To think my mum is behaving strange

[Graceful5454]

My mum is emotionally unavailable I think. My memories over the years are just not getting a Healthy response to anything that made me worry or sad. No hugs or kisses. Very much a stop crying and don't be silly. She was harsh! But she met our other needs.

As an adult and particularly since I had my daughter in 2015 I've learned alot. For a couple of years I was sorter angry at her. I walked around going over her in my head all the time and if I was out walking I'd be just thinking about her behaviour. She's never there for the moments other people's mums seem to treasure.

Life has carried on and I separated from.my children's dad at Christmas. We had grown apart and I wasn't happy. There's nothing malicious about the split but we stopped being intimate and grew apart. No sex for 2 years at the time of splitting. He was gutted and didn't want to give up. I ended up waiting a few months to let him process it. Then I'd met and fell in love with someone over the spring and summer of this year. I'd go as far as saying this is the feeling I've never had before. We just have the biggest bond and I want to go long term with him.

We've kept it quiet because my ex hasn't told his parents. My parents were told a few months ago we had split. But i wanted to keep it for just me and him for now as I am happy and don't want everyone's opinions and questions right now.

Anyway to the point my best friend is online dating. She's ended up accidently talking to 2 ex criminals and her friends including me knew stuff about these men and warned her. My mum knows about this and sent me the most strange text this morning. Saying she had been thinking and didn't want me using apps to meet men and i was better of single. Told me not to copy her. I think her presuming I'd be copying her made me text her back and say I've never used any apps to meet men. But I do have a male friend I do date and spend time with now. She replied back and rwbted for 4 messages about my friends behaviour and completely ignored what I said about my situation.

I feel like once again she's shut me down and refused to acknowledge me like an adult.

What would you do now?

I’m sorry your mum has behaved this way. I would say that this is possibly her way of showing love and trying to protect you. These instances with your friends must make her worried for you being back out dating. Thank her for the advice. It’s well meaning, even if inappropriate for your situation.

Her experience may be why she can’t be vulnerable with you and show affection. I’m sorry she can’t be better.

There isn't anything to do, op. Your mother is who she is, nothing you say or do will change her. You'll be a lot happier if you let go of any resentment and just accept her for who she is. She will never be the mum you need, and you'll never be able to depend on her for emotional support. I'm truly sorry for that.

My mother is like this, and always has been. She struggles to show emotion. It’s who she is and I accept it - just because she is a mother it doesn’t mean she has to fit into some idealised mould. She is a human in her own right and has her own limitations and experiences that shaped her. People never seem to have these expectations of fathers either, at least not to the same extent.

My mother is fantastic at other things which are supportive - she’s practical and calm in a crisis, and has always helped me when I’ve needed it. I have other people in my life who I can rely on for emotional support.

Your mother cannot be someone she isn’t OP, and you must accept her for who she is, not compare her to an ideal of motherhood.

And yes I agree with a pp that this is your mum’s way of caring about you. She does love you, she just struggles to show it in a conventional way.

Mine is the same. She’s become a covid conspiracist and sent my brother and me texts urging us not to get the vaccine. He and I had a laugh about it (she was too late anyway), but I know she only sent it because she loves us and didn’t want us to come to any harm (as she sees it).