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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask Mil to put her potty in the bin..

39 replies

worzsel · 11/12/2007 18:58

DD's almost 3 and has been toilet trained for 3 or 4 months. We had a potty but i've never used it dd's always used the toilet and we have a downstairs one so it's no inconvienece.

Whenever dd comes back from Mils she wants to use the potty as mil has it in her lounge. They don't have a downstairs wc but dd's pretty on the ball and knows when she wants to go and will take herself.

I cant see why she cant just take her to the loo, surely making her use a potty is just keeping her back a bit as she's so good at using the toilet. I dont see why anyone, toddlers included should be pooing in the lounge when fully capable of using the toilet. its just lazy.

Would it be wrong of me to ask mil not to use the potty anymore even though its her house and dd does stay over there a couple of times a month while i'm at work.

i know this can be a bit ranty.. mils are such a pain in the arse.

god there's somethin else too just to and on the end to vent my annoyance.. yesterday when i phoned to see how dd was mil was like she doesnt want to speak to you and she doesnt want to come home.. she said that again earlier on when she dropped her off.. muls always like monopolising her when she's around, it had got a bit better but i think she's feeling insecure as she say how dd was with my mum and dad last week and was a bit put out that dd was the same with them as she is with her.. i think she likes to feel special.

moan moan moan.

anyone want a mil for christmas ?

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 11/12/2007 18:59

Did you buy the potty?

Original poster

worzsel · 11/12/2007 19:00

no she got it herself, i wouldnt mind atall if dd used a potty here bit she doesnt.

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 11/12/2007 19:00

If you did, it is yours so take it back and lose it.

Or ask if you can borrow it or say someone needs one and your Dd doesn't, etc etc

Original poster

worzsel · 11/12/2007 19:01

maybe i could break in a steal it !

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 11/12/2007 19:03

Just take it back. You are an adult and you want your daughter to use the loo full time. Why your MIL doesn't I don't know. Less to do when using the toilet. Is she trying to baby her?

Original poster

worzsel · 11/12/2007 19:05

i think a little maybe. DD starts nursery in a couple of weeks.. she needs to be using the toilet ! she's way to old for a potty now anyway eh.

i think she's just to lazy to take her upstairs.

OP posts:

icod4by4 · 11/12/2007 19:06

i neve r used potties

amytheearwaxbanisher · 11/12/2007 19:06

why dont you just tell her your dd only likes to use the loo now instead of the potty?

Original poster

worzsel · 11/12/2007 19:07

yeah i think i will. it'll probably go down like a lead baloon

OP posts:

Original poster

worzsel · 11/12/2007 19:08

cod i never used to potty either really, i didnt see the point of letting dd relieve herself in the potty then pouring it down the toilet then washing it out then washing dd etc.. i just took her to the toilet let her go and flushed the chain.. simplicity !

OP posts:

Original poster

worzsel · 11/12/2007 19:08

OP posts:

meemar · 11/12/2007 19:17

yanbu

Tell MIL that you no longer want dd to use the potty as it is confusing for her and she needs to be in the habit of using the toilet for nursery. I can't see how she could possibly have grounds to object.

As for the 'she doesn't want to speak to you and she doesnt want to come home' That would p*ss me off too! I hate that kind of control game that people play.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 11/12/2007 19:24

ds uses a potty i would prefare him to use the loo but fishing rubber ducks out of the loo once was once too many for me he likes to play with water....any water

Original poster

worzsel · 11/12/2007 19:24

it pisses me off too. I know why she does it though so i try to make alowences.. he other grandaughters mothers a complete bitch and has basicially stopped mil and her son seeing her for no real reason other then spite. its really shaken their family up understanable so i try to go easy on her.

It does annoy me though, it just not the right way to behave is it.

oh well, what can i do !

OP posts:

beeper · 11/12/2007 19:55

I dont think its that important to call you MIL an 'arse' she has your child for you. You should just speak to her as many times as it takes.

My MIL used to mind my DS and was the only help I had.

When I was 19 weeks pregnant my MIL went into hospital for testing and died within hours.

I now have no help and today my husband could not come to the scan as he had to mind my DS as there was no one who could mind him.

BibiJesus · 11/12/2007 20:02

I'd simply just tell her dd is too big for a potty now so she might as well get rid of it. I know you're already anticipating the arguments/reasoning she's going to put up to keep using the potty, esp if you suspect it's for her own convenience as my mil does this too. but stand your ground and tell her as many times as you have to.
MIL's told me outright that when dd is over there she'll do what she needs to and not what we've asked her to do.
I understand this to a point, but when she specifically and intentionally ignores our requests just to make her life easier it gets my goat. She doesn't realise she's undermining all the days and weeks and months of hard work we put in parenting dd and teaching her things and establishing rules and behaviours, in just an afternoon with Gran. Why don't you speak to your dd about it and get her to tell her Gran she's too old for a potty now.

Good luck.

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 11/12/2007 20:04

I don't think it's that big a deal tbh. It's a minor irritation and not worth a big row about.

