AIBU to move my young family abroad?

[BonVoyager]

This is purely hypothetical at the moment.

Would you move a young family abroad for work? I have two preschool aged children. I'm at a point where I'd really like a change of job but a lot of the job openings are abroad.

I really love the idea of moving abroad for a bit. It feels like an adventure, I'd love the kids to learn a second language, I'd like to see the world a bit.

The logistics of it could be (relatively) simple as I work in an industry where it's a very international job market and normal to move around. So I'm not too worried about the practical side of things but I am worried about the emotional effect on my family. It's not a given that it would be easy for DH to find work in another country and it would be a big upheaval for the children.

So my question is, would it be mad to do this? Have you moved abroad with a young family, how was it?

Yes I totally would! I'm an expat brat though. DH won't countenance it.

@BonVoyager I pissed about for far too long basically. I have an ex husband so my kids need to be able to see him when they want…..although he travels a lot so could share some. now the boys have started high school it means countries of choice are limited. I applied for a role in Cyprus earlier in the year, but I really am full of regret for not doing more sooner. My youngest is 5. Hopefully the stars will align one day. There’s nothing here I wouldn’t be happy to leave.

Like my dad always used to say “everywhere is only a day away.”

I've taken the leap and will be taking my husband and kids to live overseas next year for 4/5 years. They'll be aged aged 2&7 when we leave, and my eldest will come back in time to start secondary school.

It's pretty daunting and I can't say I'm confident everything will be smooth sailing - my eldest in particular is extremely close to my parents and will miss them terribly. But my parents enjoy travel and will stay with us for extended periods, so the relationship will still be strong. And overall my husband and I agree it will be an opportunity not to miss.

It depends on so many factors, most notably what education opportunities there are for the kids and what employment opportunities there are for the "trailing spouse". But more and more jobs can be done remotely now, so maintaining a UK- based job isn't out of the question

@InTheLabyrinth

I think for women giving up work I simply wouldn't do it.

Too much of a sacrifice.

As someone childless who lived in the Far East, I loved it.

It was a blast.

I took a leave of absence from a highly paid job, I could also have transferred to an office in the region, but chose not to.

I'm much older now by 30 years and no way would I would not advise a woman to move to a country to support her spouses career.

I have two daughters, not a chance would I do this.

@InTheLabr is the reality that I wouldn't wish for my girls.

We've been living abroad for 6 years now - not quite your situation as our children were all born overseas, but we moved countries again when they were 3 and 1yo. I agree with pp it's a great age for kids to move. My eldest doesn't even remember where he lived before here, and has settled well in a local infant school. That said, he hasn't picked up the language all that quickly despite his age - however the school assure us that he will! Youngest (twins) are in nursery and very happy in their second language environment. Lifestyle is brilliant for families, amazing weather, tons to do, kids welcome everywhere.

Your DH definitely needs to be on board 100%. It's hard to be the one 'following', especially if there's few opportunities to work. My DH and I had a deal when we first went (initial contract was 2 years) that if at the end of it, either of us for any reason was unhappy and wanted to move back, then we would. Now we don't want to!! So consider that possibility as well - that you may be happier abroad and it's a one-way ticket.

The place we ended up just wasnt female friendly. It was a totally patriarchal place, and expat women could teach or nurse. Since I was neither of those, I didn't get too far. Unfortunately, I'm also not a wfh candidate (I worked out of the house during all the covid lockdowns).
It was totally the right thing for us as a unit, however I'm extremely fcuked should DH decide to trade me in or drop down dead. I'm getting there, and am extremely good at my job now. But I dont have the earning power I once had.

I would say, if your DH gets on board, go for it.

I say i want to move from here, but our DS has just started school and i don't really know where we would go to, i would hate to leave my family, so i just couldn't do it but i do think of its an option take it.

When we moved we took the decision that as we were the ones who had moved we were the ones to pay for DParents' flights to visit. Fortunately we were within a short easyjet flight range. Every 6 weeks we would have DM or DPiL coming to stay for a week.

They became seasoned travellers. Worked out how to get assistance through the airports so no long walks. Learned what they needed to bring and each had a drawer with us so they didn't need to bring a lot.

Both sides enjoyed their regular stays though DM used to complain about the cost despite not paying for any part of her journey (DFiL would give her a lift to/from the airport and we would pick her up at our end). Turned out the huge expense was her habit of buying gifts for her other GCs every time she came to visit us.

