To feel traumatised by my birth experience?

[NeedingAGoodNap]

I know I am probably being unreasonable but even 14th months after the fact I am still feeling very upset and traumatised by my birth experience. It has highly stressful with multiple medical staff arguing in the room. I didn’t have a set birth plan and I don’t feel my expectations were to high but I honestly feel assaulted by some parts of my experience. Things that upset me include (but not limited to):

• OB conducted a “Stretch and sweep” without telling me prior during my overdue appointment (I went to 42 weeks before they induced - however I had been in early stages of labour for about 10hrs before the induction)

• During my induction a student midwife was in charge of my care but we were not informed that she a student
• The midwifes insisted on hourly internal exams. These were conducted twice as a senior midwife wanted to check as well
• After 12hrs on the induction drip, 2 OBs started to argue over what they should do next but wouldn’t answer my questions
• Apparently the student midwife turned the induction drip to high
• Eventually they decided that even though I wasn’t 10cms yet I would just have to start pushing. I pushed for 2.5hrs before we moved to an episotomy and forceps delivery
• OB had turned down my epidural to help with pushing but didn’t turn it back up before stitching and didn’t listen when I cried out in pain
• I was blamed for the size of my baby as apparently that complicated things
• OB left a surgical sponge inside me (it feel out 48hrs later thankfully). The birth records were fudged to hide the missing sponge.
• After the birth they left me in a pool of blood for hours and didn’t give my baby a their vitamin K shot or checked her measurements for 3-4 hours. They then kicked me out of the bed and asked me to sit on a couch whilst I wanted for a free bed in the post delivery ward. I could barely get down low enough to sit.

Is this normal and is what I should have expected? I am too scared to have another child because I feel so unsafe. It feels like it was just luck that neither myself or my baby was harmed. No one would answer my questions and I had to shout at the OB to be heard (for example - he kept trying to show me the baby crowning with a mirror even though I said no multiple times)

YANBU. I don't even need to read the whole post to tell you that- even the most straightforward birth can be traumatic and it is never unreasonable to feel that.

I'm sorry.

You are no being unreasonable AT ALL. Have you requested a birth afterthoughts session? This may help you in the short term to process everything that has happened. Also counselling could help too. Sounds like you were really unfortunate and received some really poor care there.

That said, you were treated horrifically and really ought to complain.

In no way are you unreasonable. You had an awful experience and you were treated very badly not only that birth can be traumatic even without being treated badly - there's a lot of pain, especially when it isn't a "routine birth".

Add on top that if it's the first time you give birth you simple do not know what to expect. Many women don't tell first time mum's about birth trauma (which isn't wrong either, why make a person scare of facing labour) but it does mean that the expectation can be an easy birth that build up as a wonderful experience. Anything outside of that is frightening while it isn't going well it's nd can lead to feelings like failure and self blame afterwards.

Not only that but with birth it's more complicated because it is unique in the way everyone expects you to just get over it and carry on like normal because you're got a healthy baby.

"Mother and baby doing well" leaves you feeling a bit insane and that you really should feeling traumatised, invaded by unconsented interternals, the post birth discomfort of stitches and bruising and you're supposed to get up and joyfully skip around doing everything looking fantastic within hours of having your baby.

You can absolutely feel traumatised, you don't have to want to consider another birth right now and you can mourn the lack of a positive birth experience.

OP this is not normal at all. I also had a traumatic birth (and yes, of course your birth was traumatic, it was not normal). I still have awful feelings from it but it’s fading now 3 years later and I am having another.

-Your hospital should have a birth reflections service if you want to use it. I never wanted to use mine as I just don’t like to talk about it but I know loads on here find it useful.
-You can also complain via PALs.
-Counselling helped me a lot.
-Reading others stories on Mumsnet etc made me feel less alone and less silly for having the feelings I had/have.
-Telling my friends/family NOT to talk or ask about the birth, especially on my son’s birthday.
-Also I’m having my second at a different hospital which also helps.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that, it’s not fair.

I am continually shocked at the terrible treatment woman are receiving during pregnancy, labour and delivery. YADNBU. You should raise this with PALS and definitely get a reflection session with staff. I am so sorry it is affecting your decision to have more children. Can you go to a different hospital?

This is horrific OP and makes me furious on your behalf - every woman should have the right to a safe, supported and positive birth. Slightly different to you, but I’ve just started some treatment for a traumatic post-birth experience (my baby ended up in NICU after he was born) and getting this support is vital for me, as I imagine it might be for you. I actually can’t imagine coping with a second pregnancy until I’m mentally healed from what happened. In my area I did a self-referral to the well-being team (the birth after-thoughts service a PP has mentioned has been stopped where I live), who then contacted me within a week to set up an initial assessment. Here I got to go through everything that happened and what parts have affected me the most. Next week they will confirm my treatment but likely 8-12 weeks of CBT.
I would definitely look into this if you can - it’s so important you heal and get some support, no matter if it happened 14 months or 14 years ago.
Take care, birth trauma is all-consuming and so hard.

Mine was no where near as bad as yours but I didnt have a good experience. I basically was a passenger and everything was done to me. I didnt even know you could say no. I didn't realise how much it was affecting me until I got pg with nr 2. I read my notes which helped, and I talked to my new mw. After a bad experience at a scan I changed hospitals and asked to be put on the known midwife scheme. She was the first medical practitioner to acknowledge that my care wasnt good enough. She ensured that when dc2 arrived in a physically more traumatic birth I was in charge - that made SUCH a difference.

I dont know if there are similar schemes in the uk but Id look into a doula.

Is there any counselling available? I think the debrief would be a good idea.

Sorry op. I would suggest counseling too.

Sounds really traumatic.

OP, you can request a talk through your birth experience with a medic.Look it up and ask your HV how you organise it. It may help to understand what happened and why. Then armed with that better understanding from medical side , you can look for some counselling if you still need it.

I felt so traumatised after my first and second births, that I was glad to understand why medics didn't what they did & shocked at how dangerous it'd become so why they acted so quickly. It helped me before I had DC3's birth. (Which was a planned C section I had to have as risks were too high)

YANBU. That sounds horrific. It is completely unacceptable that you felt unable to refuse internal exams by multiple midwives — or indeed any part of your treatment. The fact that the OBs failed to answer your questions is disgraceful, albeit depressingly unsurprising (I refused induction recently because two separate consultants flatly refused to answer my clearly stated questions about the risk of fetal distress and other complications with induction). And if you weren’t informed that the OB was about to perform a sweep and given the opportunity to ask questions and give it refuse your consent then in legal terms you were assaulted. The stitching up bit I particularly sympathise with as on neither occasion that I’ve had tears repaired has the local anaesthetic worked properly, leaving me in pain throughout. It’s incredibly demoralising time get to the end of labour only to be put through more (and unnecessary) pain. I would complain in your shoes. Some of it — leaving you in a pool of blood and shoving you on a couch — is awful but probably the result of an overworked and underfunded system and may not be any individual’s fault. The failure of medical professionals to seek consent, answer questions, and treat you with respect, on the other hand, is straightforwardly bad practice and it shouldn’t be tolerated.
I’m so sorry you went through this on what should have been a happy day, and I hope you find a way to make peace with it.

I still feel traumatised over 3 years later. A large part of the trauma is the way I’ve been neglected since giving birth. My resulting health issues caused by birth have just been dismissed, the NHS has basically told me to go away and be grateful I have a healthy child, because it’s greedy and selfish to want to be pain free and normal looking too.

See if you can book a debrief to go through your notes. I'm pregnant with number 2 and have one in a couple of weeks. My first birth probably doesn't sound too horrific on paper, but I was quite traumatised by it. 28 hours of back to back labour and having to go on the drip because of failure to progress. Then pushing for 3 hours because my contractions faded away to practically nothing so I had no contraction to push with. Getting shouted at by the midwife and made to feel like a failure, only to find when DS was born that the drip had come out of my hand and no-one had noticed. No wonder I struggled!

