Feel like a fish out of water at work

[MoodyMooTutu]

I have a long term mental condition that was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist over 10 years ago. I’m compliant with medication and have had CBT etc.
I still have some things that I need support with but on the whole I have managed to stay in full time employment for the last 5 years.
I have tried so hard to not be me and to think how my behaviour/words can impact others but it’s getting to the point that I am struggling not to tell others exactly what I think. I have tried so hard to be compliant with my colleagues and managers and not rock the boat or challenge but it feels like it’s ok for others to be able to express opinions but if I do it I’m being difficult. I don’t mean to be, it’s just that I’m not diplomatic enough and come across as blunt.

AIBU to start being me and stop trying to please everybody trying to be something I’m not?

Sorry to hear that you are struggling 😢 can you speak to your doctor to see if a change in medication may help?

Meanwhile, and I apologise if this suggestion won't work, could you try writing your thoughts/opinions down before saying them? That may help you to recognise if perhaps it might cause offence?

Funnily enough I was thinking this only a couple of days ago. I feel like a fish out of water and I'm so fed up of apologising for being me. I try so hard to not upset anyone and be 'normal' but I still get it wrong and the whole thing is mentally exhausting.

I have yearly medication reviews, I am maximum dose on one and can’t go higher on the other as it makes me sleep more and can’t get out of bed for work. I have requested a change for the last 3 years but they won’t.
@Stressed21 this is what I feel like too. I try so hard it makes my health worse. I am just worn out trying to communicate in a ‘normal’ way

@PumpkinPie2016. I had this as an adjustment to have things written but lately all I seem to be doing is apologising for my poor communication and not understanding

I have tried so hard to be compliant with my colleagues and managers and not rock the boat or challenge but it feels like it’s ok for others to be able to express opinions but if I do it I’m being difficult

But this is all workplaces and just in life in general. There's always a political jungle or pecking order in that if x does or says something it is acceptable but if y does it it's not. I know, it's maddening but it's just something you have to grin and bear within every workplace.

It's futile and causes more bother than it's worth to challenge it in the workplace as you'll not be supported or have people take your side even when you are being perfectly reasonable. Best just say nothing and say nothing inflammatory. Try to keep the peace.

I sympathise here . I can be too blunt & I've had to learn to temper it in a work context. You just need to learn corporate speak (or BS as I prefer to call it). If you get het up face to face a calm corporate speak email that you edit for any over emotional rant first , is needed . So ...
Late reporters/people who haven't done stuff :
Gentle reminder that ... is due on
Just a quick check re progress on the action agreed in our meeting/ conversation on...
It seems the ...... process has a glitch when it comes to ..... can we discuss a possible solution to this ...

@CSIblonde

I sympathise here . I can be too blunt & I've had to learn to temper it in a work context. You just need to learn corporate speak (or BS as I prefer to call it). If you get het up face to face a calm corporate speak email that you edit for any over emotional rant first , is needed . So ... Late reporters/people who haven't done stuff : Gentle reminder that ... is due on Just a quick check re progress on the action agreed in our meeting/ conversation on... It seems the ...... process has a glitch when it comes to ..... can we discuss a possible solution to this ...

I will try this, thank you. Perhaps I need to practice more. I do worry about I come across as I don’t a natural ability for corporate and do get frustrated/upset trying to get my point across. I know it’s a me thing and I do try not to be ‘that person’

I’ve found writing a journal really helps. I don’t have any MH issues but I have a long term medical condition (it’s a protected characteristic) and quite often feel anxious. Since starting my diary nearly two years ago, it’s allowed me to work things through and be able to ‘say’ things about people which I couldn’t possibly in real life. My diary will never tell on me!

Enjoy the challenge of diplomacy. It's the subtle dark art of telling somebody to go fuck themselves in a way that they not only do it, they thank you for your kind suggestion and think 'What a lovely person!'.

More seriously, it can be very freeing, as you don't have to worry about upsetting anybody but can absolutely state and maintain your boundaries by following the framework.

No more agreeing to things whilst silently seething; you've politely stated that you would be delighted to assist, but you are required by Statute to submit x return by five working days after y event and you would therefore need z days before you were in a position to do so. Otherwise known as 'No, I am not sat here filing my nails and drinking coffee whilst looking pretty whilst you run around doing all the work. I will help because those envelopes should have been stuffed seven days ago, but I am not ignoring a legal requirement that could get us in a whole boatload of shite in favour of digging you out of a hole'.

Or when there's a snotty email cc'd to management ordering you to include Person A in an email group for notifications, you politely respond with a 'Thank you for the suggestion - IT is already included in the notification, but I will add Fred Bloggs' individual email to the group in future'. Otherwise known as 'Look at the bloody To box where it shows that they've been included and have already replied on this thread, you flaming muppet'.

And then you get to come online in your free time and swear and vent as much as you like about other things. It's all rather pleasing, really.

Op can you give some examples please? What is it you want to say and in what context? What is it you’ve said before thay you’ve been told makes you “difficult”…and have you been told that or do you just assume they think it.?

@Bluntness100 - like when my manager says this client needs x and I say I don’t agree, it’s better if we offer y [insert reason] I am then usually classed a being difficult or undermining management so then the same things happens but this time I shut my mouth and comply which ends up as a complaint, with me getting feedback that I’m not looking after client’s needs I mean I honestly am confused as to what I should/shouldn’t do.

