Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

55, Domestic Abuse and Soon to be Homeless

50 replies

YouLookLikeVivieneLeigh · 28/10/2021 21:42

I hate having to write out my problem, but I have no one, and I truly mean no one in my life to turn to.
I will try to keep this short. Please don't be too hard on me, as I am not in a great place mentally.
Partner of 15 years. Moved into his mortgaged house 13 years ago, when I was unwell with a breakdown. He asked me to stay permanently, so I gave up my rented house, and moved in fully.
I had a good job but due to my mental health issues, had to leave.
I used my own money to support myself.
I often asked if I could contribute to the mortgage and it be made a joint one, but he refused. He drew up and signed documents that said should he die, I would get the house, pension and his insurances.
I am so stupid for putting my faith in him, thinking he would not ever ask me to leave.
Found out a few years ago, partner cheated, through finding pics of my partner on a laptop of his, of him in various sexual positions with a pair of Swingers. It devastated me, and since then I have never felt the same about him.
I could not leave due to having nowhere to live that I could afford.
Years passed, but over the years he sometimes has lashed out at me and hit me, and it hurt. I would go mad at him for doing what he did, and again I wanted to leave but had nowhere or no one to turn to.
The mental health team knew, and my GP. I could not get help with housing because I had no children.
Partner hit me again a couple of days ago. I am bruised and sore. I stood up to him. He screamed that he wants me out of his house.
This time I have to go.
I have barely any money and cannot afford any of the rentals in my area or in fact any area!
He has said he will give me some money but it will not cover more than a few months rent.
I am now late 50s. I have applied for so many properties over the past 48 hours, but I cannot afford them to be honest, and the criteria for so many is so strict, that there is no way I would get one.
The Council told me as I am single with no children that I am not a priority.
I dont want to turn to Refuge and charities like that. I am not hit constantly, just every so many months, maybe once a year.
My mental health is quite bad, and I take anti depressants which help, but I have to monitor my stress carefully or I spiral.
I cannot let him hit me again. I dont want to be homeless however.
Please can anyone suggest alternatives which I may not have thought of? I dont have anyone at all in my life, which was my decision but due to my mental health, i pushed people away, plus people think I am odd when they get to know me.
Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Lalastepmum · 28/10/2021 22:44

The council have a duty to safeguard domestic abuse victims. They may try and put you in a refuge.
The police don’t need witnesses. Please call the police they will remove you to a place of safety.

Ilovemycatsomuch · 28/10/2021 22:49

I think you have been given the wrong information by housing. Council's do house single people with no children. They have one bedroom flats (all be it in short supply), but they won't house families in those flats because they would be classed as overcrowded. One bedroom flats are allocated to single people or couples without children. So if you can give them the facts of your situation they might be able to help you. I was allocated a one bed council flat, as a single childless woman last year. I had different circumstances to you, but I was not working and desperately needed to move because of some extremely difficult circumstances. It did take nearly a year from when I applied until when I got the flat. If you can show you will be homeless your council may allocate you temporary housing while you wait for a permanent home (it might be a hostel or b&b but it will be safer than where you are now).

You will be able to apply for universal credit to cover the rent and living expenses until you are able to start working again.

I'm pretty sure that by law all councils have a duty to help people at risk of homelessness. They don't have to allocate you social housing but they might be able to give you the deposit for a private let and give you a list of private landlords who accept people in your circumstances. They should also be able to help you apply for benefits and work out which benefits you qualify for. I know that in my area, it's called the crisis prevention team.

Can you go to your local council office and speak to someone in person. Again, I know it's different everywhere, but where I live you can just turn up and join a que to speak to someone at the enquiry desk. If you can do that then do it, and tell them how desperate you are.

I know it's really hard to sort out all of these things while you are under such immense stress, but just take it step by step and get as much help as you can find.

Also do a Google search for charities in your area...you might be able to find all kinds of organisations that can help you. And then contact them all and tell them how much you need there help. You might be surprised by how much help is available if you ask for it.

Also, if you do go to A&E with 'just' bruises after being assaulted....many A&Es have Domestic Violence teams attached and they can come and see you and talk to you/help you. Most A&Es also have mental health Liasion teams who may also see you.

You think you are unworthy of help because you don't have children or you haven't been abused enough yet, but that's not true! You need and deserve help, but you are going to have to ask for it, so I hope you can start believing that you deserve help. Because it will be hard to ask for help if you feel you don't deserve it. It can feel like a battle to get help, because there are so many people in need, so you do need to be quite determined and fight for what you need sometimes.

