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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was DM unreasonable to do this?

24 replies

Grapeexpectations · 29/10/2021 22:40

DM lives abroad. My baby, her first grandchild was born in summer, she came to visit when baby was around 5 weeks old.
We live in a two bed, so she slept in the day bed in the second room which is made up as the baby's room. It didn't matter much as the baby was obviously in with us, just we had to move all her stuff for night changes into our room which was a bit of a pain.

Anyway, she's just come to visit for a long weekend and when planning the visit she said she would book into the Holiday Inn across the road as we were all a bit on top of each other last time. I said yes, that would be a good idea. (When I say across the road I mean you can literally see it from our front window! So not far at all)

So I pick her up from the airport, and ask if she wants to come to the house first or drop her stuff at the hotel first? To which she says, well she hasn't actually booked the hotel yet....

She said she would come to mine first and if it was inconvenient to stay then she was planning to book in. My opinion is that she never had any intention of booking in, and did that so she could just stay at ours regardless.

So for the sake of a few days, at that point I would have felt too guilty for turning her away into a hotel (even though that was the original plan!)

But was she being unreasonable/manipulative to do that in the first place?

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 29/10/2021 22:47

You have a spare room so her staying wouldn’t bother me. But she suggested the hotel so it’s a bit weird that she didn’t book it. Maybe she wanted you to say don’t worry.

Original poster

Grapeexpectations · 29/10/2021 22:51

There's probably a bit of a back story that's difficult to define, but let's just say I can only take so much of her company... so I was quite pleased when she suggested the hotel herself.

Now I feel like she didn't book it so I have to be the bad guy by saying 'you can't stay at ours' or 'you said you were staying there so why aren't you' if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 29/10/2021 22:54

It's a bit weird, but you'd already invited her to stay so I don't think it is a huge deal.

LittleOwl153 · 29/10/2021 22:55

It does sound a bit manipulative to be. Either that or she was making a flippant comment to begin with and didn't expect you to take her up on it. How is the money situation - was she expecting you to book it if that's what you want?

Next visit baby will be in their own room I'd imagine so she will need to sleep elsewhere or on the sofa... maybe that will change her view.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 22:56

Just sounds weird.

She told your that she booked a hotel, and then didn't

SpookyPumpkinPants · 29/10/2021 22:57

Thankfully it's only a long weekend!

Next time, tell her (before she comes) you'll be dropping her at the hotel so she can get sorted and wander over when she's ready.

RandomMess · 29/10/2021 22:57

You definitely know for next time that you need to be clear that she books in elsewhere. Start looking for a cheap air B&B or similar.

Original poster

Grapeexpectations · 29/10/2021 23:01

@Stompythedinosaur the point is I didn't invite her to stay! She said she was planning to come to the UK and would stay across the road this time.

OP posts:

grey12 · 29/10/2021 23:18

Is the baby sleeping in the room now?

If so, do you have a place for your mother to stay?

My mum used to sleep in an inflatable bed in the living room when she visited

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 23:20

So just tell her she can't stay

HikingforScenery · 29/10/2021 23:28

Could the issue be around money? Next time. N maybe you could book the hotel for her? Then you’ll know she’s booked it

Cheeseplantboots · 29/10/2021 23:37

I’d just suck it up for a few days . I mean taking a couple of nappies and a packet of wipes into your room isn’t really much of a pain is it?!

Cherrysoup · 29/10/2021 23:48

I would have taken her to the hotel and told her to get settled then come over. Did she just bamboozle you into going to your house? I’d remind her she said she was staying in hotel-the room now has the baby in so no spare room for her. Simple.

NailsNeedDoing · 29/10/2021 23:52

I think that was manipulative of her, she knew what she was saying when she said it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/10/2021 00:08

Next time I’d book it for her!

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 00:12

She lied to you, and that would really piss me off, personally. Why do that? Your mother is very rude.

Peach01 · 30/10/2021 00:16

It doesn't sound manipulative to me, just a bit...thoughtless? How definite were the hotel plans?
If she said she was staying at a hotel I would expect her to do that. Under the circumstances since she hadn't booked I would let it slip. Next time make sure living arrangements are crystal clear.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 00:30

pfft, it's difficult to decide without knowing if she has form to be manipulate or passive aggressive etc.

I'm inclined to give her the benefit of doubt - maybe when you talk she intended to book a room but perhaps forgot or later realised she'd rather not spend the money.

Maybe she was anxious about it getting overwhelming, so she thought of an exit strategy and wanted to test your reaction in advance - not to be manipulative but to avoid confrontation when it's too late.
I suffer from anxiety so I can totally see that going on, I have done similar and would HAVE to do it again in certain situations or else I couldn't even go!

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2021 00:30

Going against the grain here but I think it’s awful that she’s travelled all that way to see you and you begrudge her camping out at yours for 3 days. How awful to feel so unwanted by your own daughter. Do you ever go to visit her OP? And where do you stay if/when you do?

Coyoacan · 30/10/2021 05:13

I agree with Pinksico. How sad that you couldn't put you mother up for three days

notsorighteousthesedays · 30/10/2021 05:39

I hear you OP! My mother would do the same sort of stuff all the time. She will literally say anything to get her own way. She was/is fully aware how difficult it is to challenge the behaviour and now she really is a little old lady she has no hesitation in pulling the same tricks on friends, relatives, health care professionals etc etc.

You can try not to take it 'personally' - my mum felt she had to fight for her share as a child and this has given her very sharp elbows! I think part of it is they genuinely believe they are reasonable because they rarely get challenged. Of course that is because they have manipulated the situation but they can easily overlook that part!!

It's hard work trying to manage such behaviour - I limit physical visits and maintain phone and social media which is less intrusive.

Try and find what you can cope with and do that - don't let appearances / what other people may think influence you.

Make peace with your decisions - enjoy your baby and your family.

Remember, you can love someone AND not tolerate their behaviour. Best of luck.....

Aprilx · 30/10/2021 05:45

I don’t know what was behind her suggesting the hotel. But I think it is pretty awful that you would want your mother to stay in the hotel across the road for the sake of a few nights. I didn’t understand why getting something out of a room would be such a problem either. I’d stop visiting you if I were her, I know when I am not wanted.

FinallyHere · 30/10/2021 10:11

She said she would come to mine first and if it was inconvenient to stay then she was planning to book in.

Tinkly laugh.

Oh mother, you are so funny. Of course you are going to stay at the hotel.

Starseeking · 30/10/2021 10:23

Your DM was extremely unreasonable to do this, she knew you wouldn't turf her out once she got to your house and was comfortable.

The issue is you feel blindsided because it wasn't planned in advance, and there's not a huge amount of space for that many people.

I'd suck it up on this occasion, and if she mentions going into a hotel, just agree with her and sympathise that you are all on top of each other.

Next time she suggests coming, I'd book the hotel for her, then when you pick her up from the airport say you are going to drop her there, then she can come over once she's settled. In future you will all enjoy her visits much more than you do at present.

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