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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Walking on eggshells around husband

24 replies

canichange · 27/10/2021 15:13

My husband is stressed at work at the moment. Runs his own business, very busy post Covid, heightened by being short staffed. I'm very sympathetic, have offered to do some work for him (I'm a SAHM and have experience in the same field, have two days a week where kids are in school/childcare so could definitely be of some help). He can't sleep because he's stressed, so I went to the pharmacy to get sleeping tablets and have moved into the spare room to allow him to sleep better. I've done all the night waking and ridiculously early mornings for the last four years since we started a family. So whilst I have sympathy, I'm not sure what more I can do.

He's just so short tempered. Here are a couple of examples.

On Saturday evening he was making fajitas. I had grated cheese for kids tea earlier on. He had put the grater next to where he was cooking, ready to grate cheese for the fajitas. I put it in the (empty) sink because I didn’t realise he’d put it there on purpose and didn’t think about the fact we needed cheese grating for the fajitas. He takes it out of the sink, slams it down and says I put that there for a reason in a really huffy voice.

Then last night I was making custard for apple crumble. No fresh custard so just using the powder with sugar and milk. Fine, except I leave it in the microwave a bit too long and it goes a bit lumpy. No problem, add a bit more milk and give it a quick blitz with the stick blender. Job done, perfect custard.

“Why are you using the blender?”. Explained about custard going lumpy. “You’ve burnt it, I told you not to leave it in there for too long without stirring it or it will go lumpy” in a really aggressive way.

My eldest has chicken pox this week and he went downhill a bit before lunch complaining of itchy spots around his bum and bits. Asked to have a bath - of course. Starts crying in the bath, wants to get out and watch TV in our bed - of course. So that’s where we all are at lunchtime. I pretty much always make up some lunch for husband when it’s a sandwich/wrap kind of thing as he nips home for his lunch break. Today it’s soup that I made this morning. I can’t really do that in advance because I never really know what time he’s coming home for lunch, but it just needs heating up and a bit of bread and butter. Anyway, he comes in shouting where are we, have I done lunch? He can’t hear me calling back so I say come upstairs. Starts shouting I haven’t got time for this etc etc. Says he hasn’t factored in time to come upstairs and to heat up soup!!!! I said why do you come home then, eat a packed lunch at work like everyone else does if you're that busy. Sits and watches news for at least ten minutes after finishing lunch.

Seriously, isn’t the world crap enough without making arguments and aggro out of literally nothing!

Sorry, just really need to rant about it because I've had enough of it.

OP posts:
GoodGrief100 · 27/10/2021 15:28

Have you spoken to him about his behaviour and what you'd like him to change? I'd start off with that (using these examples here of how is behaviour is unacceptable) and if he doesn't improve, pack his bags up and kick him out.

SoniaFouler · 27/10/2021 15:35

The first example, personally, I do find annoying. I can’t stand it if I’m cooking and someone is faffing around me, putting things away or moving them when I’m trying to cook and said item is right next to me. Especially if they do it without even asking if I’m using it first. The other examples YANBU

Cuntness · 27/10/2021 15:41

I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

SpindelWhorl · 27/10/2021 15:45

The lunch time example is really horrible to read.

Does he come home at lunch times specifically to suck the mood out of your day, check up on you and 'your jobs', or what? Why doesn't he take a sandwich like everyone else?

Or did you previously agree he would come and be there to actually parent for an hour?

He really does sound insufferable tbh.

Starcaller · 27/10/2021 15:46

The first one, in isolation, I'd put down to a bad day/bad mood. But the last one in particular is really entitled behaviour.

GabriellaMontez · 27/10/2021 15:50

@Cuntness

I'd tell him to go fuck himself.
He deserves this. If you want to try and fix things you could talk to him about it first.

Tell him you don't like his rude, disrespectful, contemptuous treatment of you. What does he have to say? Is he unhappy? Would he like to leave?

I'd probably just tell him to go fuck himself. Life's too short.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/10/2021 15:50

You need to speak to him, your not his verbal punching bag, you don’t have time for his passive aggressive behaviour.

TwistMyOlive · 27/10/2021 15:51

Wow. You both need to talk and something has to change. Either his job or his attitude or both.
You’re not on this planet to take bullshit

WhatAShilohPitt · 27/10/2021 15:59

My husband does this sort of stuff every day :-( I’m surprised at how strongly people are reacting to your examples. I’m used to this sort of stress-related grumpiness.

Cuntness · 27/10/2021 16:00

@WhatAShilohPitt

My husband does this sort of stuff every day :-( I’m surprised at how strongly people are reacting to your examples. I’m used to this sort of stress-related grumpiness.
You being used to it doesn't make it okay. You know that, right?
canichange · 27/10/2021 16:03

In have told him. He's been really grumpy and short tempered since these staffing issues came about. Usually he's ok, still not the easiest but not this unpleasant to live with. Recently it's just been really miserable. I am sympathetic, work stress is hard especially when you're the sole breadwinner, but I've offered to work and I've offered to work for him to alleviate his problems and he's said no. What more can I do?