The best thing to do, would be to stress to your dd how proud you are of her that she is a big girl and uses the loo, and when she was only a baby, she used to sit on a potty like the one grandma's got at her house, but now she's a big girl, she doesn't do that anymore, because that's just for babies, isn't it? And grandma sometimes gets confused and thinks dd is a baby and needs the potty, but she doesn't, does she, so next time she's at granma's and granma gives her the potty, show granma what a big girl she is and how she always uses the loo nowadays and doesnt need the potty anymore, so granma can get rid of it.

Nothing like a kid insisting on being independent, to keep irritating MIL's under control.

andyrobo237 · 11/12/2007 20:12

Yes I would go with the 'training' your daughter to go to the loo at the MIL's rather than use the potty - but becareful that your DD doesnt tell your MIL that you told her to say that!!!!

I used to have a bag of a MIL but she died two years ago - I had to just keep reminding myself that DD was only there for a few hours a week (they had her one morning before nursery and always managed to get her late to nursery as they had some errand to run on the way - typical of that family, but that is another story). We had a problem with MIL trying to get DD to drink from a glass rather than an anti-spill beaker, but it backfired when DD spilt a full glass of ribena down their cream couch!!!! Even now at age 5 she can still spill juice!

coby · 11/12/2007 20:29

YABU - but only because you should be telling her to recycle the potty instead of throwing it in the bin

IME 3yo+ DD's are wiley creatures and will play the two of you off against each other. In the end she is your DD and surely the potty is a tad small for her now? Is there some way you might be able to brainwash your DD against pottys so that the push to refuse the potty comes from her not you?

ernest · 11/12/2007 20:51

I'd love to have a mil.

i thinnk you are bu. So what if she wants to feel special? How can you begrudge a grandma a special bond with her gdd?

So what if she chooses to let dd use a potty?

You don't use one at your house. SHe uses the toilet no probs. So what if she comes back and asks? By all means suggest she uses the toilet if you want to, but unless it's really going against your principles, ie giving her crisps and choclolate for breakfast, why can't you just accept she does things a bit differently?

I really feel sory for mil

How often does your dd go round there?

Desiderata · 11/12/2007 20:56

Your MIL looks after your dd periodically while you're at work.

And she's a pain in the arse?

Look, you've got a downstairs bog and a MIL. Think yourself lucky. In the great schemes of things, this is a very poor thing to be cross about.

If you don't like her methods, don't use her.

coby · 11/12/2007 21:03

I had a fab MIL who my DH and I miss terribly.

Among many other things I appreciated her for she understood that it was up to DH and I how we wanted to do things with our DD - I think that's a hard thing to do when you have 30 odd years of parenting under your belt

Thing is ernest, I'm wondering if the potty is just a small part of what is going on here. Not sure why the MIL wouldn't be OK with just taking Worzel's DD to the loo, Maybe Worzel and her MIL need to have a chat (not an argument if at all poss) and check that everything is OK between them. In the real world of course, that line of action usually ends up in WW3.

ernest · 11/12/2007 21:25

I see that coby, which is why I touched on the fact that worzel had the hump about mil phone call of the previous day and sayng it was the same with her own mum, followed by "i think she likes to feel special.

moan moan moan."

well, I just don't see what's so wrong with a grandma wanting to feel special with her gdd.

I'd love to be in the position where my mum or mil could spend some time with my kids.

I don't agree that a mil should have to do exactly as the parents stipulate. It's good for the kids surely to see that different people do things differently (of course, like I said, maintaining acceptable boundaries and standards). If you go to a friends' house, you follow the rules/standards in their house, and then school is a whole new ball game. Different styles is normal, ok. I don't understand why parents rely on or benefit from grandparental help but get all control freaky about unimportant things.

My mil did plenty of stuff different, and you know what, the kids loved it, and they loved her very much. She used to buy the - gasp- cartons of capri sun. We only have water at home. It was a treat for them. I didn't especially like it. She liked treating them. They liked being treated. They came home. They asked for juice. I aid we have water at home. End of. No big deal.

I agree it's not just about the potty, but I urge dil of the world to give mil a break. Seriously. So what if they do things a bit differently. I think it's healthy, really, and healthy to let go a bit and accept different peol ehave different styles.

bozza · 11/12/2007 21:39

I agree with ernest tbh. Getting DD to use a potty at her house is not really a deal breaker. My MIL is a bit like this, buys equipment that I don't think is necessary etc but I have accepted that is how it is. My DC adore her and have a great time when they go there - are total PITAs when they come home but that is by the by. She also likes to treat them seperately as children so she buys character yoghurts, that bear ham stuff, tins of pasta shapes etc, none of which I ever buy, and has a cupboard full of a variety of flavours of fruit shoot.

ernest · 11/12/2007 21:49

Ah yes, the character spaghetti shapes ! We did have fruit shoots for a time, then she upgraded to capri cun, tho tended to be very messy. Whoever thought putting a drink in a bag was a good idea?

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