You sound like a lovely person who is having a terrible time, and you are definitely worthy of being helped. I hope you can find some safety.

I hope I am not sounding like I think it's easy... It know it's not. And I know different services exist in different areas, so there might be less available where you live compared to where I live. I only know about some of things because I have also endured some extreme difficulties in the past, and have had to get help from various services. It was hard and I had to constantly ask for what I needed, find things out myself, chase people up etc. It was exhausting and literally nearly broke me. But if you don't have anyone in your life that can help, then you need to be your own advocate until you find some help.

ParkingPassG0 · 28/10/2021 23:15

I believe that you can go into any pharmacy & request a private consultation, in a private room.
Once there you can ask for hp with domestic violence.

Lalastepmum · 28/10/2021 23:22

@ParkingPassG0

I believe that you can go into any pharmacy & request a private consultation, in a private room. Once there you can ask for hp with domestic violence.
Ask for ani

That’s the scheme. Mainly Boots but some pharmacies do. TSB also do a similar scheme.

thetwojulies · 28/10/2021 23:33

Please please get help, go to whoever you have to go too and get help. You're so used to this being your life that everything else feels scary and too much to handle.
Please please trust me and everyone else that has been through this when we say 'yes it's not easy, and you will feel like giving up and accepting your life for what it currently is' because you have been abused to accept this.
We have come out the other side, I can't speak for everyone but now I'm genuinely the happiest I've ever been and I now know my worth.
There is a happy and content life to be had and it's not where you are now. You're worth a lot more

Yummypumpkin · 28/10/2021 23:34

Here is some practical accommodation advice, as you asked for this.

Have you thought or renting a room in a house through www.spareroom.co.uk

Lots of people of all ages do. You would live with one other person probably the house owner about your age. You can search it.

Several jobs come with accommodation. They are desperate for housekeeping staff and bar staff in many rural tourist areas...think Scottish Highlands, Devon, Cornwall. You could work and have accommodation and a fresh start.

Have you investigated benefits? If you put together benefits you can claim as a single person, with your money...what can you afford?

Mossstitch · 28/10/2021 23:38

As someone previously said I'd go down the over 55s sheltered housing route, usually housing associations. I knew someone a few years ago who wanted one, they looked online and rang up. There were 3 vacancies available, it was as simple as going and viewing them all and deciding which they wanted, moved into it in a couple of weeks. They are much cheaper than private renting and secure. Johnny Johnson was the only one I remember but I'm sure there are others. By their nature vacancies come up regularly. This person was even a year younger than the age but had health problems so they allowed them to have it. Good luck, you will feel such peace once you have your own place and able to relax. 💐

ChristmasPlanning · 28/10/2021 23:47

@YouLookLikeVivieneLeigh

What I find crazy is that after he hits me, when I confront him about what he has just done, then he denies hitting me! Does he truly not think he did it? Why did I waste 15 years of my life on him?
It's gaslighting Thanks
makingmiracles · 28/10/2021 23:47

Definitely get on housing list with council. In my area 3beds are like hens teeth, there are not enough and they rarely come up, one bed flats/bungalows however seem to be in constant plentiful supply, lots of over 55 housing round here too so you may find you could get rehoused fairly quickly due to homelessness+DV+your age, you should be fairly high up the priority category. You may have to spend some time in a bnb/hostel to start with before you get allocated but it least it would be a roof over your head until you get somewhere and you’d be safe from DV.

Cryalot2 · 28/10/2021 23:54

Please report to police asap.
Ring refuge and yes they will help. I was in one a short while . I was about your age then and there were several older ladies there.
So do not be afraid. They are nice friendly safe places .you will have your own room and likely bathroom.
Good wishes . They will help in many ways to get you sorted and know your rights.

gonnabeok · 29/10/2021 00:43

OP, Google rooms to rent in your area. There are many older single women who rent rooms out. This may be a cheaper option for you in the mid term.

nimbuscloud · 29/10/2021 00:59

Have you family or family can help you?

nosafeguardingadults · 29/10/2021 01:08

You can get over 55s. Is availability more than younger housing. I was in refuge. Am not that young and have disability problems but am younger than 55 so was hard for me but there was over 55 availablity even in area with waiting list long for under 55. One of the women in the refuge was over 55 and got rehoused quickly.

unicornsarereal72 · 29/10/2021 08:15

Also if he can write a letter saying you are homeless as of x date the council should give you some support. Please makes Some calls for support. There are excellent charities who can give you advice. You may have to go
Into temporary accommodation for a while but you will feel safe and they will support you with the next steps.

