Visiting Parents in Nursing Home

[Zoeyclash]

We as a family have come to the sad decision to put our DF into a nursing home. The one we have chosen is about 30 minutes drive from where I live. I'm just curious about visiting him. If you have a parent in a nursing home how often do you call to see them? Or what do you think would be an appropriate amount of time to spend visiting? DF also has two other DC who will visit once per week or so. I am interested to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

Visit as often as you like. Once a week is lovely albeit very rare (I work and have worked in care for a while now). Many don't visit for months on end.

As above, weekly is wonderful, but rare. So if you can only make it less than that, please don't stress.

We visited our mum every day , luckily home was close by , but between me and my sibling , one of us would visit daily , often twice daily , and other friends and relatives visited too.

Thanks so much for your replies. This is all very new to us so it's good to get some perspective from others.

It depends why he is moving there. When my grandma moved she already had quite severe dementia, and was distressed at having to move, not fully understanding what was happening, so we were asked not to visit for the first while to allow her time to settle. She still begged us to take her home sometimes (by that time in fact meaning her childhood home with her parents), but it would have been impossible for her to get used to it if we had been in and out all the time at the beginning. Once she was settled, we visited between us at least a couple of times a week, often much more, and I think took comfort from it even as she recognised us less and less of the time. I think and hope that she still knew we were ‘hers’, even while not knowing exactly how..

My mum had a visit every day sometimes twice a day usually after lunch for maybe 2 hrs. Her grandchild would also visit regularly.
In the beginning, when she moved into the care home we would take her out for the day. Go for lunch or take her to my house for dinner.
My mum had dementia and for the last 2 years of her life she didn't know us but we still went to see her every day.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup unfortunately dementia is also the reason we have decided that a nursing home is the best place for DF. We just can't manage him at home any longer. The very sad thing is, he doesn't want to go and I know he will be very upset. He also has mobility issues, so that coupled with his dementia means that it's just not feasible for him to live at home or to move in with any of his DC. I fear that we may not be allowed to visit during the settling in period which will be very difficult for him and us.

@ParkheadParadise your mum was a lucky lady to have such a caring family.

@hulahooper2 your mum was lucky too with all the visits.

My DM has been in a care home for over six years. I go fortnightly in winter and roughly every ten days in the summer. I’m a 20 minute drive. On the week that I don’t go inside I quite often drop off home baking for her and favourite biscuits. She no longer chats in sentences and is unaware I am her daughter.

[quote Zoeyclash]@MrsTulipTattsyrup unfortunately dementia is also the reason we have decided that a nursing home is the best place for DF. We just can't manage him at home any longer. The very sad thing is, he doesn't want to go and I know he will be very upset. He also has mobility issues, so that coupled with his dementia means that it's just not feasible for him to live at home or to move in with any of his DC. I fear that we may not be allowed to visit during the settling in period which will be very difficult for him and us.[/quote]
It will be very difficult but you have to keep remembering that you are doing it because it is best for him - this is one of those times where someone else knows best, even when it fights all our instincts. You can phone often and ask about him and keep in touch that way. It will help him more to stay away even though it will, I am afraid, break your heart to start with.

I carried a burden from this for a while because I was the one who eventually persuaded my grandma to try it, but a few weeks later, she told me that it was like a holiday and she was glad she was there. Knowing she wasn’t afraid at night any more and that someone could always be there when she needed something was hugely comforting.

It will be hard, but you, like we did, must know that this is the time, and you just need to stay strong because there’s no other option. for you.

I see my DF twice per week. He has dementia. He doesn’t always know who I am but seems happy with the company, especially when I take my DC too (aged 7 & 4) as they chat and sing and entertain him.
Actually, my children sometimes struggle with the visits because he can’t remember who they are but I feel strongly that he should have family around him as much as possible.
Pre pandemic, my mum would visit him every day. It’s not as easy as visits have to be booked now.

@Zoeyclash
Thank you. My mum had 6 children and 21 grandchildren who shared the visits.
Having a parent in a care home is not easy. I cried every time I left her for the first month( so did she). It did get easier and she settled in. We also decorated her room with lots of family photos and personal touches from home, nice bedding and cushions to make it more homely.

I worked in a care home and it depends on many factors, those that are close by, part time and had grown up children tended to visit every few days, those that had ft jobs, younger children and lived further away visited weekly/fortnightly to drop in goodies ect. Then there are some who didnt bother, either through whatever trauma happened in the past or sonething else. As an ex carer please do ensure your df has a photo album, and the reason for that as even though they have dementia its still a story of their life and a good carer will always take time to sit down and chat and look at photos with a service user.

To the woman above, there was a lady i cared for who used to shout for her mum all the time, one day i was chatting to them all and she blurted out she had a daughter, then obv went back to shouting for her mum but that rare glimmer she had she remembered her daughter though briefly she knew of her child. Youre mother will be the same, she might be unaware but in her heart its different, deep down she knows.

My relative was only briefly in a care home, earlier this year, before dying quite quickly.

I found that promises didn't exactly meet reality when it came to visiting. I lived two hours away and it was peak season at work (self employed). I pulled a 90 hour week just so I could take one day off to visit her. Care home tried to stop me citing some bollocks that there were high rates of COVID in the local neighbourhood (not where I live, but the area local to the home, where I'd be driving through without stopping). I sent a very shirty email that day, and eventually got in. I'm glad I did - it was the last time I saw her fully conscious.

I started referring to it as HMP Holmwood Grange (not the real name).

Make sure you find out if there are any reasons, other than you or your relative having COVID, why visits may be restricted. Bear in mind that window visits / those in visiting booths are functionally useless for anyone with hearing loss and many with dementia.