Many of us have been in emotionally/physically abusive relationships and know how well they break you down and mess up your judgment. But you need to be careful because because those types of men can pick up on it right away and if you have young kids at home, they felt like they won the jackpot...damaged desperate single mom who will give him full access to her home right away. (Not saying any of this is you, I'm saying this is how they think)

This loser did you a huge favor. Like others have said, block and delete. Moving forward, don't allow men into your home (or go to theirs) until you've been together for at least 2-3 months and are exclusive.

Justcallmebebes · 30/10/2021 22:27

My mate invited a random over from PoF when she was at a very low point. He got hammered and beat the crap out of her. Please. Never invite a stranger into your home people

crimsonlake · 30/10/2021 22:41

No matter what you have been through relationship wise in the past you still do not invite some random over to your place. what on earth were you thinking?

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