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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this care home visiting is restrictive and unfair?

47 replies

Bitconfused75 · 30/10/2021 09:15

My mum is in a care home with dementia and has been declining rapidly over the last six months.

She lives in a privately owned care home with 14 residents and since the start of Covid the visiting seems to have got worse and worse.

The home had an outbreak of covid about 4 months ago and stopped visits for a month after that. I really understand how hard it must be for the staff but not to see my mum has been incredibly difficult.

The policy up until now for visits has been garden visits with a lateral flow test and full PPE - one a week per resident or a window visit with her on the phone on one side of the window and us on the other talking to her. She often struggles to use the phone and there's no privacy as she's in the TV room so not ideal at.all.

Now the plan is for one visit per day for the whole home for 15 minutes. That day's visitor needs to be vaccinated and wearing full PPE.
Each resident is allowed one designated person to visit.
So chances are I'll be able to see my mum once a fortnight for 15 minutes wearing full PPE so she won't recognise me and I can't even give her a hug.

The home owners won't speak to families - it's all on the staff who are doing an amazing job of caring for my mum but it feels incredibly detrimental to mum's mental health and I'm struggling with it.

Anyone had similar or has had a more positive experience?

OP posts:

dangermouseisace · 30/10/2021 10:19

BTW it doesn’t matter that your mum is self funding, she’s a vulnerable adult so would still come under their safeguarding umbrella.

SarahBop · 30/10/2021 10:20

@dangermouseisace

Call your local social services help desk and ask for advice. The home need to be able to justify why they have such a restrictive policy and given that we have lateral flow tests, and vaccinations, I’d doubt they’d be able to. I’d be questioning whether such a restrictive policy would be emotional abuse. I work for SS and have not come across any homes with restrictions like this recently.

Thank you. I'm glad there are other voices of reason.

There is a much bigger picture here, isn't there. Most people have been vaccinated, it shouldn't be an issue anymore - definitely bigger things at play here

SarahBop · 30/10/2021 10:22

@dangermouseisace

BTW it doesn’t matter that your mum is self funding, she’s a vulnerable adult so would still come under their safeguarding umbrella.

But yet unvaccinated people can visit relatives in hospitals?

What is the difference?

Plus I'm assuming the majority of the carehome residents have been vaccinated with this amazing vaccine, so in theory they wouldn't get very ill anyway.

The restrictions are definitely draconian and not in line with guidance. This needs raising.

CinderFuckingRe11a · 30/10/2021 10:24

I have an elderly aunt in a very expensive private home. I can go and see her in her room whenever I want for as long as I want as long as I have done a lateral flow test that day.

This seems insane. Surely unlawful?

QueenofKattegat · 30/10/2021 10:26

Anyone who doesn't meat these requirements can do a 'pod' visit, a small screened off seating area where you can speak with the residnet but no contact

This is abhorrent. I cannot believe people accept this. Who the hell decides that an adult can't have contact with their family? These are competent adults I assume? It is disgusting that we have come to this.

ancientgran · 30/10/2021 10:30

@CinderFuckingRe11a

I have an elderly aunt in a very expensive private home. I can go and see her in her room whenever I want for as long as I want as long as I have done a lateral flow test that day.

This seems insane. Surely unlawful?

My aunt is the same. The thing that troubles me is they don't supervise the test, you just tell them you did a negative and maybe I'm not a trusting person but I'm not 100% convinced that everyone will have done a test or that they would say it was positive if they wanted their visit.

I know the problem is they are short staffed and don't have the spare staff to supervise tests but it is still a worry.

IsleofRum · 30/10/2021 10:31

I work in a privately owned nursing home in Scotland. Inside visits out with meal times 7 days a week. We ask you book the visit. No limits on time with relative. We ask no earlier that 10.30 am if poss and no later that leaving at around 7.30 pm. Test either on arrival lateral flow or evidence of s test in last three days.
We try to make things as normal as possible. You can take your relative out if suitable and appropriate.

ZenNudist · 30/10/2021 10:31

It's horrible but covid is still ripping through care homes so you can understand the caution.im not a covid worrier but I was shocked to hear how many died in the care home my friend works in. Only recently.

ancientgran · 30/10/2021 10:31

@QueenofKattegat

Anyone who doesn't meat these requirements can do a 'pod' visit, a small screened off seating area where you can speak with the residnet but no contact

I suppose the owners set the rules as in any business, people can always choose another home.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 10:37

1 visit per week by named visitor named visitor can change every 2 weeks (they make exception if a relative has had to travel miles and hardly sees them). In their room. In PPE if want to hug.

JellyTots2009 · 30/10/2021 10:37

That does seem restrictive. We have a covid / visiting policy for our care home.

We can have more than one person visit, they have to stay in the residents room for the duration of the stay. It's usually 30 minute visit but most stay over, if they have travelled far we turn a blind eye as long as they are in the room.

Face masks are to be worn at all times, as well as gloves and aprons. No food or drink allowed as that would mean taking the mask and gloves off.

Rooms are cleaned and sanitised after a visit. I'm sure we allow more than one visit per week.

Visitors have to be double jabbed and provide a negative LFT.

We haven't had covid in our home for a long long time.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 10:37

And LFT on the day

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 10:38

@JellyTots2009 sounds similar to my nan's home. The OP's home sounds brutal. But I can understand why they feel cautious if they had an outbreak.

PinkiOcelot · 30/10/2021 10:40

OP are you a member or Rights for Residents on FB? If not I would join. They are brilliant and always there with advice and templates to follow. I’m guessing there’s no such thing as essential care giver at your mam’s home?!

