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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell your friend?

42 replies

PumpkinPop · 29/10/2021 19:50

Going to try and keep this as brief as possible but theres a fair bit of background…
My friend’s husband has cheated on her (casually, its fair to say) with another married woman who lives in the same town as us. NOT sex - I believe we’re talking about a few drunken fumbles (at least one in the loo - yuck) at dinner parties ect. It’s definitely happened more than once, not sure how many times, but not more than a handful. I know this because my husband was told by a mutual friend (who heard straight from the man himself).

It’s over now. The man who messed around has allegedley expressed regret (to his mates), said it was all drunken idiocy, and sworn them to secrecy . But everyone has told at least one person and the list of people who know is slowly growing…

Would you tell your friend, knowing that it wasn’t a full blown affair? Initially I wanted to keep quiet and forget all about it, but people won’t stop talking about it now. I feel like the gossip will hurt her more than the actual act. As for the other married woman I don’t personally know her and no idea whether shes told anyone. Her marriage also looks fine from the outside.

OP posts:
SpookyPumpkinPants · 29/10/2021 19:53

I would get DH to tell him to tell her BEFORE she hears it on the grapevine!

Original poster
PumpkinPop · 29/10/2021 19:56

Fair enough but I know he won’t. This has been going on (the gossip) for a few months now and he is showing no sign of stopping it by telling her. Instead they seem to be turning down invitations and avoiding certain people though.

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 29/10/2021 19:59

No

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2021 19:59

Would you tell your friend, knowing that it wasn’t a full blown affair?

It's a "full blown" affair in my book. Physical intimacy is an affair, "full" sex or no.

Your poor friend is being made a fool of, and if I were her, I would want to know.

immersivereader · 29/10/2021 19:59

NOT sex -

^

Yeah, sure

TrueRefuge · 29/10/2021 19:59

Are you closer to your friend than your DH is to the husband? Or is it a group friendship kind of thing?

It's a tough decision. If it was a really close friend, depending on the validity of the source, I'd probably feel the need to say what I heard. With everyone else knowing, he's essentially making a mug of her, and I don't think she'll appreciate knowing that her close friends knew, and everyone knows except her. You'd feel a fool. I think that's the difference versus a situation where you perhaps witnessed something and nobody else knew. If she (inevitably) finds out, she will feel so humiliated.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/10/2021 20:02

I would keep out. Don't shoot the messenger is a saying for a good reason.

Original poster
PumpkinPop · 29/10/2021 20:05

I would say we are equally close to them as a couple. They are friends but we don’t see them more than a few times a year. DH wouldn’t support my decision to tell her so Id either have to go behind his back or find another way to tell her (anon letter or something which feels awful)
I don’t doubt the source though. Dh thinks it is true without doubt.

OP posts:
Wynston · 29/10/2021 20:06

If I didn't see something for myself first hand I feel really uncomfortable telling anyone anything.

Walkingalot · 29/10/2021 20:06

It must be horrible to hear things like that which concern your friend. Have you talked to your DH about you possibly telling her?
It wasn't a one-off and people are gossiping about it. I'd want to know.

Walkingalot · 29/10/2021 20:07

Sorry x post.

caringcarer · 29/10/2021 20:20

My exh cheated on me and I was so grateful to one of my friends who plucked up courage to tell me. Tell her on her own and make her aware their is gossip. What she chooses to do is up to her but allow her to make an informed choice.

Original poster
PumpkinPop · 29/10/2021 20:21

I would want to know if it’s me. But why do so many people think you should keep quiet in these situations? Why? Because it might not be true? I am totally sure it’s true. My DH doesn’t want me to say anything because he doesn’t want to lose the husband as a friend. Not a good enough reason in my opinion.

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 29/10/2021 20:23

Mind your own business

VladmirsPoutine · 29/10/2021 20:25

In a situation like this she'll eventually find out. If you do say something then you'll be among the chorus of 'Bob told Janet who told Jane who told Paul... and it wasn't sex it was touching but I'm not sure but they definitely kissed and Sarah's bahmitzvah'. It's all too much. Say nothing.

Original poster
PumpkinPop · 29/10/2021 20:27

@VladmirsPoutine I can see your point. But when she does find out do I deny that I ever knew?

OP posts:
ScottishNewbie · 29/10/2021 20:27

Of course you should tell her. If I found out my 'friend' knew and didn't give me a heads up, I would never speak to them again.

Shizen · 29/10/2021 20:28

I would tell her. She will eventually find out, and then she may ask you if you knew….

northerngirl142947 · 29/10/2021 20:29

Would she tell you in this situation? Personally I would tell her

TheMooch · 29/10/2021 20:32

If it was my close friend, I'd tell her. Because so many other know and more are hearing about it. I would be fuming if my friend knew and didn't tell me. But that's because our friendship could take it.

If it wasn't a close friend I'm not so sure.

VillKrill · 29/10/2021 20:37

If it were my DH and I found out my friends had known and didn’t tell me, they wouldn’t be my friends for much longer. Personally I’d let her know even though yes, she may well shoot the messenger.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 29/10/2021 20:40

I wouldn't. You don't know if she already knows and won't take kindly to you participating in the gossip.

Equally it won't end well if you shatter her dream of what she thinks her life is.

In both cases you will be the villain. The sentiment is well meant but it's his job to tell her if he hasn't already. Just be there for her when the inevitable eventually happens.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 29/10/2021 20:41

Personally if I know him too I would say look, I’ve heard from several sources that this has happened, you don’t want to know if it’s true or not as it’s not your business but you do care about your friend and people gossiping about her marriage so either he tells her what people are saying or you will because you don’t want her finding out from someone who dosnt care about her.

I would want to know. I’ve been there where others, friends and family didn’t feel it was their place to say anything, it’s a total cop out.

HeartsAndClubs · 29/10/2021 20:45

You heard it from your DH who heard it from a friend who heard it from the bloke. So all 3rd hand then, and could well be chinese whispers by the time it got to you.

I certainly wouldn’t be relaying “heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it….” Information. There is no way of knowing what is true or not.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 29/10/2021 20:46

I always say on these threads that I think people should let the spouse now - because I would desperately want someone to tell me if it were my husband cheating!