We moved abroad when our DS was 2, and for us personally it's been worth it. My son went to nursery and school with kids from all over the world (we lived in a capital city with lots of embassies so very international) and learnt about different cultures. He made so many friends, as did we and the experiences we had there were incredible. We've now moved to another foreign country and while it's still interesting and lots of fun, it's not the same. Our son really struggled to adapt and missed his old home, we had a lot of tears.We've been here 18 months now and he's made lots of friends, feels settled and is picking up the language which is great. But seeing how hard it was to move a 6 yo compared to a 2yo, we've decided that once we're done here we'll be settling in the uk for the rest of his childhood. He misses his family and friends in the UK too and he'll be approaching his teens when the work contract here expires so we'd rather settle than uproot him again. So if you are going to do it I'd recommend doing it while your kids are young and do your research. How safe is it? Can you get back to the uk easily in an emergency? What will your children be able to do? How much time and energy will you have to learn a new language if you move to a country that doesn't speak English? I am learning the language here and it is hard and time consuming - but it needs to be done because not being able to communicate with ease here makes life really hard and limits what you can do with your kids.

Speaking as an expat who moved and never came back, bi- or tri- lingualism is a great gift to give your DC. The earlier they learn a new language or two the better. It helps brain development & boosts strategic thinking apparently. They use a different part of the brain to learn a language over the age of eight I think it is, something like that, which is why it is harder to learn a language as an adult. Expands the horizons, gain an appreciation of another culture, travel etc. All good, especially for dc. Contacts have to be put in place for your DH though, and a bit of job hunting/networking ahead of time. Good luck!

We moved abroad when DS was 18 months old. He'd already had exposure to the community language before we moved and understood it perfectly well, but refused to speak it until he was about 3. He went to a bilingual nursery from the start, so it was fine if he chose to speak English. He's 4 now and has no memory of living in England. He will attend a bilingual school here. It will give us the chance to move back at any point, should we choose to.
Our situation is a little different, though. We are in the EU. Both DS and I have EU citizenship, so DH is entitled to a work permit even though he only has British citizenship. We are both teachers and he's been working for most of the time we've been here. We aren't at the same school, though. 😀

We've just done it and overall I think it's going to work out but we're still quite new so there are some teething problems. We have 1 ds who has settled into his bilingual nursery so well. He absolutely loves it which really helps. Both DH and I are working so career wise it works for both of us and there's lots of advantages to our new country. The challenges have been that I underestimated how tricky it is to explore, meet people and get life admin done with a toddler and in a new language. There's a lot of things to set up when you arrive and we've had to turn down invites where we could meet people as we haven't had a babysitter etc. He's also not really at an age where museums/other things I'd like to see are his thing but we have got to visit lots of parks etc. We're just starting to feel settled and overall I'm glad we've done it but just be realistic that the first six months is an adjustment, especially with pre-schoolers but my DS has definitely settled and made friends (as much as 15 month olds do) quicker than us! Just thought I'd share our experience.

This thread has given me the courage to start applying to jobs and see what happens, thank you so much all. These are the things I needed to hear.

@Dizzyhedgehog I'm interested in what you said about your DH can work because you are an EU citizen as this is the same situation as us. Did you have to apply for a visa or anything like this for your DH or was he automatically allowed to work because of your EU citizenship?

We lived overseas when ours were babies/toddlers/preschoolers and it was fun, we returned in time for school and because of healthcare costs.

Whether it's right for you none of us can say but my advice is to set up your finances in such a way that you can return if it doesn't work out eg I rented my flat out, though we didn't actually return to it it gave me security

@WoolyMammoth55

Not me OP but my sister did last year with her 4 and 5 yo's. I am insanely jealous of her career that lets her do this and seriously considering re-training to copy! It's so great for the children - they have moved to a bigger house, huge garden with pool, tropical climate, fantastic health resources for the family and amazing culture and wildlife. I think it's a massive gift to give the children to expand their horizons like this, and to experience other cultures. Like you her DH couldn't work initially, but he's now looking likely to get recruited into a local role after being a SAHP this past year. So the kids benefitted from that extra time with him too. Financially the cost of living there is much cheaper, they are massively better off and when things open up again they will have many opportunities for adventurous travel that wouldn't have been financially possible from the UK. It's been a huge life upgrade and the area I'm most sad for my kids in comparison is the physical activities piece - a bunch of classes are laid on for them in the complex where they live, incredibly easy to access and the weather is always pool-warm so they are swimming every day... They have never looked healthier or happier (compared to my pasty lockdown kids coming up for miserable winter weather where we can't even play in the garden - boo hoo!) So from what I've seen there are really no downsides, only upsides. BTW I'm sure the grandparents would disagree! But that's selfish when you consider how much the kids are thriving.

Gosh, where is this magical place? I dream living somewhere warm where the kids can be outside all year round !!