My mam is also in a care home with Alzheimer’s. This past 20 months have been horrific. I thought the visiting at my mam’s home was bad but your is horrific.

I was having a pod visit every week for 30 minutes. My mam was just getting up and walking out after a few minutes which was so upsetting. The manager has let me see her in her room once a week for 30-60 minutes, which has been great. They’re changing things now and it looks like I’ll get to see her once a fortnight. ECG can still have their visits though.

I can take her out and plan to do so on Boxing Day.

Original poster

Bitconfused75 · 30/10/2021 10:41

It is quite frankly shite - and I do understand the fears of the staff and the owners - but they've had more than 18 months to come up with a workable solution.

I just feel devastated that my mum has had such a long period of time alone without the people who know and love her. She's not seen my children in the same room since the first lockdown, even though they were part of her network of carers previously.

I think the lack of contact has had a huge impact on her mental and physical health - she has declined rapidly . I know no one is to blame for covid, but I am so angry that not only has dementia stolen my mum over the last decade, but I can't even see her properly despite being her carer for 8 years.

I think the CQC will be the first point of call.

OP posts:

80sMum · 30/10/2021 10:41

That's awful! Fifteen minutes is nowhere near long enough! It's barely enough time to say hello and for the elderly person to process that you're there and remember who you are.

shinynewapple21 · 30/10/2021 10:49

I agree that is awful OP and may be out of line with current recommendations - although maybe that is down to individual area public health? I'm not sure . Where do you live ?

My mum's home had the one visitor per home rule last Spring, although that was in addition to Pod and outdoor/window visits .

Since the middle of the summer though, this has been changed and as long as visitors have been double jabbed and show a negative lateral flow test on the day of the visit , we can visit as much as we want to. I have to wear a face mask in public areas but this can be removed when I am alone with my mother in her room . Obviously There is a balance in a person with dementia needing to see your face against not wanting to breath directly on them . I tend to remove my mask while chatting or watching TV with her but if I'm helping with food or drink I tend to put it back on.

During lockdown the staff facilitated Skype calls for all residents .

I understand that a lot of care home managers must be worried about impact of Covid if they perhaps lost a lot of residents early on but your mum's home doesn't seem to have moved on with the fact that most people are double (even treble) vaccinated now.

My mum's dementia is quite advanced and she has been resident in her home for 3 years now, she doesn't really remember life outside what she has now but for people who have had to move into residential care over the last couple of years it has been awful . It's not right that your mum's home hasn't moved forward at all and yes I think you need to look at making some complaint to take this forward- as others have suggested .

SarahBop · 30/10/2021 11:01

@JellyTots2009

That does seem restrictive. We have a covid / visiting policy for our care home.

Face masks are to be worn at all times, as well as gloves and aprons. No food or drink allowed as that would mean taking the mask and gloves off.

Rooms are cleaned and sanitised after a visit. I'm sure we allow more than one visit per week.

Visitors have to be double jabbed and provide a negative LFT.

We haven't had covid in our home for a long long time.

Visitors have to be double jabbed and provide a negative LFT.

Genuinely, is this lawful?

I think the is awful. You cannot discriminate against people that have chosen not to have the vaccine.
Vaccinated people can still carry, pass and spread the virus. A negative LFT doesn't really count for much, as the following day they could get a positive one...and therefore have been contagious from the 48hrs prior to the positive flagging up anyway.

I just can't believe how mad the rules are. They literally do not make sense.

I know numerous vaccinated people that are still catching covid, so why are they given special visiting rights, when they're still a risk in terms of covid transmission?

shinynewapple21 · 30/10/2021 11:13

@SarahBop I really don't think the OP would be worried about rules saying she needs to be vaccinated and tested for Covid before she visits her mum - she just wants to be able to see her . We need to have some balance here - I believe that what they have in place in my mum's home is balanced and fair - I can see her as much as I want to and as long as I'm sitting in her room I can remove my mask so she can see me . Why on earth would people not want to put in place what they can to protect their elderly relatives when they visit them? I can't see that your anti-vax stance is going to help the OP get to see her mum at all .

JellyTots2009 · 30/10/2021 12:13

Sarah yes there is a notice before you can come into our care home. It includes contractors and suppliers too that would need to enter the care home.
We had some work done recently in our unit and the man said to me 'oh can't forget my mask I got told off for not wearing it'
Not sure who told him off but we also cant take it off until we are in our cars. So has to be worn in the car park too.

I do believe some rules are a little OTT but I get paid from the company so I follow the rules.

lollipoprainbow · 30/10/2021 12:23

My mum also has advanced dementia but I am allowed to see her once a week, I have to have had a test but I don't have to wear an apron or gloves. The thing that irritates me is that I have to see her in her bedroom which means they have to get her up from her comfy chair in the lounge to walk her along the corridor to her room. Before Covid we could sit in the lounge with her which was so much better. They have a Christmas event coming up where we can help decorate the home but no children are allowed to come !! Why ?? My dd9 would have loved this. I guess all homes are different though.

MatildaTheCat · 30/10/2021 12:23

FIL is in an excellent home and they have had various members of staff test positive and several periods of lockdown but no residents unwell for a long while now.

We can visit unannounced with a LFT brought with us and full PPE indoors. We all struggle with the PPE a bit but accept it of course. They provide clear plastic face masks which do make communication better. I have no doubt they are safety compliant so that’s worth asking about.

Your story makes me furious. The old and sick have human rights that are being trampled on. I assume you can’t take her out either? I would be tempted to move her but you know best on that.

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