My second birth I had a midwife who is snappy with me and just unkind. No empathy for me until I gave birth to a back to back baby with gas and air and then she softened, going out of her way to be nice. When with another midwife later I did tell her about the first and she said ‘oh she can be like that’ so at least I wasn’t making it up. I wish I’d complained but I was illl afterwards and just wanted to get home. How that midwife can live with herself basically bullying a woman in labour is beyond me.

I found it very useful to use the birth reflections service as I was thinking of my second. Apparently it is very common for women to use the service when they are starting to think about another baby. I would say my first was like yours and my second was so easy by comparison. I didn’t realise I was as far gone as I was until I hit transition at home and had to get to the hospital asap.

That's really awful, you poor thing.

There's no compassionate care there, no transparency, respect or dignity.

If you have the strength, complain.

I’m currently having counselling for PTSD /birth trauma that was triggered by an experience that although pretty grim was nothing on what you have experienced. I also felt assaulted by the experience and it massively impacted on how I bonded with my son and also lead to ppd although I now know ppd is often a misdiagnosis of a trauma reaction.

even just having the feelings I have validated and recognised has helped.

It was 3 years ago now and although I still have flashbacks I’m due to have number 2 next month. What’s helped me has been planning a home birth and trying to avoid any situation that might feel like it’s getting close to a repeat of my last experience. And I think I understand more this time that I am entitled to say no to anything.

Essentially my birth plan is “I don’t consent to anything unless you ask” and no instrumental intervention without a spinal first unless life or death.

Was this in the UK? It sounds horribly "medicalised" and like something that would happen in another country.
If it was in the UK, contact PALS at the hospital and ask them for advice on complaints- also they should tell you about a birth debrief, where you can talk through your experience with a midwife.

Thank you everyone. It's so sad that so many others have had traumatic experiences. It shouldn't be this way and its not good enough. People just dismiss it with "at least you and baby are well and thats all that matters".

I will look into making a complaint. Whilst I was fine, the next woman and baby might not be.

Hi OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

I had my baby in May and so many things went wrong due to the negligence of the staff. One of the anaesthetists punctured my spine when administrating an emergency epidural. This led to something called a spinal headache which I needed three surgeries to fix. My baby had got so ill she was going to be moved to intensive care as the midwives weren't helping with feeding even due to my condition (couldn't move my head or neck at all.) The list is actually endless.

I had a debrief meeting with the Consultant that led my pregnancy which was really helpful as he accepted fault on many things and said many things shouldn't have happen.

I had a meeting with the Head of Obstetric Anaesthesia to discuss the spinal puncture and what happened to the Dr who had performed this incorrectly.

I just had a meeting with the Matron of the Postnatal Ward to discuss the treatment of myself and baby once on her ward. A lot of apologies and acknowledgement of neglect and they've shaped how they'll train their staff based on my experience.

My auntie helped me write a very detailed complaint letter to PALS and we are awaiting a written response.

I've been having CBT therapy since July which has really helped me process this traumatic event as I was having nightmares and flashbacks of the ward. It was horrible.

I'm now having a second baby and will be having DC at another hospital as I refuse to go back there. We will soon be filing a case for neglect and will be taking this to the press.

A lot of information there! But I just wanted to show when something goes wrong to the point you're seriously traumatised and scared of having another baby, there's many things you can try and do to feel somewhat in control. I think it brings some sort of closure to hear apologies and accept fault (however in my case this isn't enough as I nearly died and the baby getting ill was avoidable if they had just listened to me.)
Please at the very least, write up a complaint letter and try and have CBT therapy if possible. Those two things will help massively and I'm so sorry for your horrible experience x

I also contacted the hospital and requested my full notes which we will be using when we file for neglect

I'm so tired so sorry I meant to say sue for negligence not neglect!

YANBU at all you've been through a traumatic experience and you need time to deal with that.

DC1 is now in primary school and I've only just accessed trauma therapy to deal with their birth. I have been diagnosed with PTSD which I've been trying to ignore (without success) for a long time.

I would see if you could access the birth reflections at hospital and counselling to talk things through with an outsider and help work through some of what you're feeling. Don't leave it like I did - your mental health is important.