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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was he being controlling?

51 replies

winterforming · 27/10/2021 12:51

I'm aware I may be being sensitive and reading into this too much. Have name changed too.

The first message I woke up to from my DP was "good morning, whatever happened to the necklace my mum bought you for your birthday?"

I told him I still had it but that I don't wear jewellery. I said I would dig it out and send him a photo.

(I don't wear jewellery, I'll wear earrings for an occasion but that's it. I wear nothing else, ever.)

He said "I'd like you to wear it please" I asked why and he said "it would make me and my mum happy". I got a little irritated by him telling me to wear it, it just seemed little bossy. I moved the conversation on as I don't like being told by him what to do.

I sent him a photo of the necklace and he said "put it on please" (baring in mind I am busy WFH today) I responded to the other messages he sent but not that. He then asked me to show me him wearing it.

I asked him what the sudden deal with the necklace was, he said "I want you to wear it" and that it will make him happy. He said he didn't know why I was fighting it so much. And said "if you don't want to wear it, don't." Then said "it's turning something nice into me feeling weird for asking".

I then said I don't think we should text and should wait until our nightly phone calls because he seems to be so irritable over text and start arguments more. I said that it is draining. We are now arguing because he's upset I've said this. And said not to phone him if he's so annoying and draining.

AIBU? I'm prepared to be told I am, but I'm just so frustrated with him at the moment.

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 27/10/2021 14:12

It's an excuse to control and for contact with you. He's making you jump through hoops. You should be able to wear what you like. Why does he suddenly want you to wear it?

Honestly you've split before. Is it better now? Bossy is the same as controlling except it's a term used for children not adults.

ErickBroch · 27/10/2021 14:17

You aren't physically together? I think he is trying to see where you are/what you are doing. My abusive ex did this to me. He would ask to see things for some. ridiculous reason, when actually he was 'testing' me to prove where I was, if I was telling the truth / if I was with another man. Sounds like he's asked you to wear it and explicitly you WEARING it right now, to prove you're where you say you are.

Original poster
winterforming · 27/10/2021 14:21

We are back together now, but love apart whilst he's away for a year. Things are much better this time than they were before.

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 27/10/2021 14:23

The he doesn't trust you.

askingforafriend86 · 27/10/2021 14:23

Wow if this is better…… Confused

Ditch him! Read through the thousands of threads of people stuck with horrible dhs I imagine some started similarly to this

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 27/10/2021 14:25

So he thinks that you're up to no good while he's away? Projection much?

mountbattenbergcake · 27/10/2021 14:28

He's testing your boundaries. It's a big red flag.

Cas112 · 27/10/2021 14:32

Tell him to grow up

1forAll74 · 27/10/2021 14:46

Do people actually send messages to each other about this kind of thing. The mind boggles.. A man,his mother,and a necklace, more mind boggling I can't quite perceive the mindset,or age, of a man who thinks like this.

ErickBroch · 27/10/2021 14:49

It's not about the necklace, he is sneakily getting 'proof' of where she is and who she is with.

RedMarauder · 27/10/2021 14:50

@winterforming

We are back together now, but love apart whilst he's away for a year. Things are much better this time than they were before.
No they aren't much better.

Tell him to stick his mum's necklace up his a-hole and dump him.

Please remember this - when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Natty13 · 27/10/2021 14:52

"But he didn't just ask me once. He brought it up over and over, even after I'd sent a photo of it. And told me to wear it more than once."
He kept bringing it up because you ignored his messages. You seem like you have a massive problem communicating. You should have said "No. I told you I don't wear jewellery. Stop asking me"

When you ignore questions you don't want to answer, controlling people don't hear that as a no. The only way to stop it is to actually say the word no.

Original poster
winterforming · 27/10/2021 15:23

We are arguing now because I said he starts about something every 2 minutes and I find it draining. I said I don't want to talk Ives text anymore because gets moody with me so often when using this method of communication.

He doesn't agree as it's our main method of communication since we live apart. We speak over the phone pretty much every night.

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 27/10/2021 15:26

Throw him back. He’s not a keeper, he’s a knob.
You were right to split up the first time.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 27/10/2021 15:29

Did you ever think that things are better now because you don't live with him?

I'd keep that arrangement permanent and maybe do away with the phonecalls.

Sidehustle99 · 27/10/2021 16:48

This does not sound like a fulfilling relationship OP. It should make you feel good not bad Sad

Sparkletastic · 27/10/2021 16:54

Return the necklace. And the boyfriend.

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2021 16:59

How else is he bossy? He sounds like a knob
Break up again

VillageOf8 · 27/10/2021 17:04

He sounds like he's testing you to see what he can get away with. Often times controlling men will start with something small, like making you wear the necklace even though you don't want to. Once you give in and wear it, he'll push your boundaries in other ways until it goes too far.

Don't tolerate it. I won't tell you to break up with him, that's a decision only for you to make, but you really need to set some major boundaries with him if you really want to stay. Let him know what you will and won't tolerate. Let him know you won't put up with him not wanting to talk to you when you don't go along with his demands. Nip it right now.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/10/2021 17:04

Dump him. He drains you. Why be with a drain?

Cuntness · 27/10/2021 17:06

Raise the bar, OP.

WhatAShilohPitt · 27/10/2021 17:06

Is this a way of him to checking you are where you say you are, so that you’ll not be able to put it on and send a photo if you’re not at home? Sounds paranoid I know, but so does him forcing you to send photos of it on for no real reason.

wombatspoopcubes · 27/10/2021 17:08

Stop texting him back altogether. He doesn't dictate what communication you should use. He's being unpleasant so stop texting him back. He can call you tonight.

Monr0e · 27/10/2021 17:10

How long were you together first time round and why did you break up?
Do you usually give into hon when he is being controlling bossy?

Id be telling him to stick the necklace where the sun don't shine

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/10/2021 17:13

He presumably knows you do not wear jewellery and so in that context, I do think it is controlling and disrespectful of your bodily autonomy.

I also do not/can not wear jewellery. I don’t even wear my wedding ring because I can’t stand the feeling of jewellery on my skin. My DH wears his ring, and he knows I can’t stand wearing jewellery so he doesn’t say a thing. He lets me be me and also supports me be me by not buying me jewellery.

That’s what you need, OP, a partner who loves you for you.

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