Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and Christmas

29 replies

Toomuch2019 · 30/10/2021 15:00

So DH is one of 3, DH, BIL and SIL.

BIL hosts my in-laws 1 out of 3 Christmases. SIL hasn't hosted them for the last 20 years that she has had kids, preferring to spend Christmas as a nuclear family unit and not inviting anyone other than the 5 of them. Which is fair enough but has meant we have hosted the in-laws 2 out of 3 Christmases along with my parents. My in-laws are very welcome and we love to have them, them and my parents get along well and we all have a great time.

This year SIL is going through a divorce, and invited herself to the in-laws. We have extended the invite to her and any of her now adult children that wish to join for dinner and I have
already ordered a large turkey to accommodate.

However SIL has now asked for the in-laws to cook for her and her "kids" (adults). She thinks one of her sons (who she hasn't actually spoken to for the last 3 months so is 2nd hand through another son) will only come if they don't have to come to ours for lunch as they don't want to hang out with my family! Not only offended but think son attending is pretty unlikely anyway given they aren't speaking to SIL.

In laws are going along with this ridiculousness because SIL has had a hard year. But they are now now trying to get us to give up our Boxing Day pyjama day to do a second Christmas with them. I don't want to go there. I'll be tired after running around at Christmas hosting my parents and want to hang out with my young DC and their toys.

I obviously will be gracious and won't argue about this as I love my in-laws but AIBU to be annoyed about this situation?
Also WIBU to say that's fine they are hosting SIL for Christmas but refuse to give up my Boxing Day just because they don't feel they can say no to SIL?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 30/10/2021 15:04

Just carry on with your plans, it’s up to them if they want to do something different

converseandjeans · 30/10/2021 15:11

She's being a drama queen. Just stick with your original plan. You shouldn't have to accommodate her trying to control everything.

DowntonCrabby · 30/10/2021 15:12

You stand strong and make it clear that they can pander to SIL if they wish but you won’t be pandering to anyone or changing any of your plans. Get DH to do it though and just reiterate x is happening on Christmas Day- all welcome (which I hope is appreciated how many you’re willing to host!) and y is happening as usual in boxing day- your usual plans.

Djifunrsn · 30/10/2021 15:16

I’d be careful of spoiling a good relationship with in-laws. They haven’t done anything wrong, they are just trying to help their adult daughter, who is in a difficult situation.

Can’t you still hang out in your PJs and get your dh/mil/fil to help with the cooking on Boxing Day? Or make a lot on Christmas Day so you can just reheat? You could easily reheat some slices of the large turkey you have which is the most time consuming part.

You are quite entitled to not like SIL but I wouldn’t make MIL/FIL pay the price for this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2021 15:17

Only one Christmas Day ffs. No way would I be doing it twice. You’ve invited they’re declining in favour of pandering to her, so you won’t see them this year. Choices. Consequences.

Have a blast with your family Grin

MintJulia · 30/10/2021 15:19

Invite PILs for New Year's Eve instead?

ItsAllMumboJumbo · 30/10/2021 15:21

No you're not. They have made their choice. Harsh but true

darkn · 30/10/2021 15:23

She thinks one of her sons (who she hasn't actually spoken to for the last 3 months so is 2nd hand through another son) will only come if they don't have to come to ours for lunch as they don't want to hang out with my family! Not only offended

I wouldn't be offended over this and it's nothing personal against your family, he just doesn't know them. I take it he's a very young adult too so yea he'd be self-centered and lack maturity.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 15:24

I would just stick with - we need our traditional Boxing Day to chill and play with DC I can't host 2 days in a row.

Good idea to offer NYD instead.

NeverTheHootenanny · 30/10/2021 15:26

YANBU. SIL has always had her Christmas Day with just her family, fair enough, and you are entitled to do the same on Boxing Day, especially after spending Christmas Day hosting.
PILs have made their choice, that’s up to them, but you shouldn’t now need to change your plans to accommodate them. Put your foot down.

Whereismumhiding3 · 30/10/2021 15:29

OP you can have a good relationship with your PILS without agreeing with everything they ask.
Your reply should be "youre welcome to join us on Xmas day, we understand if you would rather spend it with SIL & DCs. We're not doing a second Xmas as DCs and we love our Boxing Day traditions just the four of us"

If you don't nip this in the bud, you may resent it, and it might become an exhausting new double annual event.