I've told him how he makes me feel. I told him at lunchtime that I feel like he hates me and he's making me really sad. He told me he doesn't hate me and then says bye in a really sarcastic way and tried to kiss me. I said I didn't want to kiss him and he stormed out saying he didn't have time for faffing around. I wasn't doing anything to waste his time, I just don't want to kiss someone that's just spoken to me like that. He was only trying to kiss me to make it all ok in his head.

OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 27/10/2021 16:04

Absolutely. I tell him straight every time. Doesn’t stop it happening. Like OP, it’s stress related and it’s me and OP that bear the brunt. Always stems from his annoyance about his lack of time / tiredness / needing to vent. Short of leaving them which seems really over the top over impatient words or our DPs getting a new job, I’m not sure what advice to give (or take!).

ZenNudist · 27/10/2021 16:04

Does he apologise? It's not good if not... talk to him. Explain how it makes you feel. His contempt for you will kill your relationship

Camblewick · 27/10/2021 16:06

@WhatAShilohPitt

My husband does this sort of stuff every day :-( I’m surprised at how strongly people are reacting to your examples. I’m used to this sort of stress-related grumpiness.
Me too. It's exhausting, draining and chips away at your feelings towards that person. Do something about it now OP, don't wait.
bluebeck · 27/10/2021 16:11

@Cuntness

I'd tell him to go fuck himself.
Yep - me too
HollowTalk · 27/10/2021 16:15

I'd have a conversation with him beginning with, "I can't live like this. Either you let me help you or you do it on your own without making us suffer or you'll have to live elsewhere."

Anycolourwilldo · 27/10/2021 16:25

Ugh. He sounds awful. You need to be clear and tell him his behaviour is no longer acceptable. Talk to him and find out what is going on. If he continues being a dick, stop doing anything for him until he grows up. And if that continues - you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone so rude.

ThisOneNow · 27/10/2021 16:34

I get stress-related and lack-of-sleep grumpiness and unfortunately I end up taking it out on my DH. But I really, really try to apologise, explain and make up for it. I also try to do mindfulness a few times a week, get exercise and take valerian and st Johns wort when I feel like I'm struggling and have told my DH I will try antidepressants if it gets to a point where it's making him unhappy. I sympathize with getting grumpy but any one with that problem should be taking responsibility for it.

FlowerArranger · 27/10/2021 16:37

@HollowTalk

I'd have a conversation with him beginning with, "I can't live like this. Either you let me help you or you do it on your own without making us suffer or you'll have to live elsewhere."
I agree but, given that OP is a SAHP and her husband is currently the main breadwinner, telling him ^you'll have to live elsewhere may not be appropriate. We might have to find a way of living separately, because we really cannot go on like this^ would be my suggestion.

In the OP's shoes I'd also start looking for work, seeing that she has two days of childcare. I'd want to be prepared and not be totally depedent on this man - in case it all goes belly-up.

GabriellaMontez · 27/10/2021 17:05

You have told him but he doesn't care...

Then I would indeed tell him to fuck himself. Stop being nice and sympathetic. Sounds like a one way street. Turn the tables. See how he likes it.

Meanwhile make plans to leave which involves going back to work. Don't tell him. He'll make your life even more unpleasant.

Stokey · 27/10/2021 17:21

He may be working but there's no reason he can't also pull his weight at home. Expecting you to make his lunch while you're looking after a stick kid is pretty entitled. He's an adult and should be able to temper his own reactions as well as fend for himself. Agree with PP with making sure you have an escape route. How is he with the children?

VillageOf8 · 27/10/2021 17:43

The only thing that would piss me off is moving things while I'm cooking. Like, leave the stuff where it is, I'll take care of it when I'm done. (not saying he should be snapping at you, he should not be doing that)

For everything else, why are you tolerating it? Why do women put up with so much crap from men? It doesn't matter if he's stressed at work or whatever. You are his wife and he needs to respect you. Let him know very clearly that you will not accept being snapped at or yelled at. If he tries to shut you up, or flip it on you, or blame you in any way, tell him that it's either marriage counseling or a separation. Women need to stop putting up with mistreatment. SAHM is a stay at home mom, not stay at home maid or servant.

billy1966 · 27/10/2021 18:39

OP,

This is very serious in as much it is just getting worse and worse.

I would sit him down tonight and tell him that you are going to start looking for a job.

You need to return to work as he is increasingly becoming emotionally abusive and you are not accepting his behaviour.

I would tell him that you will not remain married to someone who thinks you can be used as his emotional punching bag.

Everyone can be grumpy.
Everyone can be stressed.

But taking it out on those around as a regular occurrence is simply abusive and not acceptable.

He is also souring your children's home and they will become aware of the awful atmosphere.

It sounds as if you have tried to be understanding and offer help but to no avail.

I think you need to put a lid on your sympathy.

You can be sure he is not treating those outside like this, he's saving it for his wife at home.

I would be suggesting he packs a bag and leave for a few days to reflect.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

This is one of those situations where he will treat you as poorly as you allow.

Nip this in the bud or prepare for your marriage to fail.

Flowers
themadcatparade · 27/10/2021 20:52

Work makes you stressed.

It doesn't however, make you a twat.

Your husband chooses to be a twat.

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