The big mistake we made was selling our house in the UK. At the time we thought we couldnt afford to keep it on as the letting market was far smaller than it is today.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

We talked to many people about moving abroad. The thing we realised was that the only real difference between the people who moved and the people who didnt was that the people who moved, moved and the people who didnt, didnt.

Financially it wasnt great for us in the end but we had a wonderful 5 years which really changed our perspective on the world.

I moved to Asia with 2 toddlers and DH and never regretted it. It was life changing for our family.

Things to think about (that I didn't and ended up being issues later): Make sure you understand the tax and pension implications - if you can afford it find a financial advisor before you move that can help you navigate. If you own your home what will you do with it while abroad? What if you end up staying out of the country for longer than expected? Will you have the means to come back quickly if a parent takes ill?

Oh and most importantly- it will only with if you and your partner are truly on board. There will be some stressful moments along the way so you need to be in it together.

My parents did this with me when I was young the one thing I would say is to reinforce where they are from and family as I grew up not feeling like I belong anywhere and never felt like I "fit in" being an outsider

Do it! Slightly different to you, our ds wasn't born until 2 years after dh and I moved abroad (for dh's job). We stayed abroad for 7 years until March last year. It's nice being back in the UK, and ds has handled all the toing and froing perfectly well - although it's all he knew anyway - but I do miss our old life sometimes, especially for ds. So much freedom, weather never stopping play, being exposed to other languages, cultures etc. If it's an opportunity you could provide for you children, go for it.

We moved abroad a lot as a child as my DFs job took us there. I quite enjoyed it, and we'd settled back in England by the time I was about 12 to give stability for O levels and A levels.

My DM hated it, I suspect. We were often somewhere fairly remote (think engineering projects in third world places). There was no culture, no work for her and it was the 1970s and chauvinistic enough in the UK, never mind most of the places we ended up in. She was bored to tears as a housewife.

Definitely give it a try!

We did our first move when DC were 3 and 4, then another country at 7 and 9 then we came back to U.K. a year ago when they were 10 and 12 (going into years 6 and 8) - was never our intention to come back but covid and some health/family issues meant it was necessary. I am enjoying some aspects of being back but we’ve got our eye on another move in a few years when DS1 finishes GCSEs!

It’s been a great experience for us and the DC, we’ve travelled to so many places we never would of been able to do, they’ve experienced different cultures and climates. They’ve both settled into school and life back here no problem. We had always visited in the summer holidays so have kept in contact with old friends. DC are very close to both sets of GPs too despite the distance.

DH and I have always been of the opinion that it’s best to give it a try, if it doesn’t work then you just make a new plan

@WoolyMammoth55

Not me OP but my sister did last year with her 4 and 5 yo's. I am insanely jealous of her career that lets her do this and seriously considering re-training to copy! It's so great for the children - they have moved to a bigger house, huge garden with pool, tropical climate, fantastic health resources for the family and amazing culture and wildlife. I think it's a massive gift to give the children to expand their horizons like this, and to experience other cultures. Like you her DH couldn't work initially, but he's now looking likely to get recruited into a local role after being a SAHP this past year. So the kids benefitted from that extra time with him too. Financially the cost of living there is much cheaper, they are massively better off and when things open up again they will have many opportunities for adventurous travel that wouldn't have been financially possible from the UK. It's been a huge life upgrade and the area I'm most sad for my kids in comparison is the physical activities piece - a bunch of classes are laid on for them in the complex where they live, incredibly easy to access and the weather is always pool-warm so they are swimming every day... They have never looked healthier or happier (compared to my pasty lockdown kids coming up for miserable winter weather where we can't even play in the garden - boo hoo!) So from what I've seen there are really no downsides, only upsides. BTW I'm sure the grandparents would disagree! But that's selfish when you consider how much the kids are thriving.

I'm bloody jealous too! Sounds heavenly

I’m going to sound negative but you need to be clear about what happens if one of you loves your new home and the other doesn’t. If your marriage breaks down, will your new home be considered the children’s permanent residence after a year?

I would love to do this too. Keen to k ow what jobs people do and where they went to!

@BonVoyager
We didn't have to do anything in particular. Dh had to apply for a residency permit, but that was just one form and a quick interview. He's registered here anyway (you've got to register with the local council when you move here). His permit looks a bit like the ID card you get when you are a citizen and is accepted as an official document. We only had to do that after Brexit rules went into effect, though.

He's allowed to work here because we are married, which gives him the right to live and work in the country. We live in the country both DS and I have got citizenship of. I'm not sure what would happen if we moved to a different EU country. My rights would still be the same. I guess his would be, too.