It doesn't necessarily have to be police/refuge route. Of course this is an option.

Cattitudes · 29/10/2021 08:28

Do consider that if you report him to the police you might be helping to protect his next victim. Not that you should feel obliged to in order to protect her but you owe nothing to him.

finova · 29/10/2021 08:35

Could you afford a room in a house share? Look for one which includes bills.
Are you able to seek employment or are you too unwell? Cleaners charge £13-£15 an hour round here.

YouLookLikeVivieneLeigh · 29/10/2021 15:25

Thank you all for your help.FlowersFlowersFlowers
I am astounded by the amount of replies.
I have had some excellent advice off you all. I am going to act on it all.
When everything gets sorted, I will update you.
You have all made me feel less down, and given me some hope. Smile Thank You Mumsnet

OP posts:
YouLookLikeVivieneLeigh · 29/10/2021 15:28

Sorry, I said 'all' too many times.
Why do over 55's get singled out for more help? I can understand possibly 65, but...
Anyway, I will update soon, and I am going to contact Refuge. X

OP posts:
ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 29/10/2021 15:28

There are single rooms/flats available in refuges all over the country - not all the accommodation takes children, so you wouldn’t be taking a place from a child. Please call your local women’s aid and have a chat about it x

Yummypumpkin · 29/10/2021 15:30

Inspiring update OP. So glad you're feeling more informed and positive x

Pumpkinsondisplay · 29/10/2021 15:57

I hope you are OK today op...

Corkit · 29/10/2021 15:58

The fact that you don't think your situation warrants taking a refuge space speaks volumes about what this mans abuse has done to you OP. You deserve to be safe every bit as much as anyone else and there are no 'less bad' forms of DV, the fact that you have lost so much of who you once were is evidence of how badly you've been abused.

Refuge isn't just about an immediate safe place to stay, it will give you access to all sorts of support and services to help you get back on your feet and that's exactly what you need and deserve. Having refuges is supposed to remove obstacles to leaving abusive relationships so it would be entirely appropriate to 'take up a place' in your circumstances OP. I know you think there are others 'worse off' but what if the next time he hits you it happens to be a fatal punch? Or he pushes you and you hit your head and die? You are in as much danger as anyone else enduring violence, however infrequent Flowers

Movinghouseatlast · 29/10/2021 16:15

So, some ideas for you.

Live in carer
Live in pub/restaurant work
Room in shared house until you get on your feet.
Pet sitting is a big thing these days. Have a look at Trustedhousesitters.

I have a friend who was in this situation. She moved to a very touristy area with just a suitcase, no friends or family. She got a room in a flat share (she stayed in a b and b for a few weeks first) She then got a job as a carer, and supplemented this with holiday let cleaning. She then started to do gardening work for people. Gradually she has built a life for herself, she has made a lot of friends by joining local Facebook groups, the local Labour party, working at a food bank, that kind of thing. I really admire her because from somewhere she found the strength to move 300 miles from her 'home' and start again at 58.

Another friend left her partner and has been doing temping - she is 60 but has found work. She is in a shitty situation but she is keeping a roof over her head.

Good luck, I really hope you manage to get away from this man who is truly not worthy of you.

Flutteringby · 29/10/2021 17:11

So sorry you're in this horrible situation OP. You sound utterly beaten but you have a chance of a new life, it's not too late.

Do consider a job that provides accommodation. As it happens, I was perusing the Internet on behalf of a friend a similar age to you and found quite a few live in housekeeper jobs. One was simply to look after the dog and they provided a little cottage!! Scour the Internet for jobs with accommodation/ live in jobs and also try 'The Lady' magazine. It has online listings .

Ilovemycatsomuch · 30/10/2021 02:51

@YouLookLikeVivieneLeigh

Thank you all for your help.FlowersFlowersFlowers I am astounded by the amount of replies. I have had some excellent advice off you all. I am going to act on it all. When everything gets sorted, I will update you. You have all made me feel less down, and given me some hope. Smile Thank You Mumsnet
I'm so pleased you are feeling positive and feel like you can take some action. Good luck Thanks
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread