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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my partner emotionally abusive

27 replies

babyduedecember21 · 27/10/2021 18:15

Hi everyone,

I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant and in a five year relationship with the father of my unborn child. For the most part he has been supportive throughout my pregnancy and has started helping me out with tasks that are starting to get physically difficult. However the one thing that I noticed has gotten worse recently is the way he makes me feel emotionally. He is always criticising everything I do, for example if I make dinner then there's always something I did wrong and he will tell me I'm useless etc. He also makes me feel bad about the fact that I'm at home a lot of the time whilst he is working full time. He tells me I'm lazy and that I don't contribute anything (even though I pay a much larger contribution of our rent/bills than him because I earn more). He makes me feel so low during these times but then other times is the most loving, doting partner I could ask for. I really don't know if it's my pregnancy hormones making me feel worse or if this is wrong. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 27/10/2021 18:17

Yes. He is emotionally abusive and it will only get worse.

Vbree · 27/10/2021 18:18

Yes he is emotionally abusive and it's likely to get worse once the baby is born.

takealettermsjones · 27/10/2021 18:18

I mean I don't know your husband but mine has literally never called me lazy or useless, even though there have definitely been days when I have been both! They are cruel things to say, especially to a pregnant woman, and especially when (it sounds like) they're not even remotely true.

FrancescaContini · 27/10/2021 18:19

Yep
He’s nasty
I’m so sorry 😞

Wisewordswouldhelp · 27/10/2021 18:28

Yes he is emotionally abusive. No loving partner would speak to you that way. Sometimes i think men like this chuck in the occasional being nice to confuse their partner...Do you want your child to grow up to think you should be spoken to like that?

ArabellaScott · 27/10/2021 18:30

Yes. I'm so very sorry, OP.

ArabellaScott · 27/10/2021 18:31

@Wisewordswouldhelp

Yes he is emotionally abusive. No loving partner would speak to you that way. Sometimes i think men like this chuck in the occasional being nice to confuse their partner...Do you want your child to grow up to think you should be spoken to like that?
Completely, it's gaslighting, it's deliberate destabilisation. If someone was horrible all the time it'd be easy to leave them. Abusers have to keep you on your toes, wondering what you've done wrong and hoping for a shot of sweetness, love and kindness. It's the most horrible thing to do to a person.
ArabellaScott · 27/10/2021 18:33

OP, sadly men often become abusive or worsen when their partner is pregnant. Your midwives will be trained to help with this.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Women's aid are also there to help you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

WhatAShilohPitt · 27/10/2021 18:36

So, you work fewer hours than him but earn more and pay more towards bills, and then do housework in the time you aren’t at work…but he’s not happy?

What does he say when you remind him of your financial contribution? Is putting you down his way of making himself feel less annoyed about earning less pro rata than you?

BlueSuffragette · 27/10/2021 18:37

Oh dear OP I think he is unkind and it will likely get worse once baby arrives. Have you tried to explain to him how it makes you feel? If so, and he is continuing it means he doesn't care that it hurts you. Take care. xx

Suzi888 · 27/10/2021 18:40

He sounds vile.

WonderfulYou · 27/10/2021 19:04

He tells me I'm lazy and that I don't contribute anything (even though I pay a much larger contribution of our rent/bills than him because I earn more).

What does he say when you say you contribute more because you earn more?

NeverChange · 27/10/2021 19:05

Yes, without a doubt

3scape · 27/10/2021 19:07

He's an abusive twat. You and your child deserve someone reasonable and rational who wont attack your mental state.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 27/10/2021 19:08

Mine has never called me lazy or useless in 25 years. Your h is abusive. It will probably get worse when the baby is here.

I'm sorry.

felulageller · 27/10/2021 19:11

Get out before the baby is born and don't let him be on the birth certificate.

LettertoHermoine · 27/10/2021 19:13

Kick in the bollox he needs.

CallMeNutribullet · 27/10/2021 19:47

Yes but you know that

Sciurus83 · 27/10/2021 19:57

So sorry, yes you are right. It is unfortunately quite a known phenomenon that pregnancy and the birth of a child can make abusive men worse. You're in a very precarious position, but it's really good you've recognised this is happening. As PP says please talk to your midwife and have a chat to someone at Women's Aid now before the baby comes Flowers

HarryBlaster · 27/10/2021 20:04

Yep absolutely. Been there myself and going through it. Completely feel for you. It never gets better, he will never change or stop. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally and treats you with the respect you deserve. Please get out now before your baby is old enough to pick up on these awful things. Definitely confide in someone close to you for strength. I ended up having to ask for help. I really needed that extra moral support.

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2021 20:07

What has he said when you’ve challenged him on this? Why on earth is he criticising constantly? Why do men ramp it up when their partner is pregnant? Is it because 100% of the attention is no longer on them?

CaveMum · 27/10/2021 20:10

Definitely emotional abuse, possibly bordering on coercive control. Have a read of this article and see how much is familiar to you www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

dustofneptune · 27/10/2021 20:19

He says you're useless, lazy, and don't contribute anything?

Yes, he's emotionally abusive. Without a doubt.

Here's the thing, OP.

Emotionally abusive partners are NOT abusive 24/7. If they were, they would never be in relationships in the first place.

Emotionally abusive people can be absolutely wonderful at times. And it's not always fake. They can be generous, fun, playful, attentive, romantic. It's how they are when they're NOT being this way that is the problem.

The way I differentiate is this -

How does this person act when they have a problem with you?

A healthy, loving partner might get annoyed, but won't call you names or say anything outrageous or scream in your face.

A healthy loving partner basically won't call YOU anything. They will talk about how something is affecting them.

For instance, they might say:

"Let's talk about the division of labour in this household :p" with a cheeky grin, if they are the playful type.

or

"I feel overwhelmed with how much I'm doing, and I don't know if I'm seeing things clearly, so can we talk about it please?"

They WON'T say things like:

"You're so" "You always" "You never"

Just because you are having a baby with this person, doesn't mean you need to be in a romantic relationship with them. It's far better to teach your child what healthy boundaries look like than to stay with an abusive person, as this will only teach your child that abuse is ok. They will then repeat the same patterns in adulthood and be very likely to end up with an abusive partner themselves.

I recommend having a look at DoctorRamani on YouTube and see if you can relate to any of the things she talks about. She focuses on narcissism, but a lot of what she says describes emotional abuse.

Good luck OP.

ArabellaScott · 27/10/2021 22:06

I think the reason dv and abuse happens so often, or worsens, in pregnancy is because it's about control - the abuser can't stand to feel they're losing control of the situation.

Lalastepmum · 27/10/2021 22:10

Please have a look at the freedom programme online. Most abuse starts when people are pregnant.

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