Don’t know if this would help, but Access to Work have a mental health support scheme. Just wondered if working with them could help give you some confidence in challenging things?

First of all well done for remaining employed for so long and I really mean that. It’s extremely difficult for people with mental health issues to stay in employment (I speak from experience)

Like you I have the tendency to over speak after certain situations, I’ve really had to reign it in recently. I’ve taken a step back and looked at how I’ve felt with situations and realised that it was at times when I was over worked and very stressed.

Do you think you can be difficult or do you think it’s outside factors having an impact?

"I don't agree, it's better if we ..." is going to raise hackles! This is more corporate:
That sounds great. Another option that would also meet the Client's spec & criteria is .....

Then you have had your say in a non confrontational way. As Manager I guess they can veto your idea tho, that's lifev I am afraid .

@Mixitupalot I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t mean to be but I know sometimes, if I don’t agree with something or think of another way to try things I am told to either let it go, it’s management’s decision or I get blanked 😐

[quote MoodyMooTutu]@Bluntness100 - like when my manager says this client needs x and I say I don’t agree, it’s better if we offer y [insert reason] I am then usually classed a being difficult or undermining management so then the same things happens but this time I shut my mouth and comply which ends up as a complaint, with me getting feedback that I’m not looking after client’s needs I mean I honestly am confused as to what I should/shouldn’t do.[/quote]
If this is what’s occuring then yes it’s confusing, it literally makes no sense.is there a nuance behind it?

So really what you’re saying if you disagree with your manager you’re told you’re being difficult and if you don’t disagree you’re told you are not performing your role correctly?

Wow I feel like I could have written this post!

@Bluntness100 basically yes

I have ADHD, so I understand it isn't straightforward, but you really need to learn how to phrase things diplomatically.
In the example you gave, assuming the manager is actually wrong, my natural response would be 'that's a shit idea, fuck that we should do y'
What I would actually say is 'yes, will do x' Then I would pick a suitable time to ask why we were doing x, phrased in a manner that implies I respect their experience and simply want to broaden my knowledge, rather than because I'm questioning their decision.
I then innocently ask questions about the scenarios x might also apply in, and let them tell me why x is incorrect.
Eg 'so if the client wants the answer to 2+2, and that's 5, if a client wants the answer to 3+3, is the answer 7?'

There are still times when I blurt things out before thinking, but as I've got older I've learnt the art of using very innocent sounding questions and comments to get my point across, and the art of avoiding managers that don't know what they're doing.

@TrainspottingWelsh I do usually start off by doing exactly that but can’t seem to keep it up. I never swear but yes I will admit that I get to a point that if ask for rationale and am met with more bollocks I do get really anxious and I want to say it’s bollocks but I can’t so hold it in.

@MoodyMooTutu just let them carry on with their bollocks until they have talked themselves round to the correct answer. Eg use very respectful and innocent questions so they tell you they're a fool, rather than you telling them they are a fool.
I don't get anxious, I'm just impulsive with no respect for authority and zero tolerance for bullshit. I find responding in my head, then rephrasing in my head before saying it out loud helps too.

All too often Sometimes I have to practice repeatedly how to say things tactfully. It's ruddy hard work. Another option in OP's situation could be "I'm afraid that won't meet client's needs for xyz. But if we did Option-B we could all their needs." Don't say "I think" or "I disagree" but instead focus on facts that are harder to dispute. And frankly, I take the problem(s) directly to the Manager, if they insist on terrible project plan.

"This is the problem that will/did happen if we do/by doing Option A. What do you think is the best way to deal with that problem?" is a conversation I've had a lot lately.

Thank you for your tips. I will definitely try to modify my approach. Wish me luck

[quote MoodyMooTutu]@Bluntness100 - like when my manager says this client needs x and I say I don’t agree, it’s better if we offer y [insert reason] I am then usually classed a being difficult or undermining management so then the same things happens but this time I shut my mouth and comply which ends up as a complaint, with me getting feedback that I’m not looking after client’s needs I mean I honestly am confused as to what I should/shouldn’t do.[/quote]
hi @MoodyMooTutu . I can relate. What I found helps is waiting to get back to my desk and emailing as I am still learning how to present an opposing argument verbally. (And I'm in my late 30s/early 40s!)

My email would be something like. "Thank you for suggesting x. X provides grass and water. [that is, acknowledging some attribute of option x]. On reflection, I was thinking we could go with y. I think I heard the client say they wanted sky and I think y provides sky. Also, I think that y could build into ... Either way, happy to take your steer on this and happy to go with whichever direction you think is best.
Welcome your steer. "
So, starting with positives about their suggestion. Then fact based about my suggestion. But ending on "you are the manager, your call here." because in this instance, it sounds like mgr has a strong view. So why not? Now if you go with option x, you have an email in writing from mgr stating for you to go with x. In addition, you have clearly outlined why y is better. so if / when client comes back, you will be vindicated.
I can relate very much with not being my true self. My true self is soooo blunt and would say "um, you're wrong". I have to step back, breathe and sugar coat so much. But after about 8 years of working on this, it is becoming more of a habit.
In addition, in conversation, I try to listen out for verbal tools I can use. For example, I have heard this phrase "i take a different view" and "that sounds good. And another thing I think of is...." these phrases do not come naturally to me at all!

not sure if what I said above could help and I'm glad to hear about your diagnosis. I wish all the best for you.

thanks for reading