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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DS to have a dummy?

28 replies

Dummybegone · 30/10/2021 11:59

The above isn’t accurate as I don’t mind him having it when he’s cranky or going to sleep.

But Dh keeps giving it to him all the time. He was crawling about happily this morning and Dh said ‘oh he doesn’t have his dummy.’

DS is now very dependent on it and I’m worried it’s going to impact on speech - aibu?

OP posts:

Whinge · 30/10/2021 12:01

If he's happy and content I would take it away.

Have you had a chat with your DH about why he feels he has to give him the dummy?

Original poster

Dummybegone · 30/10/2021 12:03

The problem is if he has it and you take it away he does get upset whereas he doesn’t if you just don’t give it to him in the first place.

OP posts:

MrsFin · 30/10/2021 12:04

Neither of my DDs had a dummy, at all, ever.
They survived, and so did we.

FortunesFave · 30/10/2021 12:04

Hide it then. Why the hell would your husband give it to him when he's ok? Did you ask him why?

PinkMoon22 · 30/10/2021 12:05

Put it away and just keep it for sleep

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/10/2021 12:05

Has your DH explained why he thinks your son needs his dummy while crawling around perfectly happily without it?

Whinge · 30/10/2021 12:05

@Dummybegone

The problem is if he has it and you take it away he does get upset whereas he doesn’t if you just don’t give it to him in the first place.

If you take it away and he gets upset then you distract him with something else.

Long term though it's DH behaviour that needs to change. Have you had a chat about why he's giving him the dummy?

Miliao · 30/10/2021 12:05

I think it’s unlikely it will impact speech. I think you and your partner should have a proper chat about your different attitudes to parenting, neither is ‘right’, but there will a lot more of these instances and it would be good to try and reach a compromise.

bookish83 · 30/10/2021 12:08

@Miliao

They do if in constantly. You can't really speak correctly with a dummy in. Plus it does impact on dental structures

Honestly OP just stick to nap times and sleep for it and you will have an easier time getting rid eventually. thats what we did

sarahc336 · 30/10/2021 12:09

I do think some people think that babies just have dummies, almost like you can't have a baby without one. I see people putting them into new horns mouths even when the new born is happily asleep. Maybe your husband just expects him to have it, maybe just take it away when he doesn't seem to need it so he can't then give him it? Xx

Original poster

Dummybegone · 30/10/2021 12:10

I’ve tried - I don’t know why Dh seems to think it’s a necessary fixture but he really does.

OP posts:

Whinge · 30/10/2021 12:14

@Dummybegone

I’ve tried - I don’t know why Dh seems to think it’s a necessary fixture but he really does.

So he refuses to discuss it with you?

That doesn't bode well for the future. What would happen if you sat down and said you want to get rid of the dummies?

MrsFin · 30/10/2021 12:16

Have you tried "losing" it?

Miliao · 30/10/2021 12:17

Apologies then, I don’t know as never used them - I can’t stand them! But I know plenty of adults that used to have them and they can all speak properly!

Original poster

Dummybegone · 30/10/2021 12:19

He has several.

It’s not that he refuses to discuss it, he just seems to think the dummy is needed - I don’t know why.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 30/10/2021 12:20

Dummies can have a massive impact on speech development. It’s truly awful seeing children with them constantly in their mouths, only taking them out to eat or mumble something when they really have to.

This isn’t a parenting choice that you have to compromise on. Your DH is doing something that will have a direct negative impact on your child’s development, and he needs to stop.

You need to look up some research, get your HV to talk to him, whatever it takes to stop your DH doing this.

20viona · 30/10/2021 12:20

How old is he? My daughter only had it for sleep time from 6 months and I cut the end off at 2 and she's never had it since. I thought it would be worse but she really did well.

MiloAndEddie · 30/10/2021 12:21

Mine had them but only for sleeping. Or very very occasionally while awake but poorly. It stayed in their bed.
I’d just take it out every time your DH puts it in and stick it back in their bed and just keep saying he doesn’t need it!

NailsNeedDoing · 30/10/2021 12:22

www.nurseryworld.co.uk/features/article/speech-in-the-clear

steppingcarefully · 30/10/2021 12:24

Show your DH some images of children's teeth from using a dummy! It is highly likely to have an impact on your DS's speech as he won't learn to form words properly if he's trying to speak with the dummy in. Also because his teeth will be out of line that can affect his speech too. It's fine to use as a comforter for sleep whilst he is still young.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 12:25

I'm dead against dummies for babies older than 9-10m.
until that age it can be a useful tool for self-soothing especially at bedtime or when ill.
after that they can become too dependent on it.

I can't actually remember which one of mine had a dummy until 8m (some weee never interested, sucked their thumb instead or lost interest before 6m) at which point I just took it away.
they had a few fussy nights then forgot about it.

both dummies and thumbsucking can alter shape of gums & jaws, change how the facial muscles & teeth develop and yes, they can contribute to speech & communication issues.
toddlers who have a dummy in all the time while playing have been observed to talk way less to themselves (I can't remember why but it's not desirable).

lose the dummy before your DS turns one.

Whinge · 30/10/2021 12:26

@Dummybegone

He has several.

It’s not that he refuses to discuss it, he just seems to think the dummy is needed - I don’t know why.

But he is refusing to discuss it. You both agree DS needs it when he's upset or at night, as it calms him and helps him sleep.

Ask your DH why your son needs it during the day, when he's perfectly happy. He can't give you a reason, as there isn't one. So tell him there's no need for DS the dummy and remove it.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 12:27

also read about excessive oral stimulation

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 30/10/2021 12:27

Ds1 never had a dummy, Ds2 did as it was recommended by the paediatrician as he had severe reflux and it helps with the reflux. He had it in all the time for the reflux (prescription formula, slept upright on me during the day, propped cot so never laid flat etc so really bad reflux.)

He did have speech issues as they talk with the dummy in their mouths. Ds finally stopped waking at night from reflux at aged 8. He had a dummy until he was 3, had speech therapy in pre-school nursery and definitely continued into first term of reception as I have video of him in school uniform mastering a word he couldn't say.

You need to tell your Dh that he doesn't need the dummy if he is not crying for it. It will cause issues later on and if you can just reserve it for sleep then it will be much easier to break the habit later on.

Wren77 · 30/10/2021 12:29

Yes dummies can impact speech very much so and the development of the oral cavity / alignment of teeth. I am a SLT (adults) but when I worked with children I met children who had a dummy in constantly and their consonant sounds were all made at the back of the mouth - if you think about P T D sounds they are made at the front but if you have a dummy in you can't achieve those sounds because the dummy is in the way. So for e.g. the word PAT might be pronounced KAK and DOG as GOG. (G and K are made at the back of the mouth) For normal speech development to occur the baby shouldn't have the dummy in all the time.

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