Does anyone else have a friend who makes them feel like this?

[strangerequest]

I have a friend who I’ve known for 12 years at least. She has had more than her fair share of awful things happen to her and her family during this time including her husband being very ill but recovered now. Other stuff has gone wrong for her too but I don’t want to go into too much detail.
I really like this friend and try to meet up with her every few weeks/ month. It is generally me who instigates this and more often than not she is busy/ makes an excuse. We usually eventually make a date but then I am wondering if she just feels obliged. I have tried not getting in touch just to see what happens and she generally will message me after a few months. When we meet we get on well I think but I then generally worry that she thinks I have an easy life, am a bit unappreciative, moan too much etc as she has so many more problems in her life than I do.
I’ve started wondering if this friendship is worth all the angst or if this is my issue I need to overcome. WWYD?

If you like meeting with her and she is generally keen to meet when she can, I wouldn't worry about being the one who reaches out. Some people are better at doing that, and in this case it's you.

It would be different if she was not replying or was never available - in that case I would say let it go.

I could have written this exact post about one of my friends, OP. I very regularly instigate meeting up, she is often busy or agrees but then cancels the day before, if we do meet I go to her. She does text for a chat at least once every couple of weeks but it's the usual questions, how are the kids etc. She is a genuinely lovely person but I do sometimes feel like our friendship is one sided and it makes me sad, especially as she has regular play dates with other mums and children.
To be honest, it has happened since she had children. I have them too so I totally get that life changes drastically, but I have always made time for me and my friends. Maybe we have drifted apart. Interested to see what replies you get as I don't want to no longer have this friendship, but also find myself disappointed very regularly.

I have friends who I really like but are just keen to meet more often than I can manage. Life is busy and, without meaning to sound like a twat, I have lots of friends. I always see them every few months but just don't have the time to meet monthly like they suggest. Could it be as simple as that for your friend?

Life has been really difficult for a couple of years. It's been difficult to see people and everywhere is exhausted.

So not surprising that you've not been meeting up regularly

OP I mean this kindly but she sounds like she’s just not that into you. I’m sure she likes you but it sounds like the friendship means more to you than it does to her. This isn’t necessarily a problem if you’re ok with just seeing her occasionally - I have a friend like this, I really enjoy her company and would love to see her and catch up more often but I know now that she only wants to meet up once or twice a year and I’ve accepted that. I just don’t count her as a close friend and then it’s not hurtful!

I am always the one who organises meeting some of my longer term friends and to be honest l'm sick of it.

One of them messaged me the other day saying we must meet you, l just said 'yes we should! ' because l can't be bothered to make the arrangements anymore.

I guess that means that l'm not bothered about seeing them as much and l'm comfortable with that.

Just because you are the one that usually reaches out doesn't mean it should always be you. All relationships require work from both sides.

Do you moan a lot about trivial things when you meet her? I can’t work out if you’re saying that you think you do, or you’re worried that she might think you do

I feel that because we don’t see each other often it’s hard to have a close friendship with her. I don’t think I moan a lot but find myself worrying about what I’ve said possibly because I don’t know if she really likes me or not. It sounds so childish I can’t really explain but nobody else makes me feel like this.

I’m sure she does like you but possibly your friendship isn’t as much a priority to her as it is for you? Is she genuinely busier than you and/ or have more friends?

I have a very busy friend who has also had a quite astonishing number of major tragedies and bad luck. She’s often a bit slow to get back to me and I probably do instigate meetings more than her but I don’t doubt she likes me.

There are a lot of people that I've stopped responding to very often as they are just so needy in meeting up, multiple times a year. Life is busy, getting time away from that to support someone else isn't high on my priorities. Especially when they're not asking how I am.

If she has that much going in is it rwally a surprise that she osnt on top of organising or that things crop up last minute?

And its 100% your issue that YOU think you might be perceived as moaning too much or having minor problems.

I've got a friend who I sort of felt like this about recently. She always seemed busy etc. So as she's now off furlough and working back in an office and I had to go into the office for one day this week we met up after work. I also gave her some old work clothes as she's gone up a dress size but suggested we met up, she came to my area.

Funnily enough, since then, I've messaged her, she's messaged me - we've both made more of an effort. I think so much now, you can maybe fall out of contact with each other, one of you thinks the other is moaning etc - and then one person wonders why they stay in touch or feels obliged to stay in touch.

Similar with another close friend, we're in touch but sometimes don't check in with each other's issues.

What I'm trying to say - yes both of you if you'd like a good friendship have to put the effort into it. Or else be prepared for it to slip or maybe to end.

I think alot of people are evaluating their relationships and friendships at the moment.
Some friends are happy to meet now and again, others every week. It depends what works for you and your life style, commitments etc.
If you are doing all the heavy lifting and you feel it's unfair, I would take a step back for a bit.

A friendship of mine ended for similar reasons.

I was always the one who contacted her first and suggested things. I decided to see how long it would take her to contact me.

It’s nearly 7 years now.

I have this same situation with a friend. Happy and chatty when we do speak but would never make the first move. We were very close but she has moved away and never texts or calls, not even a text when DS was born. We used to be really close and meet up multiple times a week, stay over once a month. I haven't text her and it's been a month, might be time to re evaluate.