AIBU? The way I am with my children due to me being abused as a child?

[L96F]

Cutting a very long story as short as I can. I was sexually abused as a child for around ten years. Also had to live with the physical, mental and financial abuse he subjected my mother to. Finally spoke out when I was 17. He was sentenced to 12 years but has to do 6 years out on license. His release is next month still awaiting the date.
Anyway I had my first son at 19 and my second son at 21. I am very over protective of them both and constantly worry about them when I am not with them. My mother's side of the family understand and accept that's the way I am. Where as my fathers side cannot understand it.

There has been many arguments with them since my eldest was born. My dad can't understand why I act like this because he said would never hurt the boys because we are family. Like I've said no one ever thought someone in the family would hurt me for all them years.
The main issue is I don't trust him with the boys because he doesn't make any effort with them. Doesn't come to see them or ring. expects me to take the boys to him to see him everytime. Then expects me to allow him and his wife to take them out and look after them.
I get messages saying I've spoken about you to your grandma and your uncle and they see no reason as to why you act like you do?
My grandma has openly said to me that I've had a bloody good life apparently.
It's like they are ashamed of me and I cannot understand why. Me and my partner have good jobs. To the point where I don't need to work if I don't want to but I enjoy my job. We have a lovely home that we've both worked hard to purchase. Best of all two lovely boys. I'm starting to think they'd rather me of failed in life.
I cannot cope with all the arguing and atmosphere all I do is focus on my boys and make sure they have a good and happy life compared to what I've had and that is still not good enough for them.
So AIBU????

I think there are two separate issues here:

1. Your question, being protective of your boys after what you have been through is perfectly understandable. You may need help in time so that protective doesn't become over protective but again needing that help after what you have been through would be totally understandable BUT

1. What you are describing in your op is not being over protective. Your family sounds horrible. Choosing not to leave your kids with people who make no effort is not a bad thing, especially when they gaslight you and belittle your feelings.

I would go low or no contact with them, you sound like you have turned your life into s lovely one now, focus on that and distance yourself from your father and grandparents. And stop being hard on yourself for how you parent your sons

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Have you considered distancing yourself from your father's side? It sounds quite stressful for you.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. You should be very proud of how successful you've become and the lovely family that you've got. They ought to be very proud of you too. Xx

Im not sure i understand.

Your dads family won't acknowledge the abuse with regards you being over protective?

Im not sure how that equates to them being ashamed of you?

Its great your family want to be involved with your boys but of course its ok if its on your terms as you are their mother.

End the drama and don't reply to any messages that are not polite and respectful and don't feed it or try and make them understand. It sounds futile. Id also stop comparing them to your mums family. It wont bring you peace.

Thankyou for your replies. Just wanted to get some clarification. Because to all them lot I'm just an arsehole and my behaviour is terrible.

I don't really talk to them as it is. Only talk when they contact me and that's normally to have a moan or a sarcastic moan because Ive not messaged or taken the boys to see them. Really considering blocking them and just carrying on with our lives.
I think they're jealous more than anything because it normally always ends up in an argument about why I'll go to my mums or my partners dads. Top reason we do is because my mum comes nearly everyday even if it's just for 10 mins to see me and the boys. She and my partners dad are really close to the boys and they hate not seeing them.
Whereas my kids don't even ask about my dads side at all and not bothered when they do see them once in a blue moon

Honestly, blocking people who are bringing nothing to you except nastiness sounds like a very good idea.

I can't believe they would belittle you. They are continuing the abuse by gaslighting you. Cut them out.

They sound toxic.

I'm surprised you have anything to do with your father's side given your history!

Yanbu to protect your children from anything but particularly that side of the family. No contact is probably a good idea for you and may help alleviate a lot of stress for you. You certainly shouldn't be listening to other people saying you had a good life when clearly you had to deal with some very distressing events

So they don’t acknowledge the abuse you’ve been through but expect you to take your boys to then?

I’d think you needed an intervention if you did take your boys to them.
Your instincts are and we’re absolutely spot on.
Nope.

*them
*were

You are allowed to never see them again - it's up to you. If they add nothing to any of your lives, (and it doesn't sound like they do) then feel no guilt in never speaking to them again. Ignore/block messages. You do t have to justify why you see your mothers side to them.

I don't think you are being overprotective by keeping your family at a distance from your toxic parent and his side of the family. What is he bringing to his grandsons that's good and positive? Nothing at all.

I do hope that you are in the process of getting support in processing the awful abuse that happened to you, because you deserve to be the best person you can be - for your partner, your boys and for yourself.