I'm too exhausted after cooking Xmas breakfast, Xmas dinner & hosting with the weeks of planning that goes into that (as we love the fuss), to then have to do it again the next day Confused.... none of us would want another Xmas dinner & all the palaver two days in a row! Doesn't sound like fun at all.. more an endurance test!

Original poster
Toomuch2019 · 30/10/2021 15:33

Thanks for the responses. It's a comfort to know I'm not just being completely out of order.

I will probably just do what MintJulia and Randommess

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuch2019 · 30/10/2021 15:35

Sorry posted too soon

What MintJulia and Randommess suggest about offering an alternative date. As much as it irritates me it is probably the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 30/10/2021 15:37

@MintJulia

Invite PILs for New Year's Eve instead?
I think this is a good compromise.

Definitely stick to your original plans, ie host Christmas day and PJ day on boxing day.

And don't feel bad about it. You invited everyone, they declined, thatsbon them not you.

Original poster
Toomuch2019 · 30/10/2021 15:38

@darkn

She thinks one of her sons (who she hasn't actually spoken to for the last 3 months so is 2nd hand through another son) will only come if they don't have to come to ours for lunch as they don't want to hang out with my family! Not only offended

I wouldn't be offended over this and it's nothing personal against your family, he just doesn't know them. I take it he's a very young adult too so yea he'd be self-centered and lack maturity.

You're probably right
OP posts:
Inertia · 30/10/2021 15:39

Yanbu. It’s up to them whether they change their plans, they don’t get to change yours.

BurntO · 30/10/2021 15:42

If let them get on with it. She’s had a hard year from the sounds of it and your PIL are the ones who have agreed to change plans. I’d just say you have plans Boxing Day but say you hope they have a lovely time and you are sure you’ll be over to visit them at some point over the Xmas period and leave it there.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 15:45

Why all the angst and drama? You simply say, "Thanks but no. We are staying home on Boxing Day." Your SIL did whatever the fuck she pleased for years, you can, too. No one is forcing you to do anything.

CreepySpider · 30/10/2021 15:53

I agree about saying no, because you have plans already but offer an alternative date instead.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 30/10/2021 16:00

Don't change your plans if you don't want to OP. My inlaws were due to come for Xmas dinner this year but have cancelled on us to go to BIL's instead as they have moved to a bigger house, but still wanted to come to us on Boxing day and for me to cook a second Xmas Dinner! I politely but firmly said not a chance, Xmas dinner is on Xmas day, I only get those 2 days off over the period so refuse to knacker myself out over both the days, they could have gone to BIL'S on boxing day instead of cancelling with us 🤷‍♀️

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 16:10

@ChorleyFMcominginyourears

Don't change your plans if you don't want to OP. My inlaws were due to come for Xmas dinner this year but have cancelled on us to go to BIL's instead as they have moved to a bigger house, but still wanted to come to us on Boxing day and for me to cook a second Xmas Dinner! I politely but firmly said not a chance, Xmas dinner is on Xmas day, I only get those 2 days off over the period so refuse to knacker myself out over both the days, they could have gone to BIL'S on boxing day instead of cancelling with us 🤷‍♀️
Good for you for standing up for yourself. The cheek of some people is unbelievable.
BoredZelda · 30/10/2021 16:31

I obviously will be gracious and won't argue about this as I love my in-laws but AIBU to be annoyed about this situation?

Yes, YABU to agree to do something you don’t want to do then to whine about it. Just say no and be done with it.

Whereismumhiding3 · 30/10/2021 16:33

@Inertia

Yanbu. It’s up to them whether they change their plans, they don’t get to change yours.
This ^^ I'm sure your PILs aren't trying to be difficult and it can be said with love but you already have plans for Boxing Day

"Sorry but we love our Boxing Day traditions just the four of us, let's do a small dinner together on 30th Dec/NYE / NYDay (whatever suits you)"

billy1966 · 30/10/2021 16:45

20 years your SIL has suited herself.

You sound very kind but a bit of a pushover.

Your in laws are choosing to do something else and change THEIR plans but you do not have to change YOUR plans on Boxing Day.

I certainly wouldn't in your place.
This is a tradition in your family that the children enjoy so I would be saying just that.

Doing a MUCH simpler toned down lunch another day would be very generous.

Your SIL sounds like she is used to getting her way and this could be the start of a pattern so you would be wise to be kind but FIRM with your boundaries.

PinkiOcelot · 30/10/2021 17:05

Don’t change your plans OP. They have changed things and done what SIL wants to do. I wouldn’t be accommodating them on Boxing Day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread