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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work colleague is making me feel uncomfortable.

24 replies

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 28/10/2021 00:57

I started my new job a couple of days ago. I am in my mid twenties and this is my first job in years. A certain colleague has been asking me some very weird questions.

He is in his late 40s. Since I started hes been quite obvious with staring etc which made me feel very uncomfortable, well today as my shift ended (his did too) we were in the staff room collecting our things. He randomly asked where I lived, to which I replied in the area. He was hounding me quite a bit asking how far my house is from the shop, whether it takes 5, 10 minutes to get home etc. Also asked which way I'd be walking home. I told him my partner was collecting me ( I don't even have one lol). He was clearly standing by the door trying to iniate more conversations to which I said 'can you let me through please, my lift will be here soon'. He started laughing, mocking me and speaking in his native language. I obviously quickly left the building and walked to my house (5 mins away).

AIBU to feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't feel safe with us leaving at the same time etc as he seems so full on etc. I look very young for my age too which also creeps me out somewhat.

OP posts:

TheCatterall · 28/10/2021 02:00

Can you inform someone at work? At the least keep a log of what he says etc. :/

YANBU that would creep me out as well.

GoIntoTheLight · 28/10/2021 02:12

You definitely need to tell someone. A manager, or HR. Nip this in the bud ASAP. What a creep.

fashionSOS · 28/10/2021 02:29

@YouKnowNothingJonSnow1

I started my new job a couple of days ago. I am in my mid twenties and this is my first job in years. A certain colleague has been asking me some very weird questions.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't feel safe with us leaving at the same time etc as he seems so full on etc. I look very young for my age too which also creeps me out somewhat.

Please talk to a colleague so at least someone else knows and starts watching his behaviour too, even if you don't take this higher up. Trust your gut: if you feel uncomfortable, it's for a reason. All women have a highly effective Spidey sense and it's when we stop listening to it for fear of being polite/fitting in that we find ourselves in unsafe situations. Your Spidey sense is trying to protect you.

I'm no longer young and attractive enough to be a target myself, so I'm part of a secret network of frumpy women and male allies who quietly make damn sure our young, female workforce are not left alone with men like these and are not followed out of the office. If you worked for my company, I'd happily fake leave with you or distract Mr Creep whilst you made your getaway.

If you're not sure who has your back, a safe bet is usually an older, female colleague. We might not get the attention anymore, but we've lived through what you're going through now, so we'll look out for you if you give us a heads up there's a creep around.

mumofone2019 · 28/10/2021 10:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

EvilPea · 28/10/2021 10:08

What’s the complaints like at your work?
Likely to be taken seriously?

3scape · 28/10/2021 10:10

Please talk about his behaviour and the effect it had. I've been in situations before where I've taken longer leaving work to be an extra presence when I've been aware of colleagues feeling akward and isolated by a particular member of the team.

EvilPea · 28/10/2021 10:10

so I'm part of a secret network of frumpy women and male allies

How fucking depressing is this that it’s needed

Top work though secret allies. Wish I had you when I was in my young attracting stalker days! Not so much of an issue now

starrynight87 · 28/10/2021 10:11

Talk to a colleague and take it higher, document everything happening. xx

Whereismumhiding3 · 28/10/2021 10:15

You need to report this to HR. Exactly as you've told us. I'd expect him to get a verbal warning for this behaviour. Blocking a door when you are trying to walk through isn't funny nor is asking you where you live, it's creepy.

Don't feel you have to answer any personal questions in future and tell him loud enough for others to hear, to "stop staring" at you and when he asks personal questions "stop asking me where I live it's creepy"

Cherrysoup · 28/10/2021 10:36

When he asks questions, tell him you aren’t comfortable answering them. You don’t need to tell him anything personal, nor should he be asking. Feel free to tell him this if you are happy to do so, but please speak to HR and ask them to speak to him.

BackBackBack · 28/10/2021 10:38

You go straight to your line manager and tell them exactly what you have said here. If your line manager doesn't do anything then you take it to HR.

If the bloke starts trying to talk to you again, then tell him very clearly that you are here to work, that you don't want to answer his questions and that he needs to leave you alone.

TaraR2020 · 28/10/2021 10:41

Absolutely speak to your manager or HR op.

Also, the next time he does something inappropriate, call him out on it in a loud and clear voice. Silence is your enemy.

Eg
Dave please stop blocking the door and let me out

IntermittentParps · 28/10/2021 10:42

@BackBackBack

You go straight to your line manager and tell them exactly what you have said here. If your line manager doesn't do anything then you take it to HR.

If the bloke starts trying to talk to you again, then tell him very clearly that you are here to work, that you don't want to answer his questions and that he needs to leave you alone.

Agree with this. Get it recorded immediately. I'm not saying things will escalate, but you must get this on record just in case.

Whereismumhiding3 · 28/10/2021 10:52

It is very creepy that any man (or woman) would behave like this but particularly a late 40s man towards a far younger female worker. He ought know better and I can't believe she is the only female he has behaved like this to, so reporting it to HR is the way to go. It might be a pattern of inappropriate harassing behaviour, if he has done this to others. If it is always women, then it may be seen as sexual harassment taken in context.

gokartdillydilly · 28/10/2021 10:58

@FashionSOS

Bang on Mrs. BANG ON! x

GabriellaMontez · 28/10/2021 10:59

He moved quickly from making overtures to laughing and mocking. Which suggests you rattled him. He thought he could intimidate you. Keep doing what you're doing. Have some lines ready. "Is there a joke" ? "That's a lot of questions from someone I don't know" "excuse me I'm in a hurry " And also report your concerns.

FOJN · 28/10/2021 11:40

88 votes, 2% think YABU, so at least one but probably two people think YABU.

Who are these people? Incels or MRA's voting for shits and giggles?

Trust your gut and take whatever action you need to to stay safe. I hope you find someone from the secret network FashionSOS referenced to support you. Be in no doubt that if there are any at your work they will already have got this guy's number and probably observed his behaviour towards you.

I was in a group hobby situation when I was younger, there were several sleazy men, the older women in the group use to surround me like a force field as soon as those creeps tried to approach. I would probably have felt uncomfortable and intimidated as I tried to politely deflect their attention, those women saved me that particular trouble.

Northofsomewhere · 28/10/2021 11:59

Absolutely talk to a manager you trust, I work in retail (you mention shop so I assume similar) and had an issue with a customer. I didn't tell anyone except same level colleagues in a jokey sort of way until it escalated to him bringing in a love letter and gifts. I really wish I'd told a manager sooner than it was getting out of my control and I was feel uncomfortable as it dragged it out for weeks after the gifts until he finally got the message. It's even more uncomfortable when this is a colleague as you can't escape from them in the usual hiding in a staff only area until they're gone.

If you feel you can it might be worth just telling him to his face you feel uncomfortable and don't want to be friends. He'll probably have some nasty comeback about just being nice and you being a bitch or something but it might be enough for him to go away. However I'm not sure I'm brave to enough for that (also a young looking woman) and would chose the trusted manager route and keep pushing if this colleague doesn't stop being over familiar and making you feel uncomfortable.

If he doesn't stop after manager intervention keep pushing. It's not ok that he makes you feel this way. If you think he's following you go back into work and tell someone there and immediately speak to a manager. You shouldn't have to put up with it.

TurquoiseDragon · 28/10/2021 12:37

I agree with manager first, then HR if nothing is done.

TurquoiseDragon · 28/10/2021 12:38

Oh, and ignore the typest who try to get you to back down "because he might lose his job". That will be all on him if he does.

gokartdillydilly · 28/10/2021 15:05

My DD experienced similar in a supermarket she worked in. Although she had a network of lovely older women and young men to look out for her, she was so sassy, she called him out to his face herself, and reported him. He stopped being lechy towards her, and started on the customers instead. Unluckily for him, he said something misogynistic over the radios about a female customer he was ogling, which DD heard, and so she went storming into the manager's office to complain. Turns out he had form, and had already been removed from another branch for similar inappropriate behaviour. This had been his last chance, and so he was subsequently dismissed.

As PP have said, please report to your manager or HR. Chances are, they already know x

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:07

Very creepy, definitely tell someone about this

VladmirsPoutine · 28/10/2021 15:10

Is there a HR or manager that you can speak to? Because you're going to have to know what you're saying because it might backfire on you.

Disintegration1985 · 28/10/2021 16:34

If you feel comfortable, I would directly address it with him. Next time he starts questioning you, ask him 'why are you asking that?' - usually once forced to explain themselves out loud, they lose their nerve. Although I appreciate when you're new and a lot younger, it can be very intimidating.

I would also follow some of the advice here and speak to your manager. Have you got any friendly colleagues you can stick with or maybe even confide in? Usually guys like that have form for being a weirdo and it's likely some of the other women have noticed.

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