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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DD play!?

51 replies

over2021 · 30/10/2021 08:22

DH and I have had a blazing row this morning when he came downstairs to find the front room floor covered in toys and promptly started trying to tidy them up whilst DD (5 YO) was still playing with them Angry

DD loves Barbies so we had various Barbies, clothes, shoes, cars, vets surgery etc set up and she'd been playing independently for a good 45 minutes before he got up whilst I lazed on the sofa drinking tea, no dramas...

He gets up, comes in and just starts picking stuff up and putting back in random boxes. DD starts crying because she's in the middle of some form of vet surgery/shoe shopping/Fashion show and he just carries on. I ask him to stop and he tells me he's fed up with her 'trashing the house'Envy I tell him I'm fed up with him stopping her from playing; in his ideal world she would sit still on the sofa watching telly in a tidy room. We have two reception rooms and a kitchen table so it's easy to sit somewhere else if it really bothers him. When DD had finished playing it would have taken 10 mins max to tidy up properly and put everything away.

We're now not talking which has set the tone for another fan-fucking-tastic weekend Hmm

AIBU to ask him to F off for the weekend so we can relax in our own home and DD can play like a normal kid!?

OP posts:
HoldingTheDoor · 30/10/2021 09:29

I went to the park in the summer and overheard a woman say to her child "will you just stop running around for one second and sit down and eat this pack of crisps" - wtf?! Some people have NO IDEA about child development 

This might not be the case but my friend has two daughters with Cystic Fibrosis and they have to eat a lot of salty foods and high calorie foods, especially when they're going to exercise as they lose salt easily and struggle to keep weight on.

Idony · 30/10/2021 09:38

Imagine how happy little kids would be without shit dads around

Meredith4 · 30/10/2021 09:40

Can you turn the 2nd reception room into a play room?

Original poster
over2021 · 30/10/2021 09:45

@ParmigianoReggiano

This probably comes from his own childhood. Did he live in quite a repressed household?
He lived in a big house, always immaculate, with two brothers. They are all gamers so I don't think they really did 'toys' but always had latest games console.

I grew up in a HA house with second hand toys so played very differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
over2021 · 30/10/2021 09:49

@Meredith4

Can you turn the 2nd reception room into a play room?
It sort of is already- the front room is where we 'play' and the back room is open plan to big kitchen/dining area so we tend to keep that more 'grown up'.

Two kids (eldest is 14) with their own bedrooms so things are mostly kept up there. Younger DD is happy to play alone but likes to play downstairs as opposed to in her room- I prefer this too as I can join in for a few minutes whilst I'm going other stuff and can listen to her made up worlds!

He's generally not a great dad - not particularly present, I do all the 'things' with the kids and he is just sort of 'there'. My dad was the same so I guess I see that as normal.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 30/10/2021 09:58

You sound resigned to living with him.

Maray1967 · 30/10/2021 10:05

I worked as a nanny when I left school and the lady I worked for had divorced the DCs dad because he was like this. She told me that he insisted that no toys were in the living room at all when he came home from work. She said she spent several years sprinting around at 5.30 putting toys away before she flipped and divorced him.

SarahBop · 30/10/2021 10:13

Very sad and unacceptable.

How did he react to making his DD cry?

Personally I'd be looking for an exit, as this sounds shit.

MangoIce · 30/10/2021 10:47

Why did you have several dc with a man who hates dc? Didn’t you realise the first time round?

Onairjunkie · 30/10/2021 12:34

@Bingbong21

He sounds awful.

Its also why SS often say over immaculate homes with kids in can also be a red flag.

Do they say that? Confused my home is immaculate, because I like it that way. Not when my kid is playing, however. I have taught him to put his toys away when he’s done. I hate seeing them scattered around the house. I struggle to believe social services would be concerned about his welfare because I’ve taught him to tidy up, though.

That said, OP’s husband sounds vile. She’s going to become frightened of him and I don’t like to think how that’ll impact how she sees men when she’s grown. Fearfully subservient to men is no way to raise a girl.

Devon1987 · 30/10/2021 12:49

Next time he starts to tidy, tell him it doesn’t need doing but if he is bored he can crack on with hoovering, bed changing etc

mountbattenbergcake · 30/10/2021 12:59

He’s a fucking twat, especially when I think of the mountains/lava games we played in our living room as kids, even removing the sofa cushions.

TaraR2020 · 30/10/2021 13:21

Ah your poor daughter :(

Mojoj · 30/10/2021 13:26

Does he have MH problems? Either way, he's an arsehole.

Tee20x · 30/10/2021 13:42

Ugh. Reading things like this is just getting really depressing. Tell him to fuck off and let her play. Did he think you were going to give birth to a middle aged person who would just be a quiet background character in your lives?

ChargingBuck · 30/10/2021 13:53

in his ideal world she would sit still on the sofa watching telly in a tidy room

WTF is wrong with him? Did he WANT to have a child? If so, how has he managed to remain so ignorant about child development, & what children need? Does he think she is a little dolly, who he can put out of his mind when she becomes inconvenient?

We're now not talking which has set the tone for another fan-fucking-tastic weekend

So he has form for kicking off & poisoning the family atmosphere?
Making everything about him?
Expecting all to go as he dictates?

AIBU to ask him to F off for the weekend so we can relax in our own home and DD can play like a normal kid!?

YANBU.
Does he have to come back?

Notaroadrunner · 30/10/2021 13:56

Fuck off for the weekend?? Let him fuck off for good.

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2021 14:31

Fuck that shit. My ex husband used to do similar sometimes, hence why he is now an ex. It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it. Children should not be made to feel bad for playing. Sad

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 30/10/2021 14:41

It's a child's right to play.

I used to love seeing my dd play, so important for their imagination and ability to make sense of the world.

To let DD play!?
pointythings · 30/10/2021 14:42

That's not OK. You need to lay it out for him - your 5yo is allowed to play and that's an end of it. Don't stay with a shitty dad, it only gets worse.

LolaSmiles · 30/10/2021 14:45

Having a bad mood and tidying up in a stroppy way is bad enough, but I get the impression he seems to have form for throwing his weight around and creating a toxic atmosphere if things aren't done his way.

I get the impression that this is the tip of the iceberg and he's not a pleasant partner to have.

Chewieboora · 30/10/2021 14:52

Yep, leave him. Seems symptomatic of a bigger picture. Ex h would not allow DS to have his toys out and was generally an abusive horrible arsehole. You deserve to live in a house without a horrible atmosphere.

TrickOrTreat21x · 30/10/2021 14:54

Your poor daughter. YANBU. I would purposely make a point of it and get the barbies out every single day to piss him off. Who begrudges their child for simply playing? Confused

SparrowNest · 30/10/2021 15:30

He sounds like a bully with extremely unreasonable expectations of his daughter. The fact he performatively tidies up when you have friends over, no doubt huffing and puffing like a martyr, but makes himself scarce when there’s housework to be done without an audience, is a huge red flag too.

I think you need to tell him straight that it’s not reasonable behaviour, and that both your daughter and you are allowed to temporarily create mess in your own house as long as it’s tidied afterwards. It’s your home not a show house! Maybe he’ll listen, if not then you have to consider whether living like this is going to make you or your kids happier than the alternative.

TotallySuper · 30/10/2021 17:08

You sound fed up and at the end of your tether OP. Get